Only Child Sudden Loss of Father

[Ersie83]

New to the group/site. I lost my father 11/15/20 to a heart attack (no cardiac issues were known so this was quite a shock). 

I am an only child who is incredibly close to my mother and was incredibly close to my father. I have a young son and am working full time.

Any advice from anyone on how to navigate through your own grief while also caring for others? As an only child, I feel responsible for now protecting my mother particularly because i am now all that she has. Seeing her unravel and just so lost makes me grieve even worse. Any tips on how to be strong so that I can care for everyone while also allowing myself time to grieve? 

[AlisonC]

I’m going through pretty much the exact same as you. 
My Mum died suddenly from a heart attack  on the 22nd November. 
I have 3 older brothers but they are not local, they are all a good few hours drive away. 
So really I’m on my own to deal with everything including taking on my Dads grief. 
Fortunately my Son is 18, so I don’t have the added pressure of a young child to cope with too. 
I swear, I feel your pain. 3 weeks later and I am still distraught with grief, to the point it’s unbearable. Like you, I was VERY close to my parents and losing my Mum has been like sheer hell. 
I have no advice for you but I can say in confidence that I understand what you’re going through. 
Thinking of you x

[Ersie83]

i am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum- i do agree with you that our situations are similar and you used the same word i have used to friends to describe the pain- unbearable. I hope you find some comfort and relief especially as we are approaching the holidays. Take care and thank you for your support. I hate to hear of your pain but it makes me feel more “normal” to learn that i’m not isolated and others feel the same way 

 

[Monty]

Hi Ersie,

I lost my Mum suddenly to a brain aneurysm 4 years ago. I know first hand the pain you are going through. My Dad was shattered and I had to support him as he grieved the loss of his beloved he had been married to for 42 years. It was so difficult watching him in so much pain. I too had young children at the time. My children were aged 1 and 4. I think I did not have time to grieve properly and now my Dad has died I have been hit doubly hard. My Mum’s clothes still hang in the wardrobe and now we have the daunting task of sorting through their home and belongings. 
I am lucky that I have siblings but we all grieve in different ways which comes with its own challenges. 

If you can try and find some time for you to just be with your thoughts. I know this is extremely difficult when you work and have a young child but even if it is just a 15 minute walk around the block by yourself. Most importantly be kind to yourself. You are caring for your Mum and son. You need to care for yourself too. 

[Ersie83]

thank you so much monty. very kind and wise words and advice. i am so sorry to hear about your parents- i hope that you and your siblings and the rest of the family can be a good support system to one another and get through what i know must be such a difficult time. 

i took your advice and for the first time today i took 15 minutes to myself. i know that sounds silly since it’s so little time but with a very active young 3 year old boy it is all i can really manage and it really did make a world of difference. for a while i was not grieving in front of my son but have been recently so he also knows it’s okay to be sad. it is so difficult to care for others while also trying to do it for yourself. thank you so much for your support and reply- it is truly appreciated 

[Monty]

I also tried to hide my grief from my children but they can see right through it. I try to put on a brave face as much as I can but that is draining. I think grief is a part of life so it is important for them to see me grieve too. I was crying yesterday and my son saw me and just ran up to me and hugged me and said ‘I miss Pa too’.