One week

[Rocky5678]

7 days since he died. 

7 days since I lost my best friend

7 days waking up alone

7 days crying until I’m asleep 

 

I have no idea how this happened

 

i received a “grief workbook” from a support group I joined in the mail. I can’t even open it. Just having it in the house makes me sick to my stomach and heartbroken. This is real. This happened. I will never hold him or hear his voice. Never tell him how much I love him. Never feel him pull the covers over my shoulder as I fall asleep. Or see him dancing with out dog. I’ll never hold his had or kiss his cheek again. 
 

I am so lost. The house is so quiet. Movies and music are impossible because we loved those together. 
 

today I am exhausted and tired with grief. My heart is so heavy missing him. 
 

all the plans we had. Goals. Dreams. Hopes. They’re gone. All I have left is a few pictures and memories. And he’s not here. 
 

where do I even begin? How to I build a new life without that love and courage? How do I face each day knowing he’s gone? 
 

how do I survive another week?

[LMR]

Rocky5678. I am so sorry. One week is no time at all. I think I was numb for most of the first week except when I screamed because it made no sense. I still scream. It still makes no sense. Four months along I still dont believe it. 48 years! It wasnt supposed to be over so soon. 

I wish I could tell you how to do this  but I haven't found a way yet. I too cannot listen to our music or watch our DVDs. I spend most of my day staring af the tv, watching shows I have seen 2 or 3 times already. It doesn't matter, it's just distraction. Anything to stop my brain from thinking. The only thing that helps is hugs and this is a terrible time to ask for a hug.

This site is the best we can do right now. The people here care. Keep on coming. It is something to hang on to.

Hugs!

[LoveNeverDies]

I wish I could give you a big hug ! Anniversaries seem to be the hardest, because the days keep moving along, but the pain of losing them is seared in our every thought. It’s almost, for me anyway, that the more time goes by the more that he’s slipping away .. the more that his death seems real.I try to take one day , sometimes one hour at a time. It’s too painful to think about the future without him, but I’m grateful that he brought so much happiness, laughter and joy to my life and nothing could ever take that away. 

[Lars M]

Rocky5678. 

You stated where do I begin? You begin be doing the very most basic needs to keep you going don't forget to eat try to sleep and come here and write. You will not remember any of this time in a month anyway you are in auto pilot right now. I was convinced to could not make it with out my wife of 30 years I woke up next to her 10,950 times that's a lot. There are great people here that are willing to help you and speak from their heart. It has only been 6 months for me and I am now where I need to be but I do believe now it will come in time because I am better than I was last week and so on. I pray for a smooth journey for you.   

[SharedLife]

Rocky, I'm sorry for your loss and what you're experiencing. Virtually everybody here has suffered the same things as you, and understands what you're going through. Talking about it helps.  Consider posting here, or talk to a grief counselor, or look for a grief group.  The grief may never go away but it will become less painful. You must endure. Try to find something else to focus on, even if only for awhile. Nourishment is important. For me, I've learned I can't allow myself to concentrate on her death.  Recounting memories can also be difficult for me.  You'll have to discover what works for you, what helps minimize the pain.

[Missy1]

@Rocky5678 Your loss is fresh, your are most likely in shock and emotionally very fragile. Try to take care of yourself, eat and sleep and breathe. Is so overwhelming in the first few weeks, it can feel unbelievably painful and unreal. I can’t believe it’s 11 months for me, I still cry every day and feel the loneliness of each day deep inside my body and soul. 
This is a great place to find some peaceful understanding people who truly can relate to to the depth of the loss of a partner. They were the foundation, together we bonded with this special person. Now we are left, torn and forever changed.

Don’t try to take on to much, they say to refrain from making big decisions in the first year. Let yourself grieve and give yourself what  you need th get through this. Reach out to anyone who may help you, even if it just to text, try not to isolate yourself. 

[Rocky5678]

 It’s just overwhelming to have such a breakdown. 

 

My appetite hasn’t returned, but I was glad for the nausea to be gone. Yesterday was such a hard day to get thru. And just like that I’m sick to my stomach again. 

 

I’ve never felt anything like this before. I’m discouraged because it feels like a step back. I’m not expecting to feel ok or normal or heal in a week, but it feels like the small progress that was made is gone. 

 

How many more times will I be shocked back to step one? How many more kicks in the gut when I wake up and he’s not there? 

 

How hard will it been when a month is gone? I’m scared to walk this life without my best friend and greatest comfort. He was my home. My heart. My happiness. I love him so much. I miss him so much. 

[LoveNeverDies]

I feel the same . I’m so lonely without him sometimes it’s just unbearable and I wish I could end this pain. But I think of my kids and them going through the deep emotional pain that I’m feeling. I have no appetite either I just force myself to eat something everyday. I wish there was something I could do or say that would make you feel better, but I know there isn’t. Just know that you’re not alone. Hugs

[KayC]

Rocky, no one can tell you how to do this, this is your unique journey and you'll figure it out your way.  We can tell you what we've learned, what's helped us, but it's all up to you, and it won't likely happen in leaps & bounds or all at once.  One day at a time.  Remember to breathe.  Eat something.  If you can't stand the thought of food, try a smoothie.  Do hydrate.  (((hugs)))

[LMR]

For me it is not just how I miss him every moment of the day, nor the overwhelming pain or the loneliness. Its that I can't understand how this can be real. I don't do a very good job of explaining just how bad this is but if you said a spaceship just landed outside it would be so much easier to believe.

[Sparky1]

9 hours ago, LMR said:

For me it is not just how I miss him every moment of the day, nor the overwhelming pain or the loneliness. Its that I can't understand how this can be real. I don't do a very good job of explaining just how bad this is but if you said a spaceship just landed outside it would be so much easier to believe.

I get the same feeling of it not being real. I still feel that my wife is alive and that she'll show up any minute. I l know that she won't, but that's what hurts the most. It seems like it can't be happening to me and that it must be a nightmare. I wish it was and that I would wake up and everything would be okay.

[Rocky5678]

17 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

I get the same feeling of it not being real. I still feel that my wife is alive and that she'll show up any minute. I l know that she won't, but that's what hurts the most. It seems like it can't be happening to me and that it must be a nightmare. I wish it was and that I would wake up and everything would be okay.

Ive gone thru so much mental acrobatics trying to explain how this isn't real. My hopes were crushed when I was given the ring that he was wearing when he went in the ambulance. His father just died in the same hospital 4 days before and had the same name. It was easy to convince myself that they called about the wrong one. That he's just in the hospital and we were accidentally notified again about his dad. But the ring is here. And I know he's gone. It was a whole separate blow. 

[CatL]

I wish I had my husbands wedding ring. Nobody has found it, not the hospital, not the ambulance, and not the rehab center. I want that ring back, but nobody knows where it is.

How do you get thru? One slow day at a time. For me, I had to get up and take care of dogs every day, so I had/have to get up every day. And every day I find myself talking to him, as if he's there, talking to his picture, as if its him. It helps me keep my sanity. For me the nights are the hardest, sleeping alone. I still find myself crying at night because I miss him. I keep his picture by the bed to talk to. Some nights I walk the house because of loneliness. I'm often up until midnight, 2 AM because I can't sleep.

It was about 6 months before I could even watch "our" tv shows I had taped. I remind myself DH would have wanted me to live. And so I do.  It took me that 6 months just to get to taking care of myself -ie. making my doctor appointments. But I remind myself, DH would want me to live, to keep going on. So I do.

It took me months to figure out I needed a schedule, both daily and weekly. For me that helps.

How do you make it, slowly. You find what works for you. For me, it was making a schedule. Alarms to get up, reminders to do what needs to be done, alarm to go walk the dogs, Tuesday is grocery shopping day, etc.  You just figure it out by trial and error, and hopefully with help from whomever, even this group.

DH wanted me to live, so I do.

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  Did the hospital lose his ring?  That is horrible!  I had someone steal the ring I gave my husband for a wedding present.  I wanted it back too, not for the value/$ but because of what it meant to us.  I know who took it, but can't prove it, I wish I'd realized earlier than I did when I reported it but my head was in a fog, we all know how that is!  

I hope you talk to your doctor about your sleep issues.  Mine offered a Rx but I declined because I thought it a temporary solution to a permanent problem, after all, he wasn't coming back.  Looking back I realize I simply made it harder on myself, it's hard to function without sleep, we need it.  I did finally, after years, accept the doctor's offer, and am so thankful for it, it hurts our health as well as our brain when we don't get enough sleep.  Esp. over a long period of time.

[CatL]

KayC, nobody knows what happened to the ring, or at least nobody is saying. Like you, its about what it means to me.

Since its just me and dogs, I may not get to sleep until early in the morning, but I do allow myself to sleep until 9-10 AM, so I do get sleep, just odd hours. But that's just it, we have to do what works for us. If I find myself tired, I'll take a nap. I have to take care of myself.

Its not easy. The old way of doing things may not work for us anymore, or at least not yet. And we just have to figure out what works for us as an individual. I know I joined a cooking for one facebook page because I was so used to cooking for more than just me. Cooking for one has been quite a learning process. But at least I'm not throwing out food because I was cooking for 4 anymore. Its new, its different, but I have to do it to take care of me. And after being a caregiver that's a hard one to process.

[KayC]

@CatL  I'm so glad you are doing that, it took me years to learn I needed to value myself, just me, and take care of myself, I was just as worthy & deserving of it as anyone.  For so long my purpose had been taking care of my family, then George & I took care of each other, but now, it's just me.  I've learned to freeze portions too if something is too much, I don't mind leftovers but you can't eat them every day for a week, they'll go bad, AND get tiring!

[Sparky1]

My wife and I bought a professional vacuum sealer earlier this year and sealed a bunch of steaks, ground beef, burgers, etc. The portions were enough for her and I, and maybe a little left over for lunch. Now, it's painful when I take out some of them for dinner because it reminds that she won't be eating with me. I just make the food and eat the rest the next day. She'd always ask me what I wanted for dinner when I'd call her from work and I'd say to her, whatever you make I will eat. She'd get upset sometimes because of my indecisiveness, but now that I'm alone I realize that it's not easy deciding what to take out for dinner. I miss the strength that she had.

[LoveNeverDies]

Sparky, I feel the same way when I look in the freezer or cabinet and see something I bought for him, it hurts .It’s so hard doing the simple things, I can’t watch TV shows that we used to watch.. it just brings me to tears, thinking about how good life was when he was here and now he’s not and never will be .

[CatL]

LoveNeverDies, I still haven't been able to go thru my husbands things. I just can't. And I'm okay with that. I've had those people that just don't understand why I can't, and I don't care what they think. They're not me, this isn't their life, they didn't lose their spouse. I still have tv shows I taped while he was in the hospital, and I just can't watch them yet. I'll get there, but until then, I have to do what's right for me.

I've become more militant since losing my husband, but I'm the one left. I've learned to stand up for myself and what I need in a way I guess people don't expect or understand. They haven't gone thru this. They don't understand, they just don't.

[Rocky5678]

1 hour ago, Sparky1 said:

My wife and I bought a professional vacuum sealer earlier this year and sealed a bunch of steaks, ground beef, burgers, etc. The portions were enough for her and I, and maybe a little left over for lunch. Now, it's painful when I take out some of them for dinner because it reminds that she won't be eating with me. I just make the food and eat the rest the next day. She'd always ask me what I wanted for dinner when I'd call her from work and I'd say to her, whatever you make I will eat. She'd get upset sometimes because of my indecisiveness, but now that I'm alone I realize that it's not easy deciding what to take out for dinner. I miss the strength that she had.

I couldn't decide what kind of pasta to make today. So I made two sauces. A red and a green. And I carried both bowls like I would have if he were here. And picked between them both like we would have different dishes in a restaurant. Cooking portions for 1 are especially hard. We would make a huge pot of chili for the week. Now that would be too much food and I could never eat it all. 

I miss him so badly. 16 days. 

[KayC]

I think we do well just to breathe in early loss, this is the hardest journey of our lives.

[foreverhis]

On 12/12/2020 at 9:59 AM, Rocky5678 said:

where do I even begin? How to I build a new life without that love and courage? How do I face each day knowing he’s gone? 
 

how do I survive another week?

 

On 12/13/2020 at 10:42 AM, Rocky5678 said:

I’ve never felt anything like this before. I’m discouraged because it feels like a step back. I’m not expecting to feel ok or normal or heal in a week, but it feels like the small progress that was made is gone. 

 

How many more times will I be shocked back to step one? How many more kicks in the gut when I wake up and he’s not there? 

 

How hard will it been when a month is gone? I’m scared to walk this life without my best friend and greatest comfort. He was my home. My heart. My happiness. I love him so much. I miss him so much. 

Welcome Rocky.  I so wish none of us had to be here, but you have found a very good place to be.

I fear you may not like my answers to these questions.  I don't mean to scare you and I do want to offer hope, being more than 2 years down the road myself now.

How you face each day for now and the foreseeable future is by getting out of bed, putting on some clothes, and just breathing.  It is much too soon for you to think about doing anything besides what is absolutely essential for today.  Please, I urge you to try to put all thoughts of "the rest of your life" out of your mind as much as possible.  You must, absolutely must grieve the loss of the life you two had before you even consider moving forward (not moving on--we do not move on or "get over it").  If anyone nags you about that, it is their problem and not yours.  This is going to be your grief journey and yours alone.  Try to remain in the present, as painful as that is, because looking to the future right now will be overwhelming.

How you survive another week and the week after that and the months ahead is also by telling yourself that you can deal with today, just today.  At first, it often seemed that I could only focus on getting through a few hours at a time.  Even now, I do not look far down the road, but I can now look at the very near future.  I tell myself that not only can I do today, but I have plans for tomorrow or next week.  I couldn't even tell you when my thoughts about time started to shift because it's been so gradual.  I'm talking months and now into years.  Our grief journeys are unique, but none of them are fast or easy.  How can they be?  We lost our one essential love, our soulmate, our best friend.  We feel weak and often seem to drift because the one person we could always go to who would be there for the best and the worst is the one who is missing.  But over time, we learn to adjust and to carry our love and our grief, instead of having our grief and pain crush us under its weight.  For me, it will never be light or easy, but it is lighter and just a little easier now.

Of course you've never felt like this before.  This loss is like no other and no one who hasn't experienced it can truly understand.  To be honest, I'd be shocked if you made any real steps forward so soon, while your loss is so raw, so new, and so all-encompassing.  It might have felt like that because you were doing your best to "hold it together," but could only do that for so long.  Grief simply will not be denied, no matter how much we try to push it back.

There is no answer for how many times you will be pushed back a step or two.  In part it's because we are each unique in how we go along.  For me, it started with two tiny steps forward, one step back for months.  Then it became and has remained, at least so far, one step forward slowly and carefully with twists and turns and unexpected hills to climb.  Sometimes, yes I do have little u-turns if something hits me particularly hard (like special days or certain activities or even just thoughts of our life together and all the years more we should have had).  But the road does have bright spots now and I am able to grab onto many of them.  I no longer feel every smile or laugh is a betrayal of him and our love.

I also cannot tell you exactly when the stab in the heart I felt every morning started to fade until now it's just a tiny pinprick most days.  For months, there was that moment between sleep and waking when my heart and mind would forget.  I'd expect him to be there, warm and cozy and mine.  So every day that moment hurt, over and over, because it is in sleep that we can sometimes take ourselves back to our loves.  In time, I learned to accept the reality of him being gone from this world.  Just that--just that he is gone; not that it was right or fair or just because it wasn't and it never will be.  With that acceptance, the raw edges of my grief have softened.  It's not that I miss him any less, of course not, but am able to bring all of our 37 years (counting from the day I first saw him and my heart melted) into my mind's eye.  At first, all I could see and remember were the last unbearably difficult months, weeks, and his final day.

And about sleeping and/or anxiety.  If it's right for you and your doctor offers it, please accept medication to help.  I fought against it at first because I already have to take a number of medications from time to time for my medical conditions.  My doctor, who is not a pill pusher, looked me in the eye and firmly said, "I prescribe these medications for you for a reason.  Take them!"  I'm glad I did.  A small amount of alprazolam has proven to be incredibly helpful.  A tiny dose during the day, which I need infrequently now, and a moderate dose for sleep, so that I can actually get restorative sleep most nights, not enough of it, but much more than at first.  There's no shame, none at all, in admitting we need all kinds of help.  I still take and may always need a low dose of an anti-depressant that has few side effects for me and that helps even out my erratic down swings.

Blunt truth:  It will be just as hard in a month as it is now.  This is a long, slow journey.  You must allow yourself the time you need to process what happened, to accept the reality, and only then should you even consider how to move forward.  But two things you should know:  Our grief does not stay the same.  It evolves and becomes easier to bear, at least for most of us.  I'm talking about months and years, not days or weeks.  And being here with others who get it and who do not judge or tell me what to do, feel, or think has helped immensely.

Every one of us here know exactly what you mean when you say he was your heart, your happiness, and your home.  I love and miss my husband every minute of every day and I always will.  But I am learning to cope with the loss of him for now.  My husband and I had walked away from the specific denominations of our upbringing, but we never lost faith that there is something more, something mysterious and just out of our grasp, and that the something is wonderful.  It's not like "He's in a better place" (no, better would be him healthy and by my side) or any of the religious cliches some people use like, "God must have needed an angel" ("Excuse me while my pacifist self lets my angry self punch you in the nose").  But that doesn't mean some place wonderful doesn't exist.  People can call it heaven or nirvana; it doesn't matter to me.  When my time comes, I will call it being home again because I will be with him.

One final thing for now.  Please keep coming her to talk, question, rant, and even "scream."  When you are here, you will never be alone--never.

[steveb]

Foreverhis .,, thank you for the insightful, beautifully written, and thought provoking post. 

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, steveb said:

Foreverhis .,, thank you for the insightful, beautifully written, and thought provoking post. 

Thank you for your lovely compliment.  One of the reasons I keep coming here is that I have been helped so much by everyone, some who are further along the journey and others who are walking their own paths, but with me side by side.  Now that I'm 2-1/2 years into my own grieving, I want to help if I can.  There are usually so few people in our lives who can truly understand.  We so often have to deal with society, even friends and family, who are uncomfortable around us as a tangible reminder of how fragile and precious life is. 

Finding this forum during a time I was floundering around feeling lost, hopeless, and confused almost literally saved my life.  I'm not comfortable in an in-person group setting, so being here has been exactly what I needed.