he's everywhere

[lb100000055]

I lost my 3 year old cat due to heart disease 5 days ago. Every day I come home from work and he isn't there. I don't see him through the window running to greet me. It just doesn't seem fair that a cat so young could have gotten so sick so fast. The night before he got sick something in my head told me I should stay up all night and pet him. And by noon that day he was sick. We took him to the vet and they said that he needed to be hospitalized but he would most likely die anyways. I stayed home with him after and petted him and let him do all his favorite things and I thought he was magically fine. But the next day I went to work and he died while I wasn't home. I just can't seem to get over it because maybe if I had been there I could have seen the signs and gotten him to the vet sooner. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him my mom had him cremated without even asking me. My mom got him from one of her work friends when he was around 8 weeks old. And from day one I was his person. I'm the one who litter box trained him. Since day one he followed me around from room to room. he really was my best friend. He was involved in everything I did. Every piece of homework I have ever brought home was chewed on by him.  He was skittish and I am the only one he really trusted. I lost my cat fudge I grew up with to heart disease as well, I had fudge since I was 3 years old and until I was 16. He lived a long happy life. And I was truly devastated when I had to put him down but I petted him the whole time and told him it was okay and I loved him. But my Loki had such a short life and I wasn't even there for him when he needed me the most. Loki died a painful death in the arms of someone who he was terrified of which is something I will never forgive myself for. I never really got over fudges death and I begged my mom not to get another cat because I never wanted to feel that devastated ever again, but she attempted to replace him in 3 days with Loki. fudge was the first friend I ever had but Loki was my little baby cat no matter how old he got. I was a lonely kid and didn't have any friends besides fudge. He was always there for me when I needed him the most. I depended on fudge, but it seemed like Loki always needed me. I would do anything to go back and take him to the vet when he first showed symptoms. fudge was everyone's cat, but Loki only ever really had a bond with me.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Grief has taught me that "fair" doesn't enter in.  I can't understand why some live years and some die young, luck of the draw I suppose.  So hard.  You can't just not go to work, so I hope you can be forgiving of yourself, we don't know what we don't know.  If only we all have hindsight ahead of time, but we don't.  It's reasonable to assume they'll be with us when we get home!  If it's any consolation, sometimes cats go off to die because they want to be alone in it and not have to worry about us and our feelings while they're doing so.  My husband died suddenly, the nurse threw me out while they worked on him, I worry he felt abandoned, we were always together through everything!  I felt I wasn't able to be there for him when he needed it most.  But perhaps it was enough for him to focus on transitioning to what's next w/o having to worry about me.  Hard to quell the thoughts though, it was 15 1/2 years ago.  I never get "over it" but have had to learn to live with it & adjust to the changes it's meant for my life.  Had so many losses, my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, my 25 year old cat, Kitty, so many more!  I reckon it's part of life's cycle, doesn't make it easy though.

I hope you can focus on being united with them again someday.