Recent unexpected death of long-term boyfriend

[Stephanie90]

My boyfriend (soon to be fiance) died last month of an accidental overdose. I have been having a hard time coming to terms with it all and I feel like I am going crazy because I can't stop thinking about him. We were in an argument at the time of his passing so he was at his mom's house a few days (we have lived together for the past 4 years). His mom found him on the morning of 11/9/2020 dead. I feel horrible because he wanted to come back home that night and I wouldn't let him yet because I was still upset. If I just let him come back home none of this would have happened - even if something did happen I would have been there next to him to call an ambulance. I'm so sad that I never even got to tell goodbye or that I'm sorry for our stupid fight; I didn't even get to see his body. A small memorial was held for his family and close friends and it seemed like after the memorial everyone just went on like nothing happened. We were suppose to buy a house together in August and start a family. We have been wanting a kid for a long time. Now I feel very alone and don't know how to move on without him. He is all that I think about all day everyday.