i lost my mom and i feel so empty

[Remi]

Hi. This might be really long, because I've never really spoken about this in detail before, so dont feel like you need to read it. I lost my mom almost two years ago– she died from lung cancer after fighting it for almost 5 years. I'm 16 now, so I was only 14 when she died. Becuase I was so young, I wasn't really completely conscious of what was happening until she was gone. I was in denial for basically all 5 years. I'm sure so many of you are familiar with this, but its so hard to put into words what has been going through my brain. It sounds so depressing and cliche, but I really haven't been happy since she got diagnosed and its so hard picturing myself ever being happy without her.

I think one of my biggest regrets was never getting help throughout the whole process– I've never been to therapy, gone to support groups, and my dad and brother (while I'm sure it was hard for them too, of course everyone grieves differently) seem to be handling it a lot better than I am. I have pretty severe anxiety, so I never even told my friends when she died. I wish I got help earlier on, because maybe then I would be in better shape than I am now. I know I can't put the blame on anybody but myself for not getting help, but to be honest I really just needed somebody, anybody, to ask me if I was ok. And nobody did. Like I said, it's almost been two years, and this is the only time I've even remotely reached out for help. I've gone through some pretty serious trauma, I guess, and it's just getting to bee too much.

My mom was my best friend in the whole world, and she was my favorite person. I know everybody thinks that their mom is the best mom in the whole world, but I'm telling you, there was something special about her. She would walk into a room and the whole energy would change. She was really special. And she fought so hard for us, and I really took the time we had together for granted. I really just miss her, so, so much. And It's so hard to say these things without sounding pretentious or entitled, or like I'm one of those people who thinks that they have it harder than everyone else, but I think there's something especially difficult about losing your mom when you're a young girl like me. I don't really have any other women in my life, and it's hard to say this without sounding selfish, but sometimes I really just need someone to guide me.  

I think a lot of the pain comes from not only just the grief of losing her and missing her, but also the idea of things changing. Growing up we were seen as kind of a "perfect" family, and to an extent, we were. My parents had a very happy marriage, I had a good childhood, my brother and I got along... you know. But now it's all different, and I'm never gonna get that back. It's also hard, I guess, because I have nobody to relate to. None of my friends have ever gone through something remotely like what I have. And I love them, and I know they love me, but I don't think they know how to help.

What I'm most scared of, though, is forgetting about her. I lost almost all my memories of her after she died. I think it might be my brain attempting to protect myself, but I'm not sure. 

Basically I'm here because feeling hopeless all the time is just so... tiring. And I'm so scared it's never going to get better. If any of you guys have advice on how to cope, or just want to tell me your story too, I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry if this seems annoying or something, I just thought maybe I could get some advice here. I'm not used to talking about this at all. I've read a few of other people's stories and you all seem like really nice, caring people, and I'm so grateful if you took the time to read mine. Thank you, really. I need it. :)

[kictoria]

Hi there, I related a lot to this post for several reasons but I wanted to start off by saying I am sorry for your loss and I'm going through something similar. 

I lost my mom in the beginning of the year and I'm a couple years older than you but it's still such a learning process every single day on how to deal with the loss and cope in a healthy manner. I can only imagine the impact it's nade at your age, or any age for that matter. The feeling of losing a best friend and a mother in one is truly the most shattering feeling then to top it off with anxiety and depression, it feels so overwhelming. 

I'm here to say although I, myself, am not 100% certain on my outlook of things - my judgement can be very clouded through the grieving process and still feel like there is so much weight on my shoulders - from what I've been told from much wiser people is that those memories will live on in your heart and mind forever. As the memories seem to fade, they still live on and not a single day will go by without remembering the love she had for you and your family. You're strong, and I do hope you're okay.

[BEQUET93]

I am sorry that you both experienced such profound losses at such young ages. Memories of those who have passed can surprise a person. Time passes and we worry that we are forgetting, then a certain moment brings back an image of the person in a certain time and place. Therapy can help with both your grief and your anxiety. It can be a safe place to talk about whatever is on your mind and share with an objective person. You can let your dad know how you are feeling and tell him that you might like to talk to a therapist. Also, just writing about it, either here or in a journal, can help. The changes that come after we lose someone are hard, on top of the changes one experiences when going from being an adolescent to adulthood. You've got a lot on your plate and it will take some time, but I truly believe you be able to work through this and find peace. Your mom meant everything to you and no one will ever be able to take her place, but you will one day be happy and it is okay to be happy.