losing my dad has taken it's toll on me

[Shannon Green]

I lost my dad June 23 just 2 days after fathers day, it still feels as if I lost him yesterday. My dad was truly my best friend I shared everything with him. Since his death nothing seems the same anymore, I still have a hard time going "home" to see my mom and siblings because the pain in their eyes make me feel so much guilt because I guess in some way I feel guilty. I know that probably sounds so dumb but the truth is my dad and I were really close I was such a daddy's girl. And my brother and sister didn't give him the "chance" to really talk to them. My parents were married for 36 years when he passed away. I still remember it like it was yesterday. My mom called me and told me she had called 911 because my dad started having chest pains, I showed up and the hospital however, they would not allow me in because of this virus so I just stayed outside waiting for some news. My mom called me and said that he was doing fine I even got to talk to him on the phone. Now anytime my dad had to be admitted into the hospital I would always make him promise me that he would be home the next day and his response was always the same "I love you baby girl daddy will see you in the morning." But this time when he let me go I asked him to make me that same promise but all he would say is "I love you baby girl more than you will ever know" why didn't I stay at the hospital? I could have slept in my car, on the side walk, anywhere but I didn't instead I came back home only to get a phone call at 4:30am from my mom crying so hard all she could say was the hospital called her and said he had taken a turn for the worse. We got back to the hospital this time they let me in only to tell me my hero was gone. All I could say was "let me see my daddy" I walked into that room and there he was the strongest man I had ever known laying there so peaceful, and there I was suddenly a little girl again crying for her daddy to hug her for just one more time. Why didn't I just stay? I am so sorry for the book guys I just found this site and to be completely honest I have no one I can talk to that can even come close to understanding this type of pain. My siblings do not want to talk about him at all... My brother is so full of anger and my sister is 16 years younger than I am and is also grieving the loss of her best friend who lost her battle to leukemia. There was one person a friend of mine who tried so hard she hugged me the day of his service and told me anytime I need to talk she understands she had just buried her dog. I am lost and so empty

[BEQUET93]

You and your father had a special bond, which is evident in what you wrote about him. I am so sorry for your loss and how it has impacted you and your family. Please don't beat yourself up for not staying at the hospital. If you had known, you would have stayed. Believe me, feelings of guilt and self-blame frequently follow the death of a loved one. I do it too and I have to stay mindful that it is part of the grieving process and that those feelings aren't an accurate reflection of what was. You loved your dad and he loved you. It has only been 6 months and it is going to take time. Please consider therapy and continuing to use this forum to express your thoughts and feelings. I joined not long after I lost my mother and it helps to communicate with people who are going through similar trials. 

[Shannon Green]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am currently seeking counseling and I am planning on staying on this site.   

[Shannon Green]

I wanted to stop in and say that I made it through Christmas in one piece which I honestly have no idea how. I was so amazed how thoughtful my dads family was (they really haven't been around since his death besides one of my aunts who has been nothing but amazing) however, I received a beautiful ornament in the mail along with a poem from one of my dads brothers and would very much like to share it. Some how this has given me a little bit of peace especially at night when the world seems like it is sleeping and I am left alone with these thoughts of pain and pure guilt. THE ORNAMENT THAT I GOT ON THE FRONT SAYS DAD THE YEAR HE WAS BORN THE YEAR HE PASSED ON THE BACK IT SAYS "YOUR WINGS WERE READY BUT MY HEART WAS NOT" AND ON THE INSIDE OF THE ORNAMENT IT HAS WHITE FEATHERS. I HOPE ALL OF YOU ARE DOING WELL! 

the title of this poem is "MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN" AUTHOR IS UNKNOWN (AT LEAST IT IS NOT INCLUDED ON THE POEM I GOT)

I SEE THE COUNTLESS CHRISTMAS TREES AROUND THE WORLD BELOW WITH THE TINY LIGHTS LIKE HEAVEN'S STARS REFLECTING ON THE SNOW. THE SIGHT IS SO SPECTACULAR PLEASE WIPE AWAY YOUR TEARS FOR I AM SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST THIS YEAR. I HEAR THE MANY CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT PEOPLE HOLD SO DEAR BUT THAT SOUND CAN'T COMPARE TO THE CHOIR OF ANGELS UP HERE. I HAVE NO WORDS TO TELL YOU THE JOY THEIR VOICES BRING. FOR IT IS BEYOND DESCRIPTION TO HEAR THE ANGELS SING. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME. I SEE THE PAIN INSIDE YOUR HEART. IT SEEMS I AM SO FAR AWAY, BUT WE REALLY AREN'T APART. JUST PLACE YOUR HAND UPON YOUR CHEST, AND THAT'S ME THAT YOU WILL FEEL. IN YOUR HEART FOREVER UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN. SO BE HAPPY FOR ME LOVED ONES. YOU KNOW I HOLD YOU DEAR. BE GLAD I AM SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST THIS YEAR. I SENT YOU EACH A SPECIAL GIFT FROM MY HEAVENLY HOME ABOVE. I SENT YOU EACH A MEMORY OF MY UNDYING LOVE. PLEASE LOVE AND KEEP EACHOTHER AS MY FATHER SAID TO DO. FOR I CAN'T COUNT THE BLESSINGS OF LOVE HE HAS FOR EACH OF YOU. SO HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND WIPE AWAY THAT TEAR, REMEMBER, I AM SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST THIS YEAR. 

[Heartlight]

Dear Shannon,

I also have a regret.  When I was leaving the hospital on the last night to take my mother home, I wanted to beg for him to stay with us.  I have this come up every now and then.  I was strong, for his sake, but the little girl in me is missing what could have happened if I had let myself do it differently.

How I help myself is allow it to play out in my mind.  What would have happened?  I let myself imagine how he would have comforted me, and how he probably would have talked me into leaving, just like I did.

From your description, it sounds like your dad knew, in his spirit, which is why he changed his answer.  Knowing this, don't you think he knew and meant for you to go?

It has been many years for me, and still the memory makes me cry.  But the comfort of knowing what my dad wanted for me soon takes it over.

I think have faith in him, like you always have, because maybe he was, in fact, still being your hero at the end by seeing you leave.

<3

[Shannon Green]

Heartlight, 

Thank you for your kind words. I am also sorry for your loss. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever been through. I have my good days and then there are the days all I want to do it cry. But you are right knowing my dad he would not have wanted me staying there with him he would have insisted on me coming home. 

[BEQUET93]

I am glad you were able to make it through Christmas and that the ornament and poem from your uncle gave you some comfort. The loss of a parent can be very painful. Just this past week, I was telling one of my coworkers it feels as though a part of me has been amputated, but peace can be found. I often visit the PanCan memorial wall and so often see others who lost a loved one years ago and for whom the pain of that loss is still felt, but not as sharply as in the beginning.