No more home

[LMR]

 

I am not dealing with his loss. Its been four months. I know that isnt long in the scheme of things but I just realised that I am losing home as well.

I have plans, vague ones because of covid, but plans to go to England and be with my sister. I have nobody here. A few friends have stuck by me, others have let me down entirely. Whatever, it isn't enough for a life. We have loved living here so much. The coast, the mountains, the desert, the small towns, the big monuments. I feel I need to go back to all these places and say goodbye to them too. I will never see them again and they are so tied up with my husband and our life together but I know I cannot afford to do that and that has made me even more sad. No more home.

[SharedLife]

"Home is where the heart is". One’s true home is where one’s affections are centered.

Your affection for husband will forever reside in your heart.

Does it matter where you reside geographically?  He will be with you no matter where you live. That may feel painful to think about at present, but hopefully it will become less so with time. And, at least in my mind, it makes to thought of death less final.

As for friends and all that, give it time, make an effort to find friends. It's next to impossible given the coronavirus but hopefully that will end within a year or less.  If you have interests (painting, hobbies, traveling), look for online forums discussing them.  It will keep you in touch with other people and keep your mind somewhat occupied. Find a grief group and participate. Or see a grief counselor. 

Or maybe going to be with your sister is a good idea. But perhaps you shouldn't be hasty in your decision.  Allowing some time to mull it over might be good.

[LMR]

I know my husband will always be with me wherever I go, and so will the pain and the emptyness. Losing this place that meant so much to us, so full of memories is just added pain. To think of not seeing all these beautiful things again is just another loss. Our life, together.

I wont be doing anything for 6 months but my sister is the only person left to love. Without her I wouldn't even bother to try.

[Diane R. E.]

Yes, LMR - you are so right about the loss of not seeing those places again and the loss of a future with your husband. The loss of our partner is bad enough, but we have other losses to grieve too. I don't have any advice about your move, other than do what seems right to you. (((hugs)))

[LMR]

Thankyou Diane for understanding. These things we feel are strange. Sometimes I think I am going insane. But this one is like I'm losing him twice.

[KayC]

LMR, I agree that you need to do what brings you the most comfort.  I also agree that we never truly lose everything that we have memory of.  Take a picture with your mind & store it in your heart.

[jmmosley53]

It seems odd that this topic comes up right now.  My husband was the total home body.  He hated being out in public, and would always want to go home right away when I had talked him into accompanying me to some event.  Even when we went to family functions after 10 minutes he would start asking when I wanted to leave.  He was most comfortable in our house.  I few year prior to his death he became very sick and was unable to do the house hold projects he loved to do.  Now I cherish seeing the thing he put his hand to in the house.  When he was in the hospital just before he died all he wanted was to come home.  After his death I was so glad that I could bring his cremains home so he could be were he wanted to be.  That ties me to our home.  I love this little house we shared and were so happy in.  I never want to leave it.  I put my favorite photo of him up where I can see it all the time.  It is not a recent photo, I do not want to remember him being sick, he did not like what was happening to his body as his sickness progressed.  So a photo of him strong and healthy is what I have for my remembrance.  

[LMR]

I took out my favorite photo, one from many years ago. He was so handsome, eyes twinkling. I loved him more each day. I know it sounds like such a cliche but it's true. The photo I want to look at now is the 'old' guy because I loved him so much more than the young one. Every day added another kiss, another smile, a look, a hug, a touch. Each time it seemed like I couldn't love him more......until the next day!

[JohnS]

LMR, I have maybe a similar feeling about a place that my girlfriend and I vacationed every year - the coast of Maine. Going there was our first vacation many years ago, and we both fell in love with the area. Kennebunkport, Maine was probably her favorite. I hope to return to Maine on my own to a music camp in Bar Harbor (whenever COVID clears), but I'm not sure I'd ever be able to go back to Kennebunkport, and that makes me sad because I have loved that place too. But the thought of spending any time there without her - well, that's out of the question. So I may now also be grieving the loss of spending time in a magical place. Maybe I shouldn't say I'll never go back - who knows, but right now...no. And as I am sure others on the website can attest, experiencing the loss of a loved one in this horrific COVID year makes an unbearable loss even worse, if that's even possible. I'd love to jump on a plane and head to my brother's on the Gulf Coast to see him again, but for all the COVID reasons, I can't. All I can tell you is that you have a bunch of folks here who "get it" with your feelings of losses (plural). I wish you some peace in this most difficult of holiday seasons.

[Gail 8588]

LRM, 

For financial reasons, after John's death I had to sell the wonderful, magical home we had lived in 14 years. It was his favorite of all the places we lived. It was very hard emotionally for me to let that house go. 

But I think we have to do what works for us in this new existence.  No matter how much we don't want it, the chapter of our life with our loves is over. We have to create a new life for ourselves.

If your sister is the only person left to love, living near her may be the best choice for your new life.  I'd be open to the idea. 

You will always have your memories of your life with your sweetie. It will be in your heart forever.

Peace

Gail