Life span and summoning memories

[SharedLife]

I had a couple of thoughts while probing my memory.

One is the matter of our view of life. I've gathered that many participants here are, um, "mature" (let's say 35 years of age or older <wink, wink>) and can probably relate to this: Remember when you were a kid and it seemed life stretched out before you seemingly with no end?  Yet now, after decades have passed, there's a sort of finality ahead for all of us, and that seems to temper our moods and our actions. Our grief has surely influenced the way we interact with others, and the world around us...but aging may be an influence, too...especially now that we're alone. I consciously try to avoid sounding like a curmudgeon when a salesman calls or appears at the door, for example...but it's something I have to remain aware of and try to control.

The other thought I had concerns memory. I don't have a great memory--never did. I wonder if I've lost some memories.  I've been spending time trying to recall favorite moments with my wife.  It seems I can only recall some highlights, maybe not all.  It helps to look at old photos (of course, that sometimes causes pain, too).  But even though I try to force myself to focus on the good memories, the not-so-good memories creep into my mind (such as her suffering the last few years). I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to push those not-so-good memories away. 

[Missy1]

Grief does funny things to one’s brain, I know that I used to have a great memory but now my mind seems to be pushing out our life together sometimes because it’s so painful. Like the last 30 years are very fragmented. I was thinking of writing a journal of our best memories but I don’t want any one to ever read them. Our memories are so personal, little moments and nuances like nicknames or traditions we had. These are my gold, no one would understand the intimacy we shared in our every day life caring for each other.

Hold on tight to the good memories, I know that they sustain me as well as torment me, for we can cannot make new ones....

[Lars M]

Grief Brain it is a real syndrome and I suffer from it my memory is shot now i can't remember passwords and tasks at work I have done a hundred times. I can relate to trying to remember my wife I try and recall the great times we had and we had 30 years of them but my mind switches back to the last month of her life every time.  I talked to my grief counselor about this and she told my to look at old photo's of her and work thru the pain. It always goes back to the hospital bed where she spent the last two weeks of her life. I am afraid if my memory does not come back it may cost me my job. 

[KayC]

http://www.refugeingrief.com/grief-crazy/
http://mikeunkelhaeuser.weebly.com/blog/widows-brain
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9845-grief-brain/

[LoveNeverDies]

18 hours ago, SharedLife said:

I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to push those not-so-good memories away. 

I’m wondering the same. That’s all I think about the look on his face on that last day, when he stopped breathing,  trying to do CPR while on the phone with 911. It will be etched in my mind forever. I wish there was a magic eraser for our brain , so we could just focus on the good memories. 

[SharedLife]

9 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

That’s all I think about the look on his face on that last day, when he stopped breathing,  trying to do CPR while on the phone with 911. It will be etched in my mind forever.

I sometimes wonder if it's better or worse for the survivor to "be able to say goodbye" to someone who's at the end of their life. The loved one who's about to  depart may, in fact, be unconscious (as explained here) and unaware anybody's there. Is "saying goodbye" for the benefit of the dying or for the benefit of those who remain?

Similar to LoverNeverDies' experience, I found my wife not breathing at 3:30 a.m. and called 911. The dispatcher provided instructions for CPR (chest compressions) and counted for me as I performed the compressions.  It was futile.  Like LoveNeverDies says, that image of her lying there lifeless, when she had been with me just a few hours before, will also be forever etched in my mind and it's a memory I'd like to completely erase.

It also stays with me that she had said, years before, she didn't want to go from COPD (lung problems). She was a nurse and had seen patients' die from COPD. She passed because of pulmonary issues. That's also implanted in my mind. She passed away because of the condition she most feared.

I hope the article I linked to above is true, that death is preceded by unconsciousness.
"Everybody in palliative care can tell you stories of walking into a bedroom of a patient they've been looking after for a long time, and the family is gathered around the bed. The person has stopped breathing and nobody has noticed. So, really not very Hollywood. It's not what you see in the movies. [It's] way more gentle than that."

 

10 hours ago, KayC said:

http://www.refugeingrief.com/grief-crazy/
http://mikeunkelhaeuser.weebly.com/blog/widows-brain
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9845-grief-brain/

Thanks for the links you provide, Kay

[CatL]

My husband died 8 days after our anniversary. He passed away while at a rehab center, and I didn't know until the hospital called and told me to come. My last image of him was after he had already passed. And because of Covid I still had to stay on the other side of the glass. I'll never get that image out of my mind. But I keep a picture of him, one taken a couple of years before. Its one of the best pictures of my husband I have. I  keep that as my memory picture, its by my bed, as my screen saver on my cell phone, and the first one you see coming into the house. It how I want to remember him, and how I want others to remember him. 

As to my memories, we have a lot of pictures from trips we had taken, and I keep them out around the house. I was lucky, we had done some cruises and so had pictures of us together in different places. And I had taken pictures of him so I've had some of those printed and have a collage of my husband on a wall in the house. I'm sure some people may not understand, but I have to have something else to sear into my memory, not him on the other side of the glass.

I'm not in denial. I know he's gone. But I will do my best to remember the good times. Yes, we had our bad times to, but I refuse to forget the good times.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

I wish there was a magic eraser for our brain , so we could just focus on the good memories.

There is, it's called time and processing...I wish we could speed it up.  This is hard, I know!

9 hours ago, SharedLife said:

The loved one who's about to  depart may, in fact, be unconscious (as explained here) and unaware anybody's there.

Do not assume they didn't hear you.  My sister had a horrid accident, killed her 3 year old, brain damaged her (motor skills) and left her a quadriplegic.  She was in a coma for 4 1/2 months.  She told me later that she heard people come into her room and talking, she just couldn't respond, like being trapped in her own body.  My mom was in a coma at the end of her life, she could not respond but I did see movement in her eyelid for a second when I talked to her.  My other sister also was in a coma for 2 1/2 weeks.

My grandmother had a severe stroke and had to go to a nursing home.  Her and grandpa were married 72 years, the last 13 years she was unresponsive, in a coma.  He visited her every single day, he brushed her hair, held and stroked her hands, read her cards from the grandkids, talked with her.  I'd like to think someone would do that for me, but of course I know I have no one now, not really.  I have a friend who went into a coma this week, severe stroke, the hospital never even notified her husband, they're putting her into a nursing home for the rest of her life, he got no say!  No one but her daughters can visit (because they're nurses) but when it's opened back up to visitors I intend to be there and I will talk with her, unresponsive or not.  Her and I have been friends for 20 years, have been on the Praise Team all that time together, she's my sister's neighbor and friend for about 50 years now, my heart is sick about this happening to her...our worst nightmare is to be like that.

8 hours ago, CatL said:

I refuse to forget the good times.

Good for you!  Me too. 

[foreverhis]

On 12/18/2020 at 3:53 PM, SharedLife said:

The other thought I had concerns memory. I don't have a great memory--never did. I wonder if I've lost some memories.  I've been spending time trying to recall favorite moments with my wife.  It seems I can only recall some highlights, maybe not all.  It helps to look at old photos (of course, that sometimes causes pain, too).  But even though I try to force myself to focus on the good memories, the not-so-good memories creep into my mind (such as her suffering the last few years). I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to push those not-so-good memories away. 

Sometimes our 35 years of marriage and the 2 years before that when we were casual friends all seem like a fantasy I made up in my head.  My memory used to be really good.  In the theater circles in our area, I was known for being able to learn a show really fast.  One of my first auto-immune symptoms was issues with memories, which was weird to me.  As time went on, I noticed it more often.  After John died, it got even worse.  That's when I first heard the term grief brain or widow brain.  It's so true.

You'll need to decide whether the pain of seeing photos, etc. is worth the way it helps you remember.  And that will almost certainly change back and forth as you go along.  We are allowed and I encourage you to change your mind as many times as you want because what helps today might drag you into the dark pit tomorrow.

It's unfortunately natural and common for our brains to focus on our beloveds and their pain.  We're the ones here, so we're the ones who see it constantly.  As well, caregiving for me and likely others was an all-consuming "job" the last several months.  We were wrapped up in each other until he took his last breath and with an intensity that's hard to tamp down.  It's taking me a lot of time to shift my thinking and what I feel day in and day out.

Every day, I'd pray for him to get better; I bargained for it even, silly as that sounds.  I'd ask to please change places with him to spare him any more pain because he didn't deserve it and there were so many days I felt I did.  Our lives were taken over by forces we couldn't completely control, so we search for the why and how.  I understand now that I will not get those answers in this life time.  Maybe I'll understand in the next when I am, as I hope so much, with him again forever.  For now, it's natural to be focused on the clearest, newest memories.

These days I have many of our good, wonderful, and even mundane memories back.  At first, all I could really see were the last 14 months of him fighting his cancer, especially the hardest days, his final hospital stay, and of course his very last day.  It was more than a year before I also started really being able to see and remember all the good years and special times.  I can only speak for myself, but I think part of the reason I was (and sometimes still am) mired in only those months was me trying to figure out what I should have done, as if I had the omnipotent power to save him and somehow forgot to use it.  Being here and talking about it with people who won't think I'm weird and who understand really helps.

Now the painful images and memories aren't all-encompassing.  Most of the time they're in the back of my mind with better memories in front of them.  I don't miss him any less, but my grief is evolving as I'm figuring out how to cope with it.  Part of that coping has been me almost forcing those guilt-inducing, unbearably difficult memories and images back a little at a time.  I'm trying to let go of some of my guilt and shame over not saving him.  For a long time, I kept going over and over and over every mistake I made or might have made, and every decision that became "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors...?" after he died.  Those thoughts are still there, but again they aren't first and foremost every day and night (though nights are still the most difficult for me).

No, I don't think the painful memories ever go away.  Nor should they.  They are defining moments in the lives we shared with our soulmates.  Just as I will always smile and be joyful remembering the night I first saw him, the day he first asked me out, the night he proposed in his own silly way, and the smile on his face when he slipped my wedding ring on my finger, so will I always cry and grieve remembering the day the doctors gave us the news, the days he fought so hard, the night I had to take him to emergency the first time, and of course, the last days and even minutes of his life.  These are part of who we are, for better and for worse.  With the deep love comes the risk of great pain.  Even so, for me it was worth it because he was worth everything.

But those memories likely won't stay the way they are for you forever.  You must give yourself as much time as you need, as much as it takes, to allow your grief to begin to soften and change.  I am 2 years ahead of you on the journey and it's taken me this long to think that I might be able to carve myself a life I can live with at least some happiness.  At 6 months, I was lost, hopeless, and floundering around, even though I had and still have a small, wonderful support system.  That's when I found this forum and started to talk, question, and yes, sometimes even rant.  In truth, my first post was a rant about being angry when people would try to compare me losing John to them losing their dog/aunt/college friend/grandfather.  All difficult losses to be sure (especially for us, our beloved pets), but nowhere near the same.  Being here has allowed me to open up in a way that is also helping me move forward with my love and my grief together, rather than being crushed under the pain and sadness.  I hope it will help you do the same.

((HUGS))

 

[KayC]

Such a good post, foreverhis.  I know when I lost my Arlie last year it felt like when I lost George, all over again.  Whether that is partly from recall of that time, or just the fact that he was my companion (and the most special furry one I'd ever had!) I cannot say, maybe both.  George was my soulmate, Arlie was my soulmate in a dog, being the perfect one for me.  It was no easy loss, going through his cancer, seeing him go downhill and suffer, it broke my heart.  I have long felt that those who pass away are the lucky ones, we are the ones left that now pay the price and suffer.  This is hard, no matter how you view it.

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I have long felt that those who pass away are the lucky ones, we are the ones left that now pay the price and suffer.  This is hard, no matter how you view it.

This is how I feel with the loss of my wife. Especially during these uncertain times we are going through right now. I'm left all alone to face these uncertainties by myself, and it feels scary.