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renatagesner

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renatagesner

On July 29th was 4 months that I lost my dear Mom. My name is Renata and I am from Brazil. I've lived in the US for the last 13 years and am an only child. My mom was my best friend in the whole world. In 2004 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and successfully fought the disease until 2007 when it came back with full strength. She had a mastectomy and chemotherapy off and on until this past March. Somewhere along the line she was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer and started having difficulty breathing. On march 7th 2011 I received the phone call I so feared... She had a pulmonary embolism and collapsed at home. She was rushed to a hospital (where she a cardiac arrest) and there she laid, doctors uncertain if there was any brain activity present. I flew to Brazil as soon as I could and watched her slowly vanish.... 22 days later, on march 29th, the most wonderful person I've ever known was gone. Being that things in Brazil are A LOT different than in the US, I had to go through the imaginable.... Open a plastic bag with my mom's (still warm) body in it to identify the body. Then, do it all over again a couple of days later before she was cremated. It was the most devastating, painful, and horrible situation I've ever had to go through. Since then, I've had the hardest time living a "normal" life. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't accept that the ONLY person that loved me unconditionally in this world is gone. I can't accept that my kids (8yo and 3yo) will have to go through life without knowing her. I am angry, mad, hurt, sad, devastated and depressed. I am desperate to "communicate" with her, feel her presence like many people feel their loved ones around them, I haven't felt anything... I am feeling helpless and abandoned. I miss her soooooooo much!

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I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Renata. Sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your mother. I understand your need to "feel" her presence. I lost my father in April and we were very close and I have longed for that feeling again. I have even prayed that I will have some reassurance that everything is okay. And then this past week my son learned to ride his bike without training wheels, which is something my father really wanted him to be able to do. And we were riding around the block and the sky was so beautiful and I felt some kind of peace knowing that my father would have enjoyed that moment. It is hard. I pray that you feel some peace in the coming days. I still have days where I am very sad, but having these discussions do seem to help.

On July 29th was 4 months that I lost my dear Mom. My name is Renata and I am from Brazil. I've lived in the US for the last 13 years and am an only child. My mom was my best friend in the whole world. In 2004 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and successfully fought the disease until 2007 when it came back with full strength. She had a mastectomy and chemotherapy off and on until this past March. Somewhere along the line she was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer and started having difficulty breathing. On march 7th 2011 I received the phone call I so feared... She had a pulmonary embolism and collapsed at home. She was rushed to a hospital (where she a cardiac arrest) and there she laid, doctors uncertain if there was any brain activity present. I flew to Brazil as soon as I could and watched her slowly vanish.... 22 days later, on march 29th, the most wonderful person I've ever known was gone. Being that things in Brazil are A LOT different than in the US, I had to go through the imaginable.... Open a plastic bag with my mom's (still warm) body in it to identify the body. Then, do it all over again a couple of days later before she was cremated. It was the most devastating, painful, and horrible situation I've ever had to go through. Since then, I've had the hardest time living a "normal" life. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't accept that the ONLY person that loved me unconditionally in this world is gone. I can't accept that my kids (8yo and 3yo) will have to go through life without knowing her. I am angry, mad, hurt, sad, devastated and depressed. I am desperate to "communicate" with her, feel her presence like many people feel their loved ones around them, I haven't felt anything... I am feeling helpless and abandoned. I miss her soooooooo much!

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dizzydancingway

I'm so sorry you lost your mom. My mom had cancer that was treated and then returned as well. She died very quickly after the cancer came back. She lived seven months past her initial diagnosis and a week after her second diagnosis. Its hard. I didn't feel her at all initially. I felt so disconnected. I think because I lost her so quickly, I was left feeling empty. I've put up pictures of her all over, read through letters she wrote when she was my age, and talked abd talked about her with my family. This has strengthened my connection with her and that's helped me feel like she's present in me, or somewhere near. Another thing that really helped me was to take the mothering she did and turn it onto myself...as much as she was there for me, took care of me, helped me, I started to replace all that by taking care of myself. Its been really empowering and makes me feel like my moms a part of me...like she's inside somewhere making sure I'm all right. Its so important to take care of yourself right now, to put yourself first. Do what your momma woulda done for you, but do it for yourself. Love and care for yourself the way she did for you...I promise that this helps. If nothing else, you gotta grow and expand. Because its a big hole without a mom...you gotta fill it up.

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On July 29th was 4 months that I lost my dear Mom. My name is Renata and I am from Brazil. I've lived in the US for the last 13 years and am an only child. My mom was my best friend in the whole world. In 2004 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and successfully fought the disease until 2007 when it came back with full strength. She had a mastectomy and chemotherapy off and on until this past March. Somewhere along the line she was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer and started having difficulty breathing. On march 7th 2011 I received the phone call I so feared... She had a pulmonary embolism and collapsed at home. She was rushed to a hospital (where she a cardiac arrest) and there she laid, doctors uncertain if there was any brain activity present. I flew to Brazil as soon as I could and watched her slowly vanish.... 22 days later, on march 29th, the most wonderful person I've ever known was gone. Being that things in Brazil are A LOT different than in the US, I had to go through the imaginable.... Open a plastic bag with my mom's (still warm) body in it to identify the body. Then, do it all over again a couple of days later before she was cremated. It was the most devastating, painful, and horrible situation I've ever had to go through. Since then, I've had the hardest time living a "normal" life. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't accept that the ONLY person that loved me unconditionally in this world is gone. I can't accept that my kids (8yo and 3yo) will have to go through life without knowing her. I am angry, mad, hurt, sad, devastated and depressed. I am desperate to "communicate" with her, feel her presence like many people feel their loved ones around them, I haven't felt anything... I am feeling helpless and abandoned. I miss her soooooooo much!

Renata,

I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. The pain, anguish and horror you feel is awful, but it is normal. Somehow, you will have to accept that your mother is gone, but it will take some time. It is okay to feel the way you do. You may or may not be able to "communicate" in a fourth-dimensional type of manner, but you can talk to her and remember her presence.

When I want to talk to my dad, I sit still and simply let my thoughts flow of happy memories of him. I think of what he would say sitting beside me. I can then actually feel his presence.

I know you miss her. But you are not abandoned. You still have her precious memories, her advice, her love and a piece of her in your children. She will always be with you.

You can come here to talk about her. We will be here to listen.

ModKonnie

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renatagesner

Thank you so much for your support. I am sorry for your loss, it is so painful. I am happy though that you were able to feel his presence, and that your son was able to ride his bike! It's funny you tell me this story about your son because most people tell me to pay attention at my kids, that I will be able to see my mom through them, and maybe that's true. Maybe I should keep my eyes open and look closely at what my kids are doing.

You are right, it does help a lot to talk about the feelings, so I am very thankful for finding this page. Again, thank you for you words :)

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Renata. Sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your mother. I understand your need to "feel" her presence. I lost my father in April and we were very close and I have longed for that feeling again. I have even prayed that I will have some reassurance that everything is okay. And then this past week my son learned to ride his bike without training wheels, which is something my father really wanted him to be able to do. And we were riding around the block and the sky was so beautiful and I felt some kind of peace knowing that my father would have enjoyed that moment. It is hard. I pray that you feel some peace in the coming days. I still have days where I am very sad, but having these discussions do seem to help.

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renatagesner

I am so sorry for your loss. I did the same as you, I mean, I have her pics everywhere, I have her ashes in many different places in my house, and also I had a pendant made with her ashes in it so she's "always with me". I got a tatto that says " I love you daughter" (in portuguese) and I got it from one of the letters she wrote to me, so it's her handwriting on my leg, which is very neat. Right now, I don't feel like I'm a good mother to my kids because I'm so down and so sad. I know I have to take care of myself, I just don't know how to start it. I keep hoping that someone will step up, take me by my hand and take care of me, but the reality is that won't happen, and you're right, I have to do it, for my kids. The emptiness is large and painful, but I'm hoping that with time I'll be able to fill it somehow. Thank you for your support.

I'm so sorry you lost your mom. My mom had cancer that was treated and then returned as well. She died very quickly after the cancer came back. She lived seven months past her initial diagnosis and a week after her second diagnosis. Its hard. I didn't feel her at all initially. I felt so disconnected. I think because I lost her so quickly, I was left feeling empty. I've put up pictures of her all over, read through letters she wrote when she was my age, and talked abd talked about her with my family. This has strengthened my connection with her and that's helped me feel like she's present in me, or somewhere near. Another thing that really helped me was to take the mothering she did and turn it onto myself...as much as she was there for me, took care of me, helped me, I started to replace all that by taking care of myself. Its been really empowering and makes me feel like my moms a part of me...like she's inside somewhere making sure I'm all right. Its so important to take care of yourself right now, to put yourself first. Do what your momma woulda done for you, but do it for yourself. Love and care for yourself the way she did for you...I promise that this helps. If nothing else, you gotta grow and expand. Because its a big hole without a mom...you gotta fill it up.

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renatagesner

It is so difficult to believe I'm not abandoned, it is almost impossible to do it... I feel so afraid for the future, cause I fear not being able to recover, or not being able to move on with my life in a way my kids deserve it. I am so sorry you lost your dad, it is such a miserable situation... I close my eyes and try to "hear" her voice, or "feel" her touch, and it scares me that I will forget those things with time. But right now, my mind wanders too much and I always go back to the ugly, sad images of the disease and death....

Thank you for your kind words, and I know I will be here often, sharing my feelings seems to help a lot...

Renata,

I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. The pain, anguish and horror you feel is awful, but it is normal. Somehow, you will have to accept that your mother is gone, but it will take some time. It is okay to feel the way you do. You may or may not be able to "communicate" in a fourth-dimensional type of manner, but you can talk to her and remember her presence.

When I want to talk to my dad, I sit still and simply let my thoughts flow of happy memories of him. I think of what he would say sitting beside me. I can then actually feel his presence.

I know you miss her. But you are not abandoned. You still have her precious memories, her advice, her love and a piece of her in your children. She will always be with you.

You can come here to talk about her. We will be here to listen.

ModKonnie

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