The waves of grief

[JohnS]

It's been 16 very long, sad, difficult days since Diane passed. Wednesday her sister and I had a "productive" day at Diane's apartment distributing some of her things. Looks like most of the furniture is spoken for, and I think we might be able to finish with the apartment by the end of December, which is a relief. But a few times I broke down as I watched some of her things leave the apartment with family and friends. I was happy to have these things find new homes, but the emotions overtook me. Got home Wednesday night feeling "okay". But yesterday, Thursday, was one of those awful days I've read about. Crawled back into bed at 10:30 am and stayed there for 3 hours, not sleeping, just unable to do anything else. The rest of the day was just watching light-hearted TV. Just a horrible day. Today, that wave of grief subsided and I have been able to get some things done, and a few phone calls got emotional but they helped. Right now I'm sorting a small selection of photos to give to her sister and a few other family members. I hope they help. Helps me just to do it. I'm still not able to get back to playing music or singing - not ready. May take till January to find my way back to my passion. I guess my point, for whatever it's worth, is that, just as some of the online resources suggest, the grief does come and go in waves. Just as yesterday was really bad, today is more tolerable. I know more of both of those kinds of days will come, but I'll be grateful for those occasional days when I am able to function. To others dealing with this, have hope that some days will not be as bad.

[SharedLife]

I'm sorry for your loss, John. I'm beginning to think the waves may be around for some time...I've experienced ups and downs and I believe it's going to be that way, for me, for awhile.

[JohnS]

SharedLife, yeah, that's what I've read. It's gonna take a long time. Having been with Diane for 29 years, that's a lot of history to somehow work through into the future. Obviously, her passing the day before Thanksgiving really does a number of this year's holidays and, I anticipate, will affect future Thanksgivings and Christmases forever.

[jmmosley53]

Hi JohnS,

I am very sorry for your loss.  Please give yourself time to grieve.  Don't try to rush through distributing your beloved's things.  Box them up - in a few months you may want to see them again.  You can't erase the pain by removing all the reminders of her.  You can always distribute her things later. 

It has been 8 months since my husbands death and I still have days were I just can't think - I can't do anything but cry.  From reading posts here I have come to know that it is not unusual to have there waves of grief that cripple you with the pain of your loss.  

Someone told me don't try to stop the tears, he was worth shedding tears over.

[JohnS]

jmmosley53 - thanks. I know the time to grieve will stretch on for a long time. In terms of her things, neither her sister nor I have room to hang some of the nice paintings and wall hangings - I did take one, which hangs in my guestroom now. But there's so much that we can't take it all. And her furniture, much of which she bought 3 years ago for her new apartment - we don't need or have room. But her sister found a family of not many means that is very appreciative to take the furniture, which gives me a source of consolation. But when it leaves, probably tomorrow, it will ignite emotions. My girlfriend collected teddy bears, and I've taken a number of those that meant something to me. Plus some other things of hers. And delaying the inevitable won't serve either her sister or me. With $2,150 a month rent. It's just hard to watch her apartment slowly empty. In a way, it's less and less Diane's apartment each day, and it feels less and less like she's still there, which it sure did when we first entered the apartment after she died. I do appreciate your input, and I think I have the keepsakes (probably too many) to remind me of her, but, frankly, I'm anxious to finish this work and say goodbye to her apartment. I've still got lots to do at my home trying to sort through all of her bank statements, etc. to help her sister, who is worried that we'll miss something important. My career taught me to read documents and make order out of disorder - spreadsheets are my friend - so I'm trying to figure all that out to help her sister. It is what it is, and I have no illusions about moving past the grief phase anytime soon. But I appreciate your responding. Best wishes to you as you make your own journey through what is still a very fresh loss and tender wound.

[KayC]

You've been given good advice here...there IS a lot to do when they die, but it doesn't all have to be today.  We can take some time with their belongings, keep what brings you comfort.  Once it's all gone, it can't be reversed and right now you could be in a fog.  I was for well over a year or two!  It took me probably three years to process my grief, longer yet to find purpose, and more yet to build a life I could live.  Then COVID came and shot all that down.  Hoping next year is better than 2020...Lord knows the bar is set low.

 

[foreverhis]

On 12/11/2020 at 12:48 PM, SharedLife said:

I'm sorry for your loss, John. I'm beginning to think the waves may be around for some time...

Yes, for me they are still there.  But as time goes by, they're not the tsunamis they were in the first year or more.  They do not come as often, but they do wash over me at unexpected (and expected) times.  A song, a date, the smell of his favorite peaches, or really just about any little trigger can bring a wave.  I've learned not to fight them, much like it's not a good idea to fight against a rip current in the ocean.  I allow myself the freedom and time to feel them break over my heart.

On 12/11/2020 at 11:47 AM, JohnS said:

Just as yesterday was really bad, today is more tolerable. I know more of both of those kinds of days will come, but I'll be grateful for those occasional days when I am able to function.

IMO, that's exactly the right way to think about it.  I have learned to take little times of joy and embrace them.  I no longer feel every smile or laugh is a betrayal of his memory or our love.  Any day I can get "something" accomplished, I consider it a win.

There's a show I quoted a while back with a character who lost his wife and child.  One of the things he explains to his friends and colleagues is "There are bad days, good days. And bloody awful days." because they're not understanding his behavior.  I can tell you that for me, time has helped.  My grief is evolving into something I can live with as I slowly move forward into this new life without my one essential love by my side.  I'll never "get over it" or "move on" past it; it doesn't work that way.  It is a wound that will never completely heal.  Yet bit by painful bit I am growing stronger.

[KayC]

Beautifully stated...and very apt.

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

Beautifully stated...and very apt.

Thanks, Kay.  Part of what's helped me get to where I am is being able to be here and talk to people who understand me.  Another part, also in being here, is how supportive you and others who are further along the path have been.  Even the tiniest bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, I would be able to start moving forward some day helped me not give up, not stay in the dark pit forever in those early months.  I'm not sure you know how meaningful it was just to have you respond with compassion and "Been there. Done that. I hope I can help."  It really matters and is one reason I'm still here, a little further down the road now so that I can look back and see where I was and where I am.  If I can convince just one new member to not give up, then I'll feel like I am starting to "pay it forward."

[KayC]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

If I can convince just one new member to not give up, then I'll feel like I am starting to "pay it forward."

As I often say to your posts, Amen to all that!!!