My Boyfriend died 8 months ago.

[LOADEDSODA]

My boyfriend died 8  months ago and my life hasnt been that great ever since. Ive been drunk or high trying to bottle up my emotions and im know im in serious denial of him being dead. Friends have been great, as much as they can be in this situation. 10 years gone down the drain. Everything reminds me of him. Im constantly in my google photos looking at pictures of him.  Thats all i do.  I hadnt moved anything in the apartment since he died. Finally changed the living room around this weekend. The thing is i dont want to have a life without him.  Not in a suicidal way. I just dont see me finding a life better then we had.  Tje greiving is hard but will it ever get better.  

 

Ryan

[Gail 8588]

LoadedSoda, 

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your true love is so hard, but during this pandemic with the added isolation, it is especially challenging. 

It sounds like you were together for 10 years.  So many memories. So many plans for the future. It is so unfair. 

Please feel welcome to come here and rant, rage, cry, question or just read the posts of others.  Often friends and family don't get how life shattering it is to lose your love, because they haven't experienced this type of loss. We get it. Our lives have been shattered too. 

Our experiences are unique, as our relationship with our soulmate was unique. But in grieving this kind of loss, it is some comfort to read what other people are going through as well.  I am so sorry that you have reason to join us on this grief journey none of us want to travel. But I am glad you found us and hope you will post again.

Gail

[jmmosley53]

Hello Loadedsoda,

I get how tempting it is to seek oblivion  - to try and not think at all - but there really is no escape.  The facts are the facts, as horrible as it is.  I too am at 8 months.  I cry almost every day, my heart hurts.  Even if I was in a room with 100 people I would be lonely because he wasn't there. I smoked some weed once or twice and for a few minutes I was numb enough to be able to look at his photo and smile instead of cry, but I don't want to be numb.  I don't think drink or drugs is going to be a long term solution to my facing up to my pain of losing him.

I too have felt like I don't want a life without him.  That if I could freeze time things would be better, but its not. 

Then I think about how mad he would be at me for wasting a beautiful day.  Or that I did not enjoy seeing a flower or something pretty.  He would want me to be happy.  He would not want me to sit in some dumb old chair and wait for death.

[LMR]

Loadedsoda. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you will find some comfort from sharing here.

I have remarked to a friend that I am glad I never had any interest in drugs and dont particularly like the taste of alcohol. It would be all too easy to seek oblivion but while it might numb the pain it will still be there. I am crying out for my love every second of the day. It is part of me now, like breathing. 

I too am still in denial. I am still waiting for him to come home. His no longer being makes no sense to me. I see no point to a life without him. Sometimes I am frightened that I won't wake up in the morning. Not for myself but I fear causing this kind of pain to my sister. Yet I feel I might just slip away.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, LOADEDSODA said:

My boyfriend died 8  months ago and my life hasnt been that great ever since. Ive been drunk or high trying to bottle up my emotions and im know im in serious denial of him being dead. Friends have been great, as much as they can be in this situation. 10 years gone down the drain. Everything reminds me of him. Im constantly in my google photos looking at pictures of him.  Thats all i do.  I hadnt moved anything in the apartment since he died. Finally changed the living room around this weekend. The thing is i dont want to have a life without him.  Not in a suicidal way. I just dont see me finding a life better then we had.  Tje greiving is hard but will it ever get better.  

 

Ryan

I am so sorry for your loss.  You ask if it will ever get better...not by drinking, but by learning all you can about grief, seeing a counselor, joining a grief support group, PROCESSING your grief.  Allow yourself to cry your tears & not bottle them up, in so doing, it will aid your processing.  Otherwise it will be waiting for you to deal with for years to come.  No, it's not ten years down the drain, those were years lived, happily, and memories that although they may cause you pain now while your grief is still so fresh, in time they will bring you a smile.  I lost my George suddenly, unexpectedly, we thought we had years left together!  But even though his death brought me pain, I am so glad to have had him in my life, to have experienced love this one time in my life, we truly had something rare and special and we well knew it and appreciated each other.  My hope is beyond this life, in being with him again.  I'm glad I have that faith, belief, hope.

What you make of your life from here is up to you and maybe luck of the draw.  My life has never been the same, it changes us, it changes our lives.  When I lost my "big joy" (as I called him), I learned to look for "little joys", the good that does come my way, no matter how small, nothing too insignificant to count, to acknowledge it, embrace it, be grateful for it.  I started practicing this on day 11 of my journey so I know it can be done.  Am I always great at it?  No!  I'm human.  I have bad days, but I do try to LOOK for good, this has changed me also and helps me to live in the present moment so I don't miss anything good...Lord knows we all need it!
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2013/05/30/learning-how-to-smile-again/

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.