Thank you

[Leon]

Almost 4 months ago I lost my wife of 17 years to cancer. I'm going through everything that is written about in your posts. From wearing rings (or not), to looking at old pictures (or not), to only remembering the last few days at the hospital, to no-one else understanding what it is like.

 

I see posts on here about all that, and I see care in the responses, sometimes with answer, sometimes with a applicable story. These might not always be answers for me, but I can see that for some things there are answers. This morning I did pretty good with a walk in the park with my dogs. The afternoon was spend on chores and hanging christmas lights. This evening I feel adrift and fragile, tears are flowing freely.  

 

Thank you to all who respond to all these topics. Reading the gives me strength and hope that I feel better in an hour, tonight or tomorrow... One step at a time.

 

Leon

[SharedLife]

Try to keep yourself (and your mind) occupied, Leon...housecleaning, cleaning the car interior, trimming back bushes in the yard...whatever.  And yes, you're right: One step at a time.

[KayC]

Leon, Thank you for posting, welcome here.  I am so sorry for your loss.  My loss was sudden/unexpected 15 1/2 years ago but I took care of my sweet MIL the last three years of her life when she was bedridden with cancer...she was my best friend and it was a very hard and yet very special time I cannot put into words.  It's something we never forget.  Whether by shock or long term, death hits us, we cannot prepare for the finality of it.

I hope you'll continue to come here....I realize you've already read this but want to post it again, in YOUR thread, so you can find it when you need it, on down the road.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Diane R. E.]

I'm so sorry for both of your losses! My husband passed away this past October 6. The overwhelming, agonizing pain of grief has subsided for the most part. Certain milestones such as yesterday which was the 2 month mark, and our wedding anniversary were tough though. I too, find it helps to keep busy, but I think it's also important to express the emotions of grief. Virtual hugs to both of you!

[foreverhis]

On 12/6/2020 at 9:15 PM, Leon said:

This morning I did pretty good with a walk in the park with my dogs. The afternoon was spend on chores and hanging christmas lights. This evening I feel adrift and fragile, tears are flowing freely.  

Welcome, Leon.  I'm glad you found this wonderful forum.  The members here almost literally saved me when I was wandering helpless, hopeless, and adrift--and that was with a small, very loyal and loving support circle of family and friends by my side.  No one in my life could fully "get it" because none of them have lost their soulmate.

I want to tell you that the day you are describing is very familiar to many of us, especially in the early months.  I also want you to know that it's good that you are not trying to occupy every second of the day and night to try distract yourself from your grief.  Doing things, getting chores done and walking the dogs, are all good because they can give us a feeling of accomplishment and a little respite from being overwhelmed. 

But it's not healthy, IMO, to try to distract ourselves constantly.  Grief will not be denied.  We can try to push it back, stomp it down, and ignore it.  That might work in the short term, but it will come back even stronger and cause more pain.  It hardly seems possible considering that there have been times I've wondered if my grief could actually kill me.  I've asked myself just how much a heart can take before it gives up.  Still, I get out of bed every day, get dressed, and keep breathing because that's the only thing to do. 

Over time, the edges of my grief have softened and I've been able to remember all that was good, happy, loving, and just "every day stuff" with my love, rather than just the difficult, devastating 15 months while he was fighting his cancer.  It's not that I miss him any less.  I will miss him every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  It's that I can remember how lucky I was that we found each other and that he loved me, in spite of my faults and foibles.  And so I try to weave all of that together as I move forward (not "moving on" or "getting over it" because that never happens).

Some days I get very little done, even after more than 2 years, because this is a long, often confusing, unwelcome journey with twists and turns.  I hate using the term "normal" because that's pretty much lost all meaning for me as it relates to life.  Instead I'll say that your day and your reactions to it, especially losing it at night after "doing something" during the day, are typical.  For me, those times have diminished bit by bit, though they still happen, as time has helped me learn to cope with this altered existence and as I've been able to pick up my grief and my love as I try to make a life I think I'll be able to live without my one essential soulmate.

So I urge you not to fight it when your grief overwhelms and washes over you.  And keep coming here to talk and read because it really helps over time.

[KayC]

I agree wholeheartedly, @foreverhis!