This is the 1st time I'm doing ... since.

[jmmosley53]

I was surprised when several times recently I said 'this is the 1st time I (did something) since Richard died'  or 'so this is the new way you are going to do (what ever) now that Richard is gone'.  On one particular incident I caught my self thinking that and said ' there was no reason you couldn't had done it that way any time you wanted' .  It dawned on me that I was keeping track of stuff like that.  I could have folded the towels any way I wanted.  My husband did not care about towel folding.  But since I folded towels with a tri-fold I had to made note that this was new behavior since the death of my husband.

I do not know why I seem to think this way.  There is so much internal dialog in my head.  There is only the dog to talk to so I chatter in my head.

Thinking that YES this is the 1st time I climbed a ladder and changed the A/C intake filter make me a tiny bit proud of myself but also brings tears to my eyes thinking how we would have done it together.  Me holding the ladder and handing up the filter.  Makes me cry now just typing it.

Dose anyone else experience this and how do you make it stop.

[foreverhis]

Yes and I don't know.  I don't think we can make it stop.  I think it eventually stops, or at least isn't frequent, when we do more and more of the "us" things by ourselves or have someone do them if we can't.

For me, making coffee was one.  I kept doing it the way I had, but every morning I'd get up and see that little scoop machine (not pod; you grind the bean and put the ground in a mesh scoop) ready to go because I always set up the first cup before bed so he'd only have to push the button.  So now I grind the coffee at night, but put it together and make my cup in the morning.  Another was learning to make the Soda Stream plain sparkling water we enjoy as our primary beverage.  That was his job, so if I wanted it I had to learn.  He would make up a day's supply for both of us all at once.  I do one or two at a time now.  And then there's laundry.  He did all our laundry for more than 30 years.  I had to not only learn the newer machine, but figure out how I wanted to fold and hang stuff.  And yep, changing the furnace filter was another task I handled on my own.  These things and others were really painful for a long time, but now they're mostly part of life.  I do think of him and see him in my mind's eye often.   I talk to him all the time and ask for his help.  Like when I change the reverse osmosis filters.  I was scared to death the first time thinking I'd screw up something, but I've now done it twice (still a little scared this time, but better) and was even able to figure out why one fitting was leaking when I turned the system back on--and I fixed it all by myself.  Pride and sadness go along with every one of those things.

It took well over a year before I stopped thinking of everything in terms of what he might like.  From groceries to a new bathroom rug to paint color to the kitchen we were about to start remodeling.  Actually, the kitchen has been interesting because I've had to lower my budget, so his "splurge" soapstone countertop is now going to be quartzite, which I love and is more affordable.  The pendant lights he chose as his second splurge aren't happening at all because that was something I didn't care much about and I can use the money elsewhere.  But much of it is staying exactly the same because we had such similar tastes.  It took me until this year when I was looking at paint colors for the second bedroom to realize I could pick some light, soft green samples as options.  Though he liked clear and dark greens in clothes and as accents, John disliked green on walls, even tonal greens, but I always thought it would look nice in that room and go well.  So I got some color cards, chose a few, and taped them up to ponder.  Then I looked up and said, "What?  You don't get a say in this now.  You left me."  which I followed with my usual, "I know you didn't leave us on purpose.  I miss you so much. But I still may go with a soft green in here!"

It seems as if all of the "firsts" of tasks and choices and events lead us along as part of the evolution of our grief.  I'm not sure it will ever be easy, but for me at least, it's not as difficult now.

[SharedLife]

5 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

Dose anyone else experience this and how do you make it stop.

I have the same or similar thoughts all the time.  Her absence is like an internal alarm shouting "Malfunction" every time I do something that we once did together--or that I did for her. I don't think you can MAKE it stop. I believe it requires time...and healing.

[Sparky1]

I know the feelings as well. I try to remember how my wife did things and try to do them the same. I've learned to use the KitchenAid mixer to make dough or muffin mixes. In all the years we had it, I never used it once. I have to remember to push in the chair at the dinner table because she always gave me heck for leaving it out. I used to do most of the chores anyway because of her physical limitations, such as the laundry, cleaning floors, etc. She used to do the cooking most of the time but I'm pretty good at cooking so it doesn't bother me. The only thing is that I have to figure out what to make for dinner. This was one of her dilemmas as well and now I realize she was right. I realize now how she was right in a lot of things and it makes me miss her even more.

[KayC]

At some point you do quit thinking "this is the first time since..." as it becomes no longer the first time.  I don't remember at what point it quits but for each of us it'd be different anyway as we all go out of our comfort zone at different timetables.  I remember well the first time I ventured out to get groceries without him, had to do my own bagging.  I cried the whole 100 mile trip...it was something we always did together and made a day of, going out to eat first, sometimes seeing friends.  Now it's just a chore to get over with.

It was hard learning to cook for just me.  I didn't care what I ate.  Still wouldn't so much except I have my health to maintain now.  I had to learn to value myself, just me, without someone's validation.  I had to learn to value myself and be my own best friend.  Took a long time to get there.  A very long time.

In those early months/years, everything seems a trigger, a reminder...

[luckystarhongkong]

yeah I have this kind of thoughts often. Everywhere I go everything I do I've got the thoughts of ' last time when we do this/are here, she was well and happy, now she's gone forever.'  Don't know when it will stop. The heartache is 24/7. No escape. 

[Gail 8588]

I agree with the other responders, I don't think there is anything you can do to make it stop.  As you go on living, these thoughts become less common.  Going into my 5th year of grief, I can tell you for me they are now pretty infrequent.  I may have to buy a new, for me, car this year, and that will certainly be another first for me. (I am dreading the thought of it as I am a terrible negotiator, I don't do conflict well at all. So I know I will end up paying too much for a used car. Then I'll think he is so disappointed in me. Ugh.  I digress. Back to the topic.)

In a strange way, some of these feelings morph into a good feeling.  My husband loved to cook. He often cooked in cast iron pots and pans. He was very particular about how to clean cast iron and I did not always appreciate, or follow his recommendations on that. But now I carefully handle and care for my (formerly his) cast iron pots and pans exactly as he preferred. I almost always talk to him about it as I am doing it.  I know he is pleased that I have come to love a perfectly seasoned cast iron skillet.  

I still feel that I am currently in a relationship with my husband.  He is still part of my decision making, part of my day to day life. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

. He often cooked in cast iron pots and pans. He was very particular about how to clean cast iron and I did not always appreciate, or follow his recommendations on that. But now I carefully handle and care for my (formerly his) cast iron pots and pans exactly as he preferred. I almost always talk to him about it as I am doing it.  I know he is pleased that I have come to love a perfectly seasoned cast iron skillet. 

Even though I am not your John, may I tell you that I am proud of you?

I've probably mentioned that I am an excellent home cook and baker.  Up until the last few years, I was the keeper of my family's heirloom cast iron.  Because of my medical conditions, the only one I can still lift is the small divided corn cake pan.  When I first got cast iron, I was a fairly young cook and didn't take seasoning care as seriously as I should.  That soon changed when I discovered rust spots and had to scrub them off (I used the salt-baking soda method) before re-seasoning.  Last year, I bought a set (8" and 10") of excellent carbon steel pans.  I've had to learn a whole different method of seasoning and this time from scratch, but they are getting really nice.  It's a compromise I can live with, especially knowing that the cast iron will continue to be handed down from one generation to the next.

It's wonderful that you have embraced those beautiful pans and that you talk to John about it.  Of course he is pleased.

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

I still feel that I am current in a relationship with my husband.  He is still part of my decision making, part of my day to day life.

Absolutely.  Though I am learning to trust myself and my decisions more often, John is with me in my heart and mind all the time.  I talk to him less often than at first, when it was basically constant at home and with lots of sobbing, breaking down, fear, and anger at everyone and everything, but I think I will always talk to him because I am still his and always will be.

[luckystarhongkong]

4 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am a terrible negotiator, I don't do conflict well at all. So I know I will end up paying too much for a used car.

me too. My wife was much street smart than me and I dreaded negotiating with people. I don't know how to haggle and is easily ripped off. I dare not make big decision since she was gone. Next month I have to renew the tenancy contract for my shop. She always struck a good deal. I am starting to worry. 

[june483]

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I still feel that I am currently in a relationship with my husband.  He is still part of my decision making, part of my day to day life. 

 

Thanks Gail - I don't ever want to lose that feeling that he is still with me.  I find myself doing things like using his eyeglass holder when I drive and when I am chopping vegetables and making his pizza dough I feel like he is right there with me and I like that feeling I do not want it to ever fade.

[Gail 8588]

Me too. 

[KayC]

Gail, can you take a friend of yours or your husband to help with buying a car?  My George was a horrid negotiator so I had to smile at this.  His idea of negotiating was to make them put $5 gas in an overpriced vehicle!    But he had fun buying them...I was left with $72,000 debt against my home that I previously had paid for...after my big "mistake" I had paid down $35,000 and still had $107,000 owing, now it's whittled down to $62,000 and I'll be nearly 80 before it's zero...I plan to take out my pittance of IRA to pay it off hopefully when I'm 75.  Can't afford any more mistakes!

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

I have moved away from where we lived for the 14 years before my husband died. So I don't really have our old friends around me.  I may ask my brother-in-law to help me. We are not real close, as he was not real close to his brother, however I do think he would do his best by me.  He has been very sentimental about his brother.  I think he would like an opportunity to 'look out for me' for his brother. 

Gail

[KayC]

I hope so.  It must have been very hard moving away.  Something I hope I don't have to do although I'm no longer haunted by the memories here, I do still remember them.  It just seems like a far away movie I watched.

[arizonaKT]

I just had my first trip to the grocery store. It was so hard not to break down in the middle of the store and make a scene. I just kept thinking about all the things I would normally get at the store for him. I loved to surprise him with his favorite snack items at the store. 

I have so much internal dialog as well. I just want "normal" again. 

[luckystarhongkong]

a few weeks after my wife's passed I went to the market where we often visited together. I had tears in my eyes roaming there; I kept thinking : last time when we were here we were so happy. Grief changed everything in an instant. All the joyful moments become excruciating pains. It's hard to go on...

[KayC]

I couldn't go buy groceries for quite a while after he died, my daughter had to do it.  It was something we always did together.  The first time I did I bawled.