Bad Weekend

[BEQUET93]

Last Thursday evening, I requested to be relieved from going to work. The previous night, I twice nearly fell asleep, which worries me. If someone presents or calls with a crisis, I have to be able to concentrate and focus, so I thought I would take time to try to sleep. I can't be sure, but I would estimate I've had about 12 hours sleep, since Thursday After one sleep, I awoke and briefly did not remember that she is gone. That now familiar ache came back into my arms and legs. My therapist will call me, if she has any cancellations, but, between her already scheduled clients and her holiday vacation, my next session isn't until the 2nd week of January. There is nothing more I can say that I haven't already said to someone, but all I want to do is talk about my mother. Sometimes, I don't think people are really listening. Sometimes, I think I have worn out my welcome to talk to others about it. My body is aching and it feels like my brain is in a bucket of cold water. Given that it was only 5 weeks between diagnosis and death, I am still processing the shock that she had cancer. I know that she is dead and I know that I don't actually hear her, but, she had dry mouth related to her cancer, and I hear how she pronounced my name with that dry mouth. I know feelings of anxiety and guilt are common, but that hasn't helped me worry any less that I didn't help her be as comfortable as she might have been.

In a few hours, I have to be at work, so I thought it would relieve some of the internal pressure to vent. It's distressing, when a 45 year old mama's boy wants to hang out with his mother, but that is an impossibility.

[Hitorichan13]

This hits home with me. My mom was my bestfriend. I could never find words for that momentarily forgetting that they are gone. I get that wanting to talk about your mom but feeling like you shouldn't. I think people get uncomfortable with me talking about my mom. I hope you get some sleep! I'm sure you have a relationship with your therapist but if you don't you should look into some of the online therapy options. I love that I can message my therapist anytime. 

 

My mom also had cancer if you need to talk I'm here. We can share mom stories

[Monty]

Bequet,

Please know that you can always share stories about your Mum with us here. We will read your words. We will hear your stories. We are on this difficult journey with you. Such a heartbreaking journey. 
 

I too have woken up and forgotten for a few seconds what my life is really like. The losses I have experienced. The pain I am in. Then it all comes flooding back like a destructive wave. A wave of sadness. 

[reader]

 Please know that we are with you and we will never tire of hearing about your stories, your feelings, or your struggles. Losing a beloved parent is the worst experience of my life. I was extremely raw. Be kind to yourself and try to get a little bit more sleep. I’m sure your work will understand if you need a day off. I find the first year grief is like a roller coaster and there would be some really bad days and some tolerable ones. But the most important thing is to honour your feelings. Thinking of you