Desire to live?

[Dawn Wms]

Am I the only one who feels like killing herself?  I am not a violent person, so the idea of self-murder is appalling, but I do not want to live without my husband who died.  I know that I would create more pain for family and friends, but it hurts so much I just can't bear it.  I don't want to grow old alone, but I also don't want anyone else.  I am almost 60 years old.  I am too old to start over but too young to think I just have to stick it out for a few more years.  I have nothing to look forward to except decline.  I think about suicide every day.  Just wondering if anyone else have such extreme thoughts.

[Yoli]

Yes your thoughts reflect my thoughts.

[Sparky1]

I have the exact same feelings too but would never kill myself. I also think about my future and how can I face it alone? My wife was my true love and I promised her that I would always love her no matter what. I'm at that age you mentioned as well and like you said, I worry about getting older and not knowing who will be there for me. The kids are far away and have their own lives. None of them came to stay with me when my wife passed away. I've been alone since my wife passed and I can say it's not easy.

[Dawn Wms]

I don't want to kill myself either, I just don't want to live without him.  The loneliness is indescribable.  No one else can take his place.  I just don't know where to go from here.  I am an independent woman, yet I feel like I really can't live without him.  I can manage the household and pay the bills, but I need him for so much more.

[SharedLife]

3 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

Am I the only one who feels like killing herself?

No, you're not alone. I've seen numerous posts here about it, and I've also considered it. I haven't done so--and probably won't--because I saw and experienced the suffering that followed my father's suicide.

[SharedLife]

5 minutes ago, Dawn Wms said:

I just don't want to live without him.  The loneliness is indescribable.  No one else can take his place.  I just don't know where to go from here.

You're in a great deal of pain and anguish.  I'm sorry you're experiencing that.  Virtually everybody here is, too.  That's why this forum exists--a place to share feelings and to, hopefully, learn how to cope with the loss. There are also grief counselors and bereavement groups. Consider a counselor or group. It might help.

The common advice is that it takes time, and that can vary from person to person. Try not to dwell on that which makes you sad. Try to stay occupied. Give yourself some time to begin to heal. 

[KayC]

Yes your feelings are common, I would say "normal in grief"...grief puts everything into perspective.  It's not so much that we don't want to live as much as we want out of our pain!  And we have zero feelings of motivation or zest for life.  It takes much time to begin to adjust and heal and develop a life we can live, I hope and pray you give it the necessary time to pull through this.  When things get really hard, those thoughts still might creep in, but being able to have the perspective of having survived so much and seeing that there are good days/times helps us stick it out through those tough times.  That and having family you don't want to put through this.  Although when we feel most down we aren't always thinking of everyone else, but our own pain seems to dominate.  It does help to see a grief counselor and be candid with them.

 

Please read:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/thoughts-of-suicide-in-grief.html
https://afsp.org/story/advice-on-talking-to-someone-with-suicidal-thoughts-from-someone-who-s-had-suicid
https://metanoia.org/suicide/

[DMB]

I also felt like not living at first but then I really broke down a few times, sobbing that I CAN'T DO THIS,  those feelings are a little less for me now.  I sort of make a joke about it, oh fish I woke up, guess I'm not going to die today!  When I saw the fear of death in my husbands face I said, "Don't worry, I'll be right behind you"  Will I?  I have no clue.

I almost asked the Dr. for something.  I just keep going, there are some days that are getting better,  so I have to remain hopeful that in 2021 I will start to turn a corner.  I hope in time, you guys will too.

 

[LoveNeverDies]

Thoughts of suicide have been on my mind too. Emotional pain is so difficult to deal with.It’s  so lonely not to have the person who you shared everything with not be here to talk to. It’s been 3 weeks today that he died.. it seems like time is pushing forward, but I can’t seem to move on , my mind is still back to when he was alive. People here have been helpful. It’s a little less lonely knowing people are going through the same heartache that I am.  I hope we all can find some meaning in our lives to go forward.

[foreverhis]

Yes, I've absolutely had those dark thoughts, especially in the first months.  I'd be lying if I said I never thought about just ending it all and (hopefully) joining him.  But I never put those thoughts into actual planning and certainly not into action.  I wouldn't admonish anyone who does though because this grief, this pain and loss, really do feel like it could kill us sometimes.  It's as if life is no longer worth living, so why not just be done with it.  But I plead with all of you not to take action, no matter how hard it seems right now.

We have lost our one essential soulmate, the person who made us want to get up each day and live a shared life.  Of course we feel like we're too weak to go on because our strength and support is missing.  I hate, hate, hate the word normal now because nothing seems normal, so I'll say instead that these thoughts and feelings seem to be so typical that they're practically expected--only no one tells us about it in advance because our society sucks at even acknowledging death and grieving, much less helping us understand what we might feel, think, and do.

I am going on 2-1/2 years now.  It's been and still is a long, winding, painful journey from the life we shared into the unknown life ahead.  And that's one tip:  Do not try to look far down the road at all because that's when the despair really hits.  Just do right now, today, by getting up, getting dressed, and breathing.  I still tell myself that "I can do today" and now often "I have plans for tomorrow."  And some days, I still wonder "What's the point?  Why am I still here having to deal with life alone?"  Those days and thoughts aren't as frequent and they no longer drag me far down into the dark pit for days on end.  I claw myself up, grasping little bits of hope and support along the way.

I will not paint some rosy picture about how I'm "better" or "healed" or any nonsense like that because it's simply not true.  This isn't a cold we'll get over or a bone that will mend.  This is a permanent wound of our hearts and minds, and a permanent shattering of the life we had.  I accept that I will never be as happy as I was before, but I can look back on my own journey, at the steps I've taken forward with my grief and my love, and see that I am a little happier than I was the night I came home alone, forever. 

I guess my point is that my grief has been evolving, changing as I learn to live with it.  I will never move on or "get over it," of course not.  None of us will.  But I am learning to move forward carrying him with me always.  I am in my early 60s and have zero interest in finding another relationship.  How could I?  Even if I ever met a really nice man, he wouldn't stand a chance against my comparisons.  And that would be supremely unfair to him.  I love my husband, forever.  So I am figuring out how to have different love in my life.  My small, loyal, and supportive circle of family and friends, both close by and distant, is helping with that.  In allowing myself to smile and laugh now without feeling it's a complete betrayal of my husband, I feel slightly lighter and somewhat more connected to the world around me again.  Of course COVID has...messed...up everything.  (Another word popped into my mind there.  One I do not use in public, ever.)

I have also been able to bring forward the memories and images of nearly 35 years of our life together, and not just the horrible, defining moments of his last 15 months or the image of seeing him take his last breath and feeling him leave this world.  In the first year or more when that was most of what I could really see or think about, I had far more of those dark thoughts of giving up.  I can honestly say that I'm glad I didn't because I know our granddaughter needs me to help her finish growing up, hearing stories about her adored and adoring grandpa, our daughter still needs her mom around for a while longer, and there are people who truly want to help me figure out how to make a life I can live without him.

It's not easy.  Lord knows it's the hardest thing I and most of us will ever have to do.  Once I was able to accept the reality (just that, not accepting that his death was right or fair or just--it wasn't and it never will be), I was able to start letting go of the darkest thoughts.  It takes time and lots of it, so please be patient with yourselves. We all should be patient with ourselves and with each other.  Try not to give in to letting the darkness drag you down so far you cannot see your way out.  Come here to talk, question, rant, "scream" even because over time it really helps to let everything out to those who "get it" in ways no one else can.

((HUGS)) to all of you.

[widower2]

  

On 12/17/2020 at 7:25 PM, Dawn Wms said:

Am I the only one who feels like killing herself?  I am not a violent person, so the idea of self-murder is appalling, but I do not want to live without my husband who died.  I know that I would create more pain for family and friends, but it hurts so much I just can't bear it.  I don't want to grow old alone, but I also don't want anyone else.  I am almost 60 years old.  I am too old to start over but too young to think I just have to stick it out for a few more years.  I have nothing to look forward to except decline.  I think about suicide every day.  Just wondering if anyone else have such extreme thoughts.

As you can see, you're certainly not the only one. If my parents hadn't still been alive and I didn't have her/our dog, I may not be here typing this. As Kay wisely pointed out, it isn't so much that we want to die, we just want this unbearable pain to end.  

I'm about your age and respectfully disagree that you're too old to "start over," though it's obviously a whole diff situation. It's up to you obviously but I think it's worth at least considering seeing someone again...it doesn't have to be with marriage or even romance or anything grandiose in mind; simply someone to share part of your life with. Loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be, a powerful, horrid darkness, and to find someone who can cast a beam of light and make even some of that go away I think is worth considering. It may be just a friendship/companionship thing but I'd leave the doors open. Slamming them shut and locking the door sounds to me almost Ebeneezer Scrooge-like in terms of being determined to stay alone. And PS you can call me "Eb" because I've been there. A long time.  I couldn't imagine anyone else either. What's more I didn't deserve it. But I'm (finally) starting to re-think that and wish I had sooner...I might have saved years and years of painful darkness. Life doesn't have to be a dead end now. Just something to think about.   

 

 

[KayC]

When Mom (my MIL) passed away, Papa (my FIL) fell in love a month later.  We had a hard time handling that, they were married 40 years!  Granted, she'd been bedridden with cancer for three years (I took care of her at their house) but to us she was barely cold in her grave!  But we realized he'd done anticipatory grieving and men have a hard time with being alone...

The person he fell in love with was also widowed, although hers had been a horrid marriage to an alcoholic that beat on her.  She never married again.  After Papa passed away, years later, I talked to her about how much he loved her.  She said he'd never told her!  They were companions/friends all those years (didn't live together but took care of each other after surgeries, etc.), spent all their time together, but he never told her out of respect for her feelings!  I told her he'd blurted it out to me a month after Mom passed!  

This lady became part of our family, even hosting some family events.  She recently passed and we miss her!  

One can have a special relationship that doesn't have to end in marriage, nor does one relationship "replace" another, they are all unique.  You treasure each one for the good there was in it.

[MODArtemis2019]

16 minutes ago, KayC said:

One can have a special relationship that doesn't have to end in marriage, nor does one relationship "replace" another, they are all unique.  You treasure each one for the good there was in it.

This is so very true, and very well said. It even applies to other relationships, such as close friend, sibling, or parent. We will never replace the person/relationship lost, but hopefully we can be open to new meaningful relationships in the future.   

[jmmosley53]

Dawn Wms,

I am sorry for your loss and pain. 

I too have thought I could not go on without my love. 

Luckily I realized that I was not in the frame of mind to even consider such actions.   I don't know if science has done a test on it yet,  but I know I do not have the cognitive thinking I had before my husbands death.  Counselors have said not to make any life changing decisions until later when my thinking is not so driven by pain and grief. 

Being dead is for a very long time.  It can wait.

[Dawn Wms]

I appreciate your response.  I won't do anything soon, but I think about it all the time.  I don't want to be here without him.

[steveb]

Dawn, I understand your pain. My wife Chong committed suicide on 31 July 20. I found her. She was  in a lot of physical pain due to her many health issues.  Despite her pain, she lovingly took care of me during my bout with leukemia in 2017.  In honor of her, I feel I must live a fulfilling life.  By fulfilling, I mean a relationship based life, connecting with others, always telling my kids that I love them, etc.  It may not feel like it at the moment, but you have much to live for.  

 

 

[foreverhis]

On 12/22/2020 at 5:19 PM, Dawn Wms said:

I appreciate your response.  I won't do anything soon, but I think about it all the time.  I don't want to be here without him.

Please, I urge you, strongly urge you, to keep coming here to talk.  Every one of us understands what you mean when you say you don't want to be here without your soulmate.  I felt that way for a long time and still do sometimes, but not like at first.  I promise you that the members here want to help you through these darkest days.

[foreverhis]

On 12/20/2020 at 6:44 AM, KayC said:

One can have a special relationship that doesn't have to end in marriage, nor does one relationship "replace" another, they are all unique.  You treasure each one for the good there was in it.

I think this is something we should all remember.  I don't mean only romantic relationships, but every kind.  I think that's what Kay likely means too (though I hesitate to "put words in her mouth").

One thing we realize, if we didn't know it already, is that loving relationships should not be taken lightly, ever.  No doubt we already knew that the capacity to give and receive love is infinite and there is always room for more.  But it's so common for people, and that used to include me, to take for granted that we will have more time, more chances to say "I love you" (again, romantically or platonically), and more ways to show we care.  Unfortunately, we all know that life is precious and fragile and that the love we find should be embraced and cherished.

John and I already had a small, tight circle of loving friends and family.  These days I nurture those relationships as best I can.  For the first year or more, it was all I could do to simply exist and so they had to "do the heavy lifting" for that time.  OTOH, when the people we love had their own challenges, we have been there no matter what.  We have done some of that heavy lifting because that is what you do for the people you truly love.  John and I were blessed, as I still am, with two best friends who married each other (so nice for us that they fell in love!).  They are our sister-and-brother-by-choice and every bit as important as our birth families.  Truthfully, more so in some ways.  They, not my birth family, were the first ones to drop everything, pack the car, and drive to me when John died.  I can't really fault my other sisters (by birth and in law) though because of other commitments it took them time to adjust. 

And I have new friends who are neighbors and who we were just really getting to be friends with when my love was diagnosed.  This second small circle stepped up as best they could while he was fighting and fully embraced me after my self-imposed hermit time (about 6-7 months immediately after).

This is how I am learning to keep love in my life, even though it will never and can never be what I had (and have) with my soulmate.  Though at first it seemed as if all the love had been sucked out of my life, I now know that the love remaining is helping to sustain me now and until the time I am with John again.

[Linda L Dyer]

One of the last things my husband asked me was if I had any regrets. I told him the only regret I had was that we weren’t driving down the highway going over 100mph and hit the back of a stationary 18-wheeler (no people in or around it) and become bug guts on the truck at the same time. I so wish we had both died at the same time. God picks me up and carries me but sometimes the grief is so overwhelming I can’t breathe. 

[KayC]

Lynda, I am glad you found this place, welcome here...here we get it.  I don't know how long it's been for you, I hope you continue to come here, read/post.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Rocky5678]

On 12/17/2020 at 7:25 PM, Dawn Wms said:

It hurts so much I just can't bear it.  I don't want to grow old alone, but I also don't want anyone else.  I am almost 60 years old.  I am too old to start over but too young to think I just have to stick it out for a few more years.  I have nothing to look forward to except decline.  I think about suicide every day.  Just wondering if anyone else have such extreme thoughts.

I am nearly 27 and terrified of "starting over". I just keep thinking about what a long life I have left until I'm with him again. I have so many animals (4 dogs, 5 cats, 2 rats, 3 fish tanks). I keep telling myself just keep going until they've all passed. Then we'll see what happens. Even that is likely to be 18 years or more (I just got him a kitten for his birthday. He wanted her so bad).

and it's overwhelming thinking of them all passing too until I have no reason left to keep going. 

He was the only person I've had a relationship with. we started dating when I was 17.