When the Waves Come Crashing

[LoveNeverDies]

Today I finally got out of the house, while shopping I felt panicked my heart was racing . So I rushed out of there.. went home and cried . It seems like one minute I’m ok , and the next a wave of darkness sets in. Does this happen to anyone else? How do you handle doing every day things? I feel like I’m going crazy...

[Sparky1]

The last couple of days have been pretty rough for me as well. It seems like the longing and heartache just refreshed itself all over again. This isn't going to get easy any time soon. My mind is constantly busy, thinking of my wife all the time. I have a lump in my chest from the grief and I miss her so much it hurts.

[LoveNeverDies]

I know what you mean Sparky , I was looking under the bed for something today and found his reading glasses. It made tears flow , thinking about he’s really gone . I’m not sure if the pain of losing someone we loved so much will ever go away.

[widower2]

7 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

Today I finally got out of the house, while shopping I felt panicked my heart was racing . So I rushed out of there.. went home and cried . It seems like one minute I’m ok , and the next a wave of darkness sets in. Does this happen to anyone else? How do you handle doing every day things? I feel like I’m going crazy...

I suspect this happens to almost EVERYONE else going through something like this. You are absolutely not going crazy. I remember the first unexpected wave that hit me...I went into a Lowe's without her...we'd gone there many times for various projects and whatever, loved going there.  Being there without her, the loneliness and that massive gap in my life from her loss was thrown back into my face again.  Luckily I was able to duck into the corner of an aisle where nobody was. I took a minute to get hold of myself long enough just to get out of there. Realistically they will dissipate over time, till they're more like those little "bumps" in the ocean that go by you when you're standing in the ocean vs a crashing wave.  

[JohnS]

Yes, the waves hit me too. I was dreading Christmas Eve day but it wasn't that bad. Then Christmas Day was just plain awful. Talking to someone else about it can definitely trigger tears. Good grief, turning in her leased car to the dealer nearly did it. Her car had been parked at her cousins for a week or so, and when I saw it again when we took it back to the dealer - almost lost it. I realize there will be ongoing triggers for a long time. And those waves - they can sneak up on me. You aren't going crazy.

[ccoflove]

Shopping caused me many triggers. I remember going to our local supermarket for the 1st time after and I heard someone on the phone in the next aisle over say "I love you. See you when I get home." I had to get out of the store we had been in together so many times knowing he wouldnt be there when I got home. Home Depot is another hard store for me. We were always doing little projects together. I am a little past 2 years now, and it does get easier. I have grown more accustomed to life alone. It takes such a long time before the waves lessen toppling you. The first year was excruciating. Hang on and keep coming here and sharing. You will feel like you are going crazy, but feeling crazy is the most normal reaction to having your world torn apart.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

Today I finally got out of the house, while shopping I felt panicked my heart was racing . So I rushed out of there.. went home and cried . It seems like one minute I’m ok , and the next a wave of darkness sets in. Does this happen to anyone else? How do you handle doing every day things? I feel like I’m going crazy...

You're not going crazy, such is the way with grief.  It'll improve but I can't say when, it's different for everyone, and takes more time than I care to say. 

[foreverhis]

On 12/26/2020 at 10:51 AM, LoveNeverDies said:

Does this happen to anyone else? How do you handle doing every day things? I feel like I’m going crazy...

Yes, absolutely it happens to me.  Over the first months, it happened often.  Now, it's a softer wave of grief and they don't come as often.

The first time I had to go out was to the grocery store.  It was horrible and I cried most of the rest of the day.  Just walking by the deli counter where they had his favorite ham made me upset.

The night I came home alone, really alone, I went through the house and got rid of everything related to his cancer and called the supply company to come pick up the hospital bed we had rented.  But there were a number of fairly expensive items that hadn't been used and practical me (with practical him looking over my shoulder) decided I should return them.  So I went up to the checkout with my little pile of groceries and the things I needed to return.  The checker, who is kind of a...well, you know...anyway gave me a hard time because I hadn't been able to find my receipts.  Ultimately, I lost it, just lost it, and started sobbing when I said why I was returning them.  She went ahead and did the return, but without a word.  As I was carrying my puny bag of groceries to the car with tears streaming, a woman I'd never met came rushing up to me with a lovely bunch of peach roses.  She said, "I was behind you in line and heard what you said.  I'm so sorry.  I think you need these."  Then she smiled a sad smile (the kind that made me wonder if she understood through personal experience) as I thanked her.  I put those roses in his favorite vase and then simply sat and stared at them.

I couldn't bear to go to the farmers market for a couple of months.  The first time I went was so painful.  I kept forgetting and picking up enough for two.  Then I'd remember, start crying, and put some back.  I had to leave with only a few things because I could not handle it.

From what other members have mentioned here and in other threads, I think your reaction was so common as to be universal.

It won't really help you now, but after 2-1/2 years I've learned that our grief doesn't stay the same.  Oh, it's there as a constant companion and I miss him every bit as much as I did that first day.  But I'm learning how to live with his loss and my grief as part of me and the life I'm living now, rather than having it crush me under its weight every minute of every day.  I'm carrying him, our love, and my grief with me as I take steps forward.  He will be with me always, which helps me cope sometimes.  I guess what I'm saying is that time doesn't exactly make these waves of pain easier or less, but it does help us learn to cope better.

[Elsa]

I am so sorry. You are not alone. I had two massive waves today. The first was having to cancel his Skype account because it had a recurring charge. He had such a wonderful profile picture, I had to log in as him and speak to an agent to delete the account. “Are you sure you want to delete the account?” ... NO I wanted to scream... NO!! But I have to. It felt so absurd. How does a life just get deleted? It’s like life is a special club and now - oh, sorry, you’re out. You’re deleted from the club. Broke down in tears.

The second was far worse. I went through his pictures and found a bunch of small phone films of his goofy narrative, filming pets or filming me. I saw the love from his perspective. I saw how much fun we had and how those times are now in the past, not in the present or future.

But most importantly I had also not heard his voice since he died a month ago from a stroke. I fell to the floor. I didn’t think I was going to be be able to get up.

I thought I was doing better... but the waves are unpredictable. You just have to honor the grief and stop what you are doing until they pass. Take care. Tell yourself there are hundreds of thousands of others going through exactly what you are going through right now.

[Maria_PI]

2 hours ago, Elsa said:

I am so sorry. You are not alone. I had two massive waves today. The first was having to cancel his Skype account because it had a recurring charge. He had such a wonderful profile picture, I had to log in as him and speak to an agent to delete the account. “Are you sure you want to delete the account?” ... NO I wanted to scream... NO!! But I have to. It felt so absurd. How does a life just get deleted? It’s like life is a special club and now - oh, sorry, you’re out. You’re deleted from the club.

Elsa, I totally can relate! I am so sorry you are going through this and it's so fresh for you! After 7 months I still can't brace myself to delete any of his accounts anywhere, even though I have access to everything. Only paid off and cancelled the credit cards. I even transferred the monthly charge for his icloud to my card so that I don't have to delete what's there. Can't even delete his phone number and facetime from my phone favorites, even though the phone is no longer in service.

How do you delete a life?! "Absurd" is the right word. (((hugs)))

[Missy1]

I keep his phone number active and I use his tablet profile and look through his emails, Facebook, Twitter etc..the memories they suggest to post on FB  tear me up but also are proof of who he was. I cherish every little scrap I can find that was personal to him. 

He was my one in a million, no one will ever be so in love with me and me with him. This really sucks being part of this club.

[Gail 8588]

Loveneverdies, 

You are not going crazy, or we all go a bit crazy. It's grief.

I referred to these unexpected triggers of grief as trap doors.  I'd be muddling along in my zombie life, going through the motions of living, when I would fall through a trap door of grief.  It could be almost anything.  I remember one day I was trying to open a new jar of pickles with no success and I slumped to the kitchen floor sobbing.  John was never going to be there again to open jars for me.  I can't explain why that was so heartbreaking - but I think all of you here understand. 

Gail

[jmmosley53]

I'm 9 months along this terrible road and I get those waves of sadness and grief less often but often enough to make me feel like a cripple.  Mine seems to be trigger when I come across something that I would normally have wanted to share with him.  Then the great 'Oh God he is gone' thought comes into my head and my heart screams and my throat tightens, and tears run down my face.  

Once or twice I have caught myself and been able to talk myself down from the emotional chaos that comes over me.  What I call my internal dialog gently says to the sobbing wretch I have become 'You are all right - you are going to be fine.  Stop crying' .

I wish I could stop the waves more often.

[LoveNeverDies]

@Gail 8588 One of my trap doors is songs that remind me of him . I went back to work yesterday after being out for about 6 weeks and music is piped in so I can’t avoid it .Of course a song came one that made my eyes well up , so I went in the bathroom ( no music in there ) to try to compose myself. Another trap door is the supermarket, when I see foods that he liked , it gets the memories going along with the tears. 

@jmmosley53 I do that too , I used to share everything with him.I’d call him on my lunch breaks at work and he always had a way of making things better. Now when I realize that I can’t call him , that he’s really gone it brings on another wave of grief. I hope I can eventually get to the point where I can calm my emotional chaos.

[Elsa]

@LoveNeverDies I was in the supermarket today and did exactly that! Crying in the yoghurt aisle then again in a couple of others. Makes me think I never noticed people crying in supermarkets but they must be. Everything seems to be a trigger. It’s exhausting. 

[Sparky1]

I've also cried in the supermarket going down the aisles. I can still picture my wife looking at items for baking. She loved to bake. I also used to call my wife at lunch and would look forward to hearing her cheerful voice. Now I don't know what to do. I miss her more and more every day.

[Missy1]

I seem to break down in stores a lot, I am grateful for masks, my sad face is mostly hidden and when I start to sob I can turn away quickly and cry.

I feel invisible in most places, no one really even notices the sad lady with her head down, I never make eye contact with anyone either.
Do you guys ever feel invisible to the world when you go to public places?

[LMR]

I do cry when shopping but I do frequent quick shops so I usually make it out of the store before having a meltdown. Today as I was leaving there was a display of Valentine cards which really set me off. I don't need to buy one ever again.

 

[KayC]

I've cried at the grocery store although it's been years now...it was a huge trigger, our grocery shopping was always done together and food meant so much to him.  It triggered me to see things he loved that I couldn't buy/make for him again.

[Sparky1]

11 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Do you guys ever feel invisible to the world when you go to public places

Oh yes, I've had that feeling quite a bit. I look around and see couples shopping together, holding hands, being happy together. That hurts a bit. Sometimes when my wife and I were shopping, I'd just go up to her and kiss her and tell her that I love her.  All these thoughts go through your head and it's tough concentrating on why you went to the store.  I have to make lists now, or else there's no use going.

[jmmosley53]

On 1/6/2021 at 10:06 AM, Sparky1 said:

I look around and see couples shopping together, holding hands, being happy together

Oh yes, walking from the car to the store I always reached for my husband's hand.  I liked being a couple very much.  I think my husband did too but he would say that was 'women stuff'.  Remembering that I am now deprived of the comfort of his touch, is as bad, as not having the comfort to begin with.  The world is so full of those triggers that cause us pain.  Even if you do not break down into tears your heart tightens slightly

How in the world did I never notice all the people around me who were grieving.

[LMR]

My husband and I always held hands. He would always reach out for me or put his arm around me. The lack of his touch is excruciating.

Last night I read this:

"We have no control in life - no ability to stop the waves that come crashing down. We can only learn to surf those waves..........."

[Sparky1]

My wife and I always held hands. Even when either one of us was driving. In church we would hold hands. She took pride in her nails and always had them done up, but conservatively, not flashy at all. I miss holding her hand and now I always extend my hand in the air and ask my wife to please hold it again.

[LoveNeverDies]

Seeing couples together is a trigger for me too, it’s a painful reminder that I’ll never have his hugs, his hand to hold or see the way he used to lovingly look at me . I miss him so much .

[Gail 8588]

This may sound weird but I miss my husband giving me foot massages while we watched TV. 

We had a sectional couch and he'd sit in his recliner seat and I'd stretch out on the couch with my feet in his lap and he'd soothe my aching feet. 

Just one of many little gifts of kindness that were routine. 

Gail

[Missy1]

Awe, how beautifully sweet. I miss this silly thing we did. We would get close, looking into each other’s eyes, then put our hands on the sides of our heads where our eyes  met, blocking out the whole world. Just us, looking into each other’s eyes and soaking in the love, it felt like we were one, inside our own world. We loved doing that, it was like hiding under a blanket together, feeling safe in our bubble. 

Today I had a bright spot, his Mom is a proper English  Lady, she called me today out of the blue. She transposed the last two digits of our zip code and her Christmas card to me has been returned. It was amazing  for her to call me, she is very cold. She is 85 and a widow for 26;years, her husband died the year he retired at 61 years old. She knows my pain but her son’s death weighs heavily on her soul, I see it. She will never admit it, her family does not speak of bad things ever... I felt so connected to him talking to her, he loved his Mom. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, LMR said:

"We have no control in life - no ability to stop the waves that come crashing down. We can only learn to surf those waves..........."

So true!

19 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

My wife and I always held hands. Even when either one of us was driving. In church we would hold hands. She took pride in her nails and always had them done up, but conservatively, not flashy at all. I miss holding her hand and now I always extend my hand in the air and ask my wife to please hold it again.

I love this!  It brought me a smile.  My George always looked at me "that way" and appreciated my dressing up for him.  Now I'm jeans & shirt, no one to notice/care anymore.  I remember the mink hat he gave me, he loved me in hats.  He was a dapper dresser!  We always held hands, sat close.  I remember going to a home bible study one night after George got off work, there were two seats left across the room from each other.  George made everyone move over so we could sit together.  The leader, exasperated, said, "George, can't you be away from your wife for one hour?!" and he responded, looking incredulously at him, "Why would I want to be away from her?!  I have to be away from her all day at work!"  It's a good memory, we were ALWAYS together when off work!  Our first furniture purchased was a reclining love seat with no console in between, George made sure of that!  I sleep on it, it's old and worn out but I can't get rid of it.  It has comforting memories...

12 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I miss my husband giving me foot massages while we watched TV. 

George did that too!  He'd also paint my toenails for me!  Never knew a man that'd do that before, but he'd do anything for me, I miss him so much.  I knew true love with him.

11 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Just us, looking into each other’s eyes and soaking in the love, it felt like we were one, inside our own world.

I love that!  In your own cocoon.  

I love all your sharing.

[foreverhis]

On 1/5/2021 at 9:46 PM, Missy1 said:

I seem to break down in stores a lot, I am grateful for masks, my sad face is mostly hidden and when I start to sob I can turn away quickly and cry.

I feel invisible in most places, no one really even notices the sad lady with her head down, I never make eye contact with anyone either.
Do you guys ever feel invisible to the world when you go to public places?

Yes, I feel invisible sometimes.  Not as often as the first year or so because I am more likely to engage a bit now.  But at first, I didn't want to see people smile or laugh; I didn't want to see couples together and happy; I had no reserves of energy, physical or emotional; I no longer felt like I was in the same world.  I know part of it is me still pulling in to myself.  Social events can be torturous, so I don't go to many.

Masks are good for letting me "hide" while in public on the one hand, but are inconvenient on the other.  By that I mean that when I have been or am crying, my nose gets all stuffed up and snot starts to run.  I really can't do anything about that with a mask on.  I've had to walk outside, find a clear space, wipe my eyes and blow my nose, and then sanitize my hands before going back in to finish shopping.

[Diane R. E.]

This week has been really difficult for me. It had been awhile since I had a wave of grief, but this past week, Tuesday, January 5 marked 13 weeks since my husband passed away, and Wednesday, January 6 was the 3 months mark. Tuesday are always hard (he passed away on a Tuesday), but I think having the 2 markers a day apart triggered some of the same feelings I had right after he died. None of my family seemed to remember or just don't care, since no one reached out to acknowledged it. 

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, Diane R. E. said:

Tuesday are always hard (he passed away on a Tuesday),

My father passed away 8 years ago on Saturday. My mom passed away 4 years ago on Saturday and my wife passed away almost 3 months ago on a Saturday. I can't explain that, it's crazy.