Letting Go

[SadRN]

Having a tough week. I was out to dinner with my husband for our anniversary when I suddenly remembered how my father had to learn he had extensive metastatic cancer by himself (and I started crying out of nowhere). When the neurologist sat me down to review all of the tests and gave me the news I lost it. My mother was out of town and my husband was at home with my son. There was no one else, and I could not go in the room and watch my father get this news. I cried and cried. How could I have left him alone for this? I feel so bad. I spent the night at the hospital that night with him and came every morning very early to be there when the doctors came in so I could be there when the pathology report came back (although we didn't get it until after he died). I know I can't go back and change it now, but it haunts me. He must have felt so very alone.

[rlolheiser]

Your right, we can't change things, and my heart feels for you. Maybe your dad had to hear this new alone so he could deal with it in his way. You were still there for him, there just isn't much more anybody can ask for. If you would have been in the room, maybe he couldn't have handled your pain and his. For your own sanity you have to let your guilt go.. we all have guilts of feeling we failed our loved ones.. but what is, is. As diffic ult as it was you spent time .with your dad, be glad you had the opportunity. I remember the days I spent watching my father die... the agony and the tears we both shed, but I got to be with him, where others didn't. I wish for you peace.

[dizzydancingway]

When my mom first passed away, I would cry almost every time I went grocery shopping. That was a time that I always called her. The pain washes over at so many random moments, but I'm starting to feel like I have more control. I don't think you should feel so guilty, though. You loved your dad and I'm sure he knew that. When my mom had cancer, a lot of the details she kept to herself...I think she felt like she was protecting us by keeping us somewhat uninvolved. It might be a good thing that you weren't there. It sounds like you really loved your dad and it also sounds like he knew, if by your actions alone.