Lost my husband

[Suzanne M]

Lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago in a tragic accident. It was an accident but was also deemed a murder because he was run over by a carjacker. The myriad of events surrounded his death have been overwhelming. But oddly, the more things get settled, i.e. settlements, probate, criminal sentencing the harder excepting his death actually gets. I assume its because my mind is actually too busy worrying about everything else. Now I just feel really sad, lonely, and lost. I'm 53 years old and not interested in having another relationship. I have 4 grown children, but 2 still live with me. They are however, making plans to move out. I have no extended family where I am, as they all live in another state. I'm terrified about the loneliness I'm about to face. Anyway, just thoughts. My philosophy in life is usually keep going, keep doing, stay strong. But lately I sometimes feel like giving up. I know its because I miss him and the life we had. I miss having plans for the future. 

[SharedLife]

I'm sorry for your loss, Suzanne. I imagine that all the legal stuff has kept you very busy--and your attention focused on that, and I imagine you're correct in figuring you'll soon start feeling more of the effects of his loss. I have two grown children I seldom see (one lives in another state, one works 12-hour shifts, and then there's the coronavirus). It's lonely. During non-pandemic times, things like seniors (or recreational) groups might be an option. Check to see if there's a seniors' center in your area. But in today's world, you'll have to give thought to how to keep yourself busy and occupied. IMHO, you can't allow yourself to be idle--that's when sadness will overtake you.  Hobbies? Interests?

[Diane R. E.]

Yes Suzanne, we are not only grieving the loss of our partner, but also loss of the future we envisioned. The more time that passes, the more I miss my husband. But it does help to keep busy. Since we didn't have a memorial for my husband at the time, I am working on a video to celebrate his life when we do have the memorial. (Time dictated by Covid 19.) I'm also able to go for a walk outside every day, as we moved from MN to AZ where the weather is so much warmer. I'm so sorry for your loss and the tragic way it happened. Everyone on this site is so supportive, so I hope you visit it often - it has really helped me.

[Suzanne M]

So sorry for your loss. That's a very beautiful idea, a memorial video. I haven't been able to do that yet. I definitely stay busy. I feel for sure, that Covid has made all of this loneliness much worse. I am in the process of sorting out my life, deciding what I'm going to do with it, and finding a purpose. Thanks to everyone for the kind, encouraging words. :)

[KayC]

On 12/10/2020 at 8:46 AM, Suzanne M said:

Lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago in a tragic accident. It was an accident but was also deemed a murder because he was run over by a carjacker. The myriad of events surrounded his death have been overwhelming. But oddly, the more things get settled, i.e. settlements, probate, criminal sentencing the harder excepting his death actually gets. I assume its because my mind is actually too busy worrying about everything else. Now I just feel really sad, lonely, and lost. I'm 53 years old and not interested in having another relationship. I have 4 grown children, but 2 still live with me. They are however, making plans to move out. I have no extended family where I am, as they all live in another state. I'm terrified about the loneliness I'm about to face. Anyway, just thoughts. My philosophy in life is usually keep going, keep doing, stay strong. But lately I sometimes feel like giving up. I know its because I miss him and the life we had. I miss having plans for the future. 

Wow, to lose your husband is hard enough, but the circumstances add to it, I am so sorry.  I was 52 when my husband suddenly died unexpectedly, we thought we'd grow old together!  I'm still left with the porch swing to grow old together on, now there's just me.  I had a cat take it over, now even they are gone.

My kids were young adults when George died, my daughter came home for a while but my son was in the Air Force, then college, then married, neither of them live near me.

It's been 15 1/2 years since he died.  I hear you about keeping going, this year has been tough with the pandemic thrown in and unable to visit friends and do usual activities.  I'm 68 and growing old alone.  I understand your feelings of wanting to give up.  I think I would have but what choice do we have but to do our best with it?  In my family we live well into our 90s.  I can't look at the whole "rest of my life," it's too much, I take one day at a time, even still, it's enough.

Can't remember if I gave you this or not, it's the things that I've found helpful, some right away, some much later on in my journey.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Suzanne M]

I'm so sorry for your loss. That sounds so long and empty. You are a very strong woman. I appreciate all the tips. I do realize that this pandemic has worsened things. Just life changes in general make you realize how long this road will be. Taking things one day at a time is good advice, I have a hard time with that. I am a big picture kind of person. I like to know what is ahead. Lol. My husband was the funniest, happiest person I've ever known. So I try to keep humor going in my life, no matter how sad I am. It helps to realize things don't always have to be doom and gloom. We will always love them, always miss them, but life does have to go on. They would want us to be happy. Thank you for all your kind, helpful words. I hope this writing finds you happy and healthy. 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Suzanne M said:

I like to know what is ahead.

I am also a planner, but sometimes we can handle only so much, esp. in such a loss as this!  I lost my husband, George, parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousin, sister, many pets, friends, more recently my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, to cancer, and my 25 year old Kitty.  It all but finished me off.  We get through this because we have no choice.  I still face hardships, alone, always alone, but I try to deal with it.  What choice do we have?

This is the one place where people "get it."  My family does not as they still have their spouses to go through life with, makes a big difference!  They can't possibly understand.  They soon think you're "okay" but we all know better.  Got to get to the other side, I long for that reunification!