Not moving on ...

[Coops29]

It has been 7 months since losing my beloved partner of 30 happy years  . I have tried to get on with life including going back to work but I feel like a robot just going through the motions. . I come home to an empty house and just fall apart. My life is unbearable without my beloved Don and I do not seem to be getting any better dealing with my grief. I spend most evenings sobbing into pictures of him to the point where it is unbearable pain. I used to be a happy and relaxed person but now I am permanently sad and feel anxious all the time especially about the future . I do not want to live my life without him here and everything just seems pointless as all I see is a miserable lonely life ahead of me. I have 2 daughters however one of these has brain cancer and on limited time. What have I ever done to deserve all this pain and misery. I just want to turn the clock back to happier times when all my beloved were well and I can hug my man again. 

 

[Diane R. E.]

I am so very sorry for your loss! My husband of 37 years passed away just 2 months ago, so I'm afraid I'm not a lot of help. But everyone on this site is so supportive and understand the grief we are going through. There is a lot of helpful information on other posts, so I encourage to read them. Others will also give you their words of wisdom on this thread. We would like to know more about your partner too, when you feel ready to share. I wish you some small measure of comfort. 

[SharedLife]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.  My wife passed away in June. I'm still an emotional mess. Looking at pictures is also painful for me. It makes me miss the good times we had together, shared experiences, laughter.  I've found it helpful to try to keep myself occupied and to only occasionally look at the pictures. I didn't think I'd want to see a grief counselor but I've decided to look for one. You've been dealt a terrible emotional blow -- and it sounds as though you may be dealt another one.  Please know that you're not alone.

[Gail 8588]

Coops29, 

I am so very sorry for your loss and for your daughter's illness.  It does feel like we are really going through too much. Loss of your true love is unbearably hard by itself. Your daughter's situation is tragic as well. And all of it is shrouded in the pandemic and all its limitations. 

I was a zombie for the first year barely going through the motions of living. 

My heart goes out to you as you try to be supportive of your daughter when you are already lost in grief. 

One day at a time may feel overwhelming. You may need to focus on one hour or just a few minutes at a time. 

I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. 

Gail

[Meloncholy]

It has been 7 months since losing my beloved partner of 30 happy years  . I have tried to get on with life including going back to work but I feel like a robot just going through the motions. . I come home to an empty house and just fall apart. My life is unbearable without my beloved Don and I do not seem to be getting any better dealing with my grief. I spend most evenings sobbing into pictures of him to the point where it is unbearable pain. I used to be a happy and relaxed person but now I am permanently sad and feel anxious all the time especially about the future . I do not want to live my life without him here and everything just seems pointless as all I see is a miserable lonely life ahead of me. I have 2 daughters however one of these has brain cancer and on limited time. What have I ever done to deserve all this pain and misery. I just want to turn the clock back to happier times when all my beloved were well and I can hug my man again. 
 

I am so sorry! I lost my husband of 23 years August 5 and it is so hard to be alone in our home without him. Prayers we will find peace in time!


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[KayC]

@Coops29  I am so sorry to hear you too are going through this hell none of us wanted.  My husband was barely 52 when he unexpectedly died, leaving me in shock and it forever changed me and my life.  You are still early in your grief, at that time I was still in shock and numbness, grief/brain fog.  It took me years to process his death, years more to find purpose, and years more yet to build a life I could do.  Then came COVID and upchucked all that!  Still, I'm here and continue...

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Coops29 said:

I have 2 daughters however one of these has brain cancer and on limited time.

I am so sorry!!  The answer to your question is, "Nothing.  No one deserves this!"  We want to be here for you as you go through everything, if you wish us to.  I realize these "tips" may ring hollow to you, but please hang onto this list..not in any particular order, just thrown out there as points for consideration.  Right now nothing may hit you but later on in your journey one may speak to you and help you.  This is a long journey, the rest of our lives, and it will evolve, each person's timetable unique to them, as are our ways of coping.  We want to be supportive of you in however you make your way through this.  

[Coops29]

Kay C 

Thank you and everybody else who replied to my message. I have read your article before and I know all the things you quote are the right things but for me it does not help I'm afraid. My poor Don was taken a week before his 52nd birthday having fought the horrid cancer for 18 months. We thought he had won the battle when he had a 10 hour operation last year but that was not to be as it took over and ravished him. I cared for him till the end and he died in our bed next to me. I wander round looking for him and still cannot accept my life without him. I know it is going to be a long journey but i'm not sure it is one I want to take on my own. I feel so lonely and lost without him by my side as we id everything together for 30 years. 

[Maria_PI]

Coops29, I am so sorry for what you are going through! No one deserves any of this! I hope you find support and consolation from other family members and friends, although nothing and nobody can replace the loss of a partner and soulmate. I don't know about "moving on" in these circumstances, but I hope you find the strength to go through it. I know that as a caregiver one doesn't find time or even thought of taking care of themselves, but for what it's worth, please ask for help when you feel you can't do it on your own. (((Hugs)))

[KayC]

I too have been a long term caregiver (not for my husband, he died suddenly, just after turning 51) for my sweet MIL when she was bedridden witth cancer the last three years of her life.  I hope this helps some...

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/10/in-grief-after-caregiving-ends-who-am-i.html

 

[Coops29]

On 12/10/2020 at 12:17 AM, Diane R. E. said:

I am so very sorry for your loss! My husband of 37 years passed away just 2 months ago, so I'm afraid I'm not a lot of help. But everyone on this site is so supportive and understand the grief we are going through. There is a lot of helpful information on other posts, so I encourage to read them. Others will also give you their words of wisdom on this thread. We would like to know more about your partner too, when you feel ready to share. I wish you some small measure of comfort. 

Thank you and I know that you must be feeling so heartbroken at this horrid time. You are so new in your grief and i really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. 

I hope you have a good support around you and family to help you through. 

My partner was 51 and passed a week before his 52nd birthday. He was a good strong gentle man and we had 30 good years together. He would have done anything for me and I miss him being there when I get home from work and he had cooked a lovely dinner and he was dancing round the kitchen. He used to make me laugh all the time and i just miss his big strong arms around me. MY life is so empty without him as must be yours. It is so hard to face each day and not have a future to look forward to . I hope this will pass and I can find some peace as I hope you will to.