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Suicide of an adult child


NightWitch

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My 30 year old shot himself in the head November 2019 and was immediately dead. I can’t cope with this.

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I'm seeing a psychiatrist to talk about it and she prescribes anti-depressants as well. He was 2 weeks from his 31st birthday and I can't understand why, he did not tell me he was thinking about "ending it all" - he used my handgun to shoot himself in the head and there as nothing that could be done to save him. I only survive,I don't feel like I'm living anymore with him permanently gone that way. The psychiatrist says I'm having a lot trouble with the PTSD from finding him immediately after he did it and not being able to save him. I don't understand what was so bad about living or what he was so worried about that he thought death was an answer. I'm just waiting for my body to give up, all I can do I survive, he was everything to me, everything I did was with him in mind (repairs on the house etc. since I was going to leave to him), he was my only child and I feel lost and like I'm not a mother anymore. I felt safe with him here and now I'm afraid of everything, I can't even go into the front yard anymore, everything is frightening to me, my psychiatrist uses zoom so she can see me and I don't have to go anywhere. I can't stop trying understate why. Did he hate me or his fiancé so much he put us through this? He was in physical pain from his awful dentist who refused to treat the pain from the work she was doing on him, and his neurologist doc refused to treat the migraines he's had since he was 13 and suffered a head injury, she told him Botox shots would help (they didn't) she put him on Aimovig and refused to treat him when he had to go off it because of insurance refusal to allow it all of a sudden after 8 months on it. Aimovig has a withdrawal problem and she told me I was lying when I told her all the problems that started when he went off because the information giving to doctors is useless (it just says constipation or pain at the injection site). That's a lie. His personality altered sometimes. I'm just completely lost and frightened of everything.

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I'm sorry that you have gone through (and continue to go through) such a horrific experience. Reading your post helped me feel less alone. I lost my son to suicide also and the stigma surrounding suicide feels shameful and makes it difficult to talk about. Feeling shame and embarrassment during the grieving process complicates things. You are definitely still a mother; you became a mother the day your son graced this earth. Your son's death does not change the love and nurturing you have given him and the love that you still have.

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My hubby is bipolar ,I dont no if your kids were.But he tryed to kill hiself 2 times finally got him on the right meds and hes been great for 30 years,I no what it feels like to a point.I felt the death suround me when he almost died.The feeling of utter terror.Please in time it does heal.but you will always be hes mum ..love to you both.

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On 1/11/2021 at 12:35 AM, MCBELLA said:

I loss my 31 year old son too. He jumped off a 100' high overpass, on Dec. 10. I thought I was doing okay. Now, I am not so sure. 

I lost my 18 years old daughter in June. Will help maybe if we parents in the same pain talk each other?

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Not sure if it was suicide or not but in March of 2019 I lost my 26 year old son. He had a blood alcohol level of .12 legal limit is .08. He was driving over 120 mph and slammed into the side of a uhaul truck. He left behind a pregnant wife, almost 5 year old daughter, his 19 year old sister and me. We’ll never know what he was doing that night. He knew better than to drink and drive, new better than to drive that fast. The only good thing to come of it is that he was an organ donor and saved several other people’s lives.

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NightWitch,

From your post, it seems like you're not even in a place to talk about your child's death.  I understand that.  My son didn't die by his own hand, but he did die suddenly in an accident and my ex husband committed suicide, so I understand where you are on multiple levels.  I hope that you are able to find some help with your grief.  It seems like it can be all consuming and I would hate to see you be consumed by it.  I'm not necessarily an advocate of medicine, but I do think that a good therapist might help.  I wish you the best. 

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ShaynaG, thank you for caring enough to speak to my post. I want to talk about my son but I cry every time I think of him, which seems like always anyway. I can't understand WHY he did it, and I have been consumed by the grief, I can't function anymore. I don't care what I look like, my husband has to push me to eat anything at all. My son's fiancé never wants to speak to me about him or much of anything else. She lives with us because she has for the last 9 years and I don't think she wants to leave but I often don't think she wants to stay. I'm so lonely it's terrible, I'm terrified of everything, I can't go anywhere - not even the front yard. I don't know what to do with myself so I'm just waiting to die. I'm finding it very difficult to continue so shattered. I don't think it occurred to him the devastation that would be left behind, a parent should not have to bury their child. I have a psychiatrist who has been trying to help me since the day after he did this, but I tell her truthfully that I am taking the antidepressants but I'm just waiting to die. Sometimes I wish I had the nerve to finish myself off, but I don't, I just don't know how to live so shattered. Everything was for him, I talked with him, I asked his advice, and his help, and now I have nothing. I don't know how to deal with this pain, it's all consuming. The person that was me is gone. As the Scottish skye boat song says "all that was good, all that was fair, all that was me is gone."

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Hello to everyone reading this. Special love to Nightwitch, Doina, Michelle73, ShaynaG & yvo4848, I apologize for my tardy response. I am horrible at reading my email. Today I was trying to clean out the more than 11,000 inbox messages. When I saw that Doina (Thanks) had quoted me. So, ladies the holidays are now upon us. I believe a plan and a support network is needed to make it through this time of year. My son's suicide is just the tip of the iceberg of tragedy in my life’s story. I chose mental facility stays to get the help needed when I started remembering the abuse I suffered at my parents hands, while just a child. Even with the all tools I have, from 28 years of therapy (on & off as needed lately) I alone am not enough. Life is not intended to be a solitary journey. Sadly, it is our individual path that is lonely & rocky. Yet, I know that each one of us is a daughter of our Heavenly Father. He gave us a special blessing before we came to this earth. We chose our children & they chose us. We knew what was going to happen & the pain that our child would be in. Sisters, they knew we would love them. No matter what! They trusted that we had the strength to make it through this. Our children are working & praying on the other side on our behalf. There are times when I have needed strength & I have felt the sweet spirit of my son. Remembered his beautiful smile & contagious laugh. I could sensed his presence for 3 days after he past. He knew I needed him. I wasn't ready to let go. I have even taught I could smell him or saw him out of the corner of my eye. It is know among those that have lost someone (suddenly) for the departed to visit loved ones shortly after death. Shortly being in Gods time not woman's.

Nightwitch, I am so sorry to hear your pain. I understand & know the suffering of which you are going through. It is okay to be in pain. To want to hide from the world. Shocked. Scared. Horrified. Heartbroken. Devastated. Despondent. Anger. Sad. Lonely. Guilty. Unloved. Broken. Every feeling you have or don't have is correct and normal. There is no wrong way to grief.

I beat myself up inside my head. The worst is "you are a failure as a mother". Motherhood was my identity. I raised 5 children. I didn’t work outside our home. They were my career, so I volunteered at their schools. Went on field trips. Was a cub scout leader. I taught art at school & archery at scouts. I homeschooled my son when kids where mean because of his Tourette Syndrome. I was excepting, supportive & loving. "Where did I go wrong?" The TRUTH is it wasn't me. NO, I wasn't a perfect mother. No one is. We are not suppose to be. BUT-It wasn't HIM. It was a fleeting thought, he had. I realized that when I had to help his brother & 3 sisters know that they could NOT have saved him or done anything different to change things. It wasn't  ANYONE'S fault. It was the circumstances as they were. We can not change that for us. In our situation, we can try to make it better for the next families. I am trying to get barriers put up on that overpass. #NatBrigade   Studies show that if a jumper (or suicidal person) is stopped during their attempt that on average they never try again. Years later they will say "It was just something in my head. I felt I had to do it."  Research gave me answers for his siblings, my husband & self.

I have attempted suicide. The thought of my children growing up without their mother made me puck as many of the pills up as possibly. I was very lucky. I still wanted to die. To crawl into a dark pit and never wake up. That feeling returned when my son died in Dec. I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t eat for days. I finally had to buy a puppy just to make myself leave my bedroom. 

Nightwitch, it sounds like your son was frustrated and in a lot of pain. I understand pain. I have Fibromyalgia. The pain is 24/7 and gets worse with every year. There is no medication that I can take at this time. I am allergic to the one that does actually work. The trauma of finding your son has to be haunting you night & day. What are you replacing it with? That has to be the million dollar question. Just asking it- I have to take a deep breath to push imagined images of my son's chosen manner of death out of my head. There are times when I can't drive over that overpass without 3 deep slow breaths. BTY; you don't feel the need to answer or even reply if you don't feel like it.

Now, for the anger. We all have it. At some point in time I will properly be upset with my son. So far it has been at my husband, my mother, mother-in-law, brothers-in-law and Cal-Trans. Throwing ice into a shower while you yell at those people can help relieve some rage.

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