First Christmas :(

[BBB]

How many of you are going through their first Christmas without your better half? 

This sucks.

 

[Lars M]

I was just thinking about this. My wife loved Christmas she use to make me dig out the tree and ornaments ever year and I would fuss about it every year. She had ornaments that were handed down from great great grandparents and she loved to put them out. I did this every year for 30 years but not this year. It has been 5 months since I lost her to cancer and my life has been changed forever. I am not going to sit around a cry all day I am going to celebrate for her. Don't get me wrong there will be lot's of tears but I can't let it paralyze me. I miss her so much! God please let all of us that are grieving today get a little peace of mind keep our thoughts clear and get us through this rough time. In Jesus name Amen.   

[Sparky1]

This is my first Christmas without my wife, she passed away exactly 2 months ago. It's very difficult knowing she won't be around. She loved Christmas, especially getting together with the family. I miss her with all my heart.

[AlwaysTogether]

Ryan loved Christmas, was his favorite time of the year. He loved to surprise people, I think he spent time of the year thinking in Christmas gifts haha. Not material things, he always looked for meaning things. 
 

it’s too hard this days, I went to the bed crying last night, and wake up today crying. But I will do my best for him and my parents. I know he wouldn’t like I stay in bed crying. So I am dressing and going to dinner with close family.

I sent to his family gift, I know he would like to surprise them. That made my heart full for a moment, but then the empty come back!! I spent weeks thinking a looking a meaning gift to them..  I sent to his brother a print of the stars the nigth he passed, with a message “the darkest nights produce the brightest stars, in the darkest moment, we must be focus in find the light” he had drug issues and I am really worry about him! To his parents I sent coffee cups with a print of a angel back and them.. and to the rest of the family and his daughter personalized photobooks..
 

that was a motivation for a few days and make my heart full of love they feel I am there with them because they live in USA and I live in Spain. But now I feel empty and missing him so much! Christmas just don’t feel like Christmas without him

[Yoli]

First Christmas without Indy. I feel numb right now but I expect that won't last. We sacrificed so many Christmas's together so we could be with our respective parents -her in the States, me in NZ. We fully expected that we had many more to celebrate together after making these sacrifices. She deserved so much more from life, from me. 

[jmmosley53]

It is my first Christmas without Richard.  I cried almost all day Christmas Eve so maybe Christmas Day will be better.

The one thing that makes me laugh is Richard hated getting gifts.  I asked him one year how I could make giving him a Christmas gift better.  He said I should throw his gift at him and say 'here you little ****' I never did that but it makes me laugh to think about it.  Richard had a wicked sense of humor sometimes.

[JohnS]

Only been 4 1/2 weeks. She died suddenly the day before Thanksgiving. So this holiday season is nothing but sadness and pain. I got through yesterday, Christmas Eve, okay, but I can tell this morning, this rainy depressing Christmas morning, that I'm going to have a tougher time today. And that's how it seems it will go - in waves alternating between sort of okay to just feeling like crap. And the isolation dictated by COVID is an incredibly cruel added ingredient.

[LoveNeverDies]

This is my first Christmas without Terry , he passed away on 11/27 . This Christmas is heart wrenching for me, and his birthday is on Sunday . I’m just lost without him . 

[steveb]

This is my first Christmas as well. The pain seems fresh again, but thank God my kids are here to help me get though it.  

[SharedLife]

This is the first Xmas in the 55 years we've dated or been married that we haven't shared Xmas. I had always expected that I would go first, so this is an unexpected and upside-down world for me. Today I visited her grave and talked to her. I hadn't anticipated the pain would be this severe and I'd never imagined that missing someone could hurt so much. She was, and remains, the most cherished thing in my world.

[Perro J]

This is my first Christmas without her. I wore a pin yesterday that meant very much to me - as I had bought a pair of these pins, one for each of us. While I was out delivering gifts yesterday - it fell off and I cannot find it. I can buy another one - and I will. Still, it feels very painful to lose that original pin. I am beating myself up over it now. I feel like as time passes it is eroding things. Am I losing memories? Am I forgetting things? I want to keep everything. I don't want to lose a thing, tangible or not.

I know "Merry Christmas" is not the right phrase for us - but do I want to wish everyone the best that it can be for you right now. Peace be with you.

[jmmosley53]

I hope that the memories that seem to fade, are not lost.  They are just set aside for some special occasion.  Someday in the future that mind photo will come back to us in a good remembrance.

[SDC]

Yep, my first Christmas too. And his birthday was this week so it's a double whammy of hard firsts. I thought I was ready for how hard this week would be, but I wasn't. I try to remind myself that no feelings are static and that everything changes, but it's difficult to see beyond my intense sadness. I feel for all who know exactly what I'm saying. 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

I hope that the memories that seem to fade, are not lost.

You will not forget, it's been 15 1/2 years and I have not forgotten anything.  There have been times I've felt like our life was a far away movie I watched or a dream as it seems so out of reach, but my mind knows different and I look at his handwriting, pictures of him, documents that show me he truly was born, married me, and died.  So hard to have one's life summed up so.  But inbetween were all of our interactions, our love, everything that made my life worthwhile and let me know this one person in my life loved me, and I him.  we understood each other.

[Ted Wyberanec]

My wife passed in March.  She loved Christmas.  I got through yesterday by staying busy working around the house.  It hit me today.  Im not doing well with my grief at all.

[JohnS]

Ted - and I somehow got through Christmas Eve day okay, but yesterday, Christmas, I was a mess. You just don't know when it's going to hit you. Today her sister and I finished cleaning out my GF's apartment, locked the door for the last time and said goodbye to my GF's "Happy Place." It's only 4 1/2 weeks since Diane passed, and it's rough. Hang in there. This webpage has lots of supportive members who understand. And thank God for it, because most friends and even some relatives kind of don't get it.

 

[Ted Wyberanec]

Thanks.  I cleaned out the shed yesterday and found things that really hurt.  Christmas stockings, gifts, other stuff.  This is a really bad day.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Ted Wyberanec said:

I cleaned out the shed yesterday and found things that really hurt.  Christmas stockings, gifts, other stuff.  This is a really bad day.

Take things slowly, if it's too hard, maybe wait...I tended to push myself too hard too fast, in retrospect I wish I'd given myself more time with it.  And have someone there with me rather than tackling things alone.

[steveb]

Wise words KayC.  Thank you for your insights. I’ve learned a lot from this site. 

[Maria_PI]

Yes, first Christmas! Thank God for my sister who flew from NYC with my niece to get me through it without major breakdowns. Split her own family to fill the void in mine. I feel lucky to have her in my life. She flew in the day my husband passed, she flew to Europe to help my mom through my dad’s last days. I know I would have done that for her too, but what a treasure, God bless her!

Now I am back to an empty house and work to get me through the next set of holidays. In a sense I am lucky my husband an I weren’t keen on holidays, mostly because throughout life we worked on those. Yet, it still feels depressingly lonely without him, every day but especially on holidays.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[KayC]

Of course it does, they were our world, navigating without them is really lonely/empty feeling.  (((hugs)))  Try not to think about the next holidays, embrace these days in between because they aren't one.

[DMB]

I was a bundle of nerves this whole month.  First snowstorm I had to dig myself out of.  My son did eventually show up and cleaned it up nice.  Saw my daughter the weekend before Christmas and she was trying to engage me with making a list for things we needed for a beach house rental where we were to go to the 26th thru the New Year.  The next morning , her boyfriend tested positive for covid19, so she left to go home and quarantine.  I also had the intermittent sewer gas odor going on.  The week leading up to Christmas I was having actual physical symptoms of generally not feeling well (headache, some ear ringing, GI issues) but was somehow still functioning.  I had previously not made any plans, and if I had, this virus just threw a wrench into it anyway.

Then, my daughter tested negative for the virus but following guidelines should remain quarantine for at least 10 days.  Today is the 10th day!!!  The plumber came last Tuesday so today is a week without any sort of smell coming in!!!!  I felt my late husbands presence  as I was putting in the cancellation of the beach rental.  So, the time I spent alone over the holiday was peaceful for me, as I just felt relief!!!   A few family and friends stopped in on Christmas Day, scattered times, and short visits.  I cooked dinner "to go" for my daughter as she came but stayed in her car.  We will do gifts when we can all be together.  My physical symptoms, aside from slight ringing in my one ear are gone, and I am feeling well again.

I have no idea what this New Year will bring me, but somehow I made it through this year!!!  My best wishes to all of you as well.  First Christmas is DONE!  Whew.

[KayC]

DMB, you're doing it, you're surviving.  Sometimes it's really hard on our own esp. with things like sewer smells.  I'm getting intermittent water shortage, not sure what's going on, can't afford to replace the pump!  Don't know if the table is low or collapsed tank bladder, but it's about once a week, no rhyme or reason apparent.  I'll weather this somehow, as I have everything else.

I'm celebrating your first Christmas survived and over!  I need to take the tree & decorations down but putting it off, heart isn't in it.  No one even saw it.