When things are better, it's still hard.

[Gail 8588]

Well the new year is here.  We made it through the holidays.

I know I have been posting a lot about how I am finally feeling alive again. Nearing the end of my 4th year of grief, I am much better than before. 

That said, these holidays were pretty awful for me.  I have been alone all year, due to covid, but to be so isolated during the holidays messed with my head. I spent too many days doing absolutely nothing. Not even minimal daily hygiene.  Not eating much - lost nearly 20 pounds in 2 months. (I can afford to lose more, so somehow that doesn't seem like a bad thing.)  

I know I disappointed some people who I really do care about because I didn't follow through with commitments I made. And I didn't let them know I wasn't going to actually do those things.  But I was just in a deep funk, missing my husband and my life and I just got stuck in this 'unable to move' mind set.  Then I'd rally and decorate my Christmas tree and tell myself I can do it all alone. Feel all empowered for awhile. Then spend 3 days on the couch with matted hair wondering if an able bodied person can get bed sores. 

Anyway, just wanted to share that although I am much better than I was in years 1, 2 and 3, it's still really hard sometimes to be in this new life. 

Hoping to come out of my holiday funk any day now.

Gail

[jmmosley53]

Gail8588,

I am sorry that the holidays hit you so hard this year.  It seems like there is no cure for those waves of grief that knock us all off our feet.  

You do give me hope that there will be better days ahead.  

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

it's still really hard sometimes to be in this new life

That's what scares me. Everyone says it will get better over time, but that emptiness without my wife in the house is pretty tough to endure. I don't think that any of us will not have moments of being swept by  a memory or thought that makes you break down. A friend of mine who lost her husband maybe 20 years ago does say it gets easier but the thoughts of your loved one never go away. And I wouldn't want them to anyway.

[JohnS]

Gail 8588, I was thinking about a lot of the helpful advice that's up on websites about dealing with grief, but most of that advice was for a world that was "pre-COVID." And this COVID world really, really makes it harder. I live in Suffolk County, NY where the current COVID infection rate is up to over 10% - that's bad. I've had invitations from friends to get together, but as much as I'd like to, I won't - it's just too risky out there, although some of my friends don't seem that worried. So, yeah, this COVID thing really piles it on with isolation. My girlfriend was just about the only person I got together with during the past 10 months, and now she's gone. This is still a holiday weekend (not that it's been any kind of holiday for me), but next weekend it will be a regular weekend, but I'll be pretty much alone. I won't see my girlfriend...ever again. COVID is re-writing the rule book for how to deal with grief. The COVID world leaves us much more isolated that we would have been before COVID. I'm just trying to prepare myself for a pretty lonely spring and maybe summer.

[Missy1]

@Gail 8588 I guess we will always have those days where it all comes washing back. Apparently  it’s a long and wii difficult process. We evolve and find ways to make it through. Your posts are so honest and I feel I can relate on so many levels. Glad you are better than previous years. As time goes on we cannot know how we will react, we are different now, how could we not be changed.

I think that this isolation is hurting so many of us. I have lots of anxiety about leaving my home now. I had time off from work for the Holidays and let’s just say it has been very healthy for my grief to sit in my home by myself without work. I have had all day couch days, no motivation either.

 

 

[Dawn Wms]

It is good for me to hear that I am not the only one!  I have had two weeks of doing nothing.  I don't have the strength.  I miss my husband so much and the pain is so intense that I feel paralyzed.  COVID has made me more isolated, but I have to say that I did have a couple of invitations to be with a small group of close friends that I still didn't go to.  How can I be at a celebration?  I have nothing to celebrate.  This is the first holiday season I have been through without my husband in 25 years.  I know we are all different and for some people, being with others really helps.  I find there are few people I can tolerate being around because only those few understand how to deal with one who is grieving.  Some want to cheer me up or distract me.  Do they really think that is possible?  I know they mean well, but they just don't get it.  This season has been hell for me.

[Meloncholy]

It is good for me to hear that I am not the only one!  I have had two weeks of doing nothing.  I don't have the strength.  I miss my husband so much and the pain is so intense that I feel paralyzed.  COVID has made me more isolated, but I have to say that I did have a couple of invitations to be with a small group of close friends that I still didn't go to.  How can I be at a celebration?  I have nothing to celebrate.  This is the first holiday season I have been through without my husband in 25 years.  I know we are all different and for some people, being with others really helps.  I find there are few people I can tolerate being around because only those few understand how to deal with one who is grieving.  Some want to cheer me up or distract me.  Do they really think that is possible?  I know they mean well, but they just don't get it.  This season has been hell for me.

I get what you are saying—I turned down a couple of holiday invitations too. I just couldn’t be around couples at New Year’s Eve.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[Sparky1]

26 minutes ago, Meloncholy said:

I just couldn’t be around couples at New Year’s Eve.

I didn't do much either, just sat around with my mother in law and sister in law. No happiness even at midnight, no booze, no toasting. Without my wife, it will feel like I'm naked when functions are able to be held again. Like you said, sitting all alone while others have their partners with them.

[Roxeanne]

Gail it's very hard...i'm trying to think positive but all alone in the house without your loved one is so hard and painful...it's easy feeling lost and desperate!

We're missing him and our beautiful life with him!

Living a miserable lonely life now is so hard!

Hold on as you can...ciao Roxi

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

Everyone says it will get better over time, but that emptiness without my wife in the house is pretty tough to endure.

That is such a relative term.  I think of it in context of day one when the doctors came to tell me...it reminded me of policemen coming to the door of a solder's wife...they didn't have to say a word, I knew.  I screamed, "NOT MY HUSBAND!!!"  You could hear my wails all throughout the hospital!  I collapsed.  I slept one hour that night, next to my daughter.  I suppose anything seems "better" than that evening/night.  Or the days/nights that followed.  Or months.  The early years are tough.  So have been the years since.  Weathering job loss, recession, sickness, surgeries, all alone.  First week I retired I found out I needed a new roof.  Dealing with contractors, figuring out how to pay for things.  Losing pets, esp. my Arlie (dog) last year, my heart broke like it did when George died, he was all that I had, my only consolation in life.  I couldn't even be allowed to keep my DOG???  Does God have it in for me???  Rhetorical only.  I know better but that's how it FEELS sometimes!  Can't voice that anywhere...at church, with friends or family they'd give me a sermon, "set me straight," that's not what I need.  I need to be able to FEEL what I feel and VOICE it!  Here I can do that.  With all of you.  You all understand, you get it. whether month one or year ten, we're all going through this together.  No the grief journey does not end...until OUR lives draw to their close and we too can pass into what's next, with the one we love at last!

3 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Gail it's very hard...i'm trying to think positive but all alone in the house without your loved one is so hard and painful...it's easy feeling lost and desperate!

We're missing him and our beautiful life with him!

Living a miserable lonely life now is so hard!

Hold on as you can...ciao Roxi

Hi, welcome here.  I'm glad you're here and I hope/pray you find comfort here as you can be yourself, voice yourself.  We're fellow sojourners.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Roxeanne]

Thanks KayC...i think your article is very useful for me! I need some good advices even i am not new in grief... Next March  will be 3 years !! I was doing  better but covid worsening my feelings..i am glad to find this site where i can talk with people who can really understand... I am italian  i live in Milan....ciao Roxi

[KayC]

My kids' dad was Italian so in that family for 23 years, I loved them!  He divorced me but papa still kept me as his "daughter!"  

I think COVID set us all back, it's been a horrid year and we're no where near back to normal yet, it's worsening here in the US.  The life I'd worked so hard to create for myself over the years, gone in an instant with COVID.    It does help to know that even though we come from all over the world, we share a common bond and understand each other. 

[Sparky1]

On 1/2/2021 at 11:51 AM, Roxeanne said:

I am italian  i live in Milan....ciao Roxi

Ciao Roxi, I was born in Calabria, Italy, but came here as a little boy. Like KayC said, we all have a common bond when we lose our partner/ spouse. Doesn't matter where we're from.

[Roxeanne]

Ciao Sparky nice to meet you...i think you have an italian  heart....yes grief is the same under different  skies...goodnight...here is 1,30 am..ciao

[Sparky1]

2 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Ciao Sparky nice to meet you...i think you have an italian  heart....yes grief is the same under different  skies...goodnight...here is 1,30 am..ciao

Thank you Roxi, nice to meet you too. Here it's almost 10:30 pm. Ciao