Can’t hardly cope....

[Jaclyn]

I recently lost my father on Nov. 18th. We said our “goodbyes” on Nov. 23rd. I can’t seem to process the fact that he’s gone. Literally EVERYTHING reminds me of him.  
 

In February my father had a knee replacement. I was there for the whole process. Everything went fine. He passed his physical and pulmonary tests with flying colors! Then in September he got really sick. It started out as a cough and quickly progressed to pneumonia. He was tested for covid several times and all results were negative. Within 24 hours of being admitted to the hospital he was on a ventilator. Over the next few months, in and out of various hospitals, he was diagnosed with COPD, emphysema, pneumonia, and worst of all, squamous cell carcinoma of the larynx. A VERY aggressive cancer found on his vocal chord. His breathing issues got better and he was released to a nursing facility for rehabilitation.
 

Two days before he was to start cancer treatment, he was found fully coded in his room. He was put on a ventilator again. This time my sister and I were told he was unresponsive and we would have to make some really tough decisions at the hospital regarding life support. Only my sister was allowed in his hospital room where, by some miracle, they took out the vent tube and he woke up!!  Like nothing had happened. We were overjoyed. 
Two weeks later, he was able to be released from the hospital.   Keep in mind, at this time, he had been literally locked up in quarantine for over two months.  Very little interaction with family (through a window) and very few phone calls (as he was losing his voice from the ever growing cancer).

Five days of freedom  That is all he had before he passed.  Most of those days were filled with doctor appts and medications/treatments.  We finally thought we could start on the cancer.  The day before he was to start chemo, my sister found him dead.

The saddest for me is that just four days before his death, I got to visit him for the first time in-person.  I got to hug him hard, kiss him on the cheek, and tell him I loved him.  He said he “wasn’t ready to go yet”  he was “going to beat this cancers butt!”  He wasn’t ready to leave us and I wasn’t ready for him to leave.  But.  He did.  He’s gone. 
 

It has been two weeks.  It’s not better.  I pretend it is.....at work, at home.  But I cry throughout the day in secret.  I hide this unforgiving pain in my heart from everyone, like I’m embarrassed to grieve.  No one can make it better.  No one can bring him back.  He wanted more time......I wanted more time.  
The physical and emotional elements are literally breaking me to the point where my body is suffering.  I can barely function.  I can barely cope.  How am I supposed to live like this?  My sister is going through the same thing.  We talk on the phone but we live hours apart.  Maybe I need counseling, maybe starting this group was a way for me to start to heal.  I don’t know.  I’m lost.

 

[BEQUET93]

Please accept my condolences. I think that joining this group will be good for you. Whenever the emotions are strong, share them here. If you don't want to do that, start a journal. Anything to externalize your thoughts and feelings. Counseling is also a good idea. I have gone back to therapy, so I can work through my mother's death, and there is some relief in being able to talk freely with an objective person. Still, your loss is still recent. Your father was a major part of you and your sister's lives and his passing has left a huge hole in the fabric of your reality. It takes time for our minds to process events like these. 

[Zee24]

So sorry for your loss. It’s only been two weeks so it’s natural that you can’t wrap your head around this. At this moment in time, don’t pressurise yourself on what you should be doing or feeling. Just breathe. It helps to talk so keep talking to your sister. 

[Monty]

I am so sorry for your loss. 
Remember to be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with people who love you, who will listen to you and sometimes just sit with you. Whatever it is you need right now. Each day is a challenge. One step at a time.