Fiancé died suddenly of heart attack

[Rocky5678]

I am so lost right now. My partner  of 9 years and fiancé woke this morning. He was supposed to get a COVID test before work, so we were up earlier than usual. We worked together and he asked if I’d shower first (he usually got up first and let me sleep). He hadn’t been feeling well lately so i was happy to give him extra rest. When I got him up for his turn he sat up and his left leg was swollen and purple. He could barely walk and made it to the bathroom just feet from our bedroom. 
 

I was getting dressed and he told me to call 911. I should have called sooner. 
 

he asked me to find his blood pressure medicine, which I still can’t find anywhere  I’ve torn the house apart looking. 

he couldn’t breathe and said he was burning like he’s never felt before. The emt came in and I helped him dress. Explained he needed a COVID test and the EMT said “yeah this looks like COVID. I had it and that’s what it felt like”  I told the emt he wanted his blood pressure medicine and I couldn’t find it should they give him something  he said “no I don’t think he’ll need that right now” 

 

he made it to the ambulance. I couldn’t go with him I had to make arrangements to cancel his and my classes (were dance teachers). I told him I loved him and assumed I’d see him in a little bit when I heard something and visited him or picked him up. 
 

I called the hospital over and over trying to find him and get information. They couldn’t find him in the intakes and kept transferring me to emergency. They wouldn’t tell me anything because I “wasn’t family” and wouldn’t even confirm he was there. 
 

I told them I knew he was there and someone needed to contact his daughter or soon-to-be-ex-wife if they won’t talk to me. His daughter called me less than 2 minutes later saying he died. His heart stopped in the ambulance and never started again. 
 

this has been a day from hell and I am so heartbroken and shattered. He was 60. I am 27. We just picked a wedding date. We just decided to have a baby. He is the love of my life and the only person I’ve ever been with. 
 

we have 4 dogs and when they hear his voice in video they run to the stairs so excited he’s home. I don’t know how to cope right now. 
 

his father passed of COVID less than a week ago. The family is devastated.
 

many of them didn’t know we had a relationship as we wanted to be respectful of his legal wife (he hadn’t had a romantic relationship with for 20+ years. It was more of a casual friendship) until the divorce came thru. He’s lived with me 6 years. 
 

im sick to my stomach with grief. I need help. I’ve never dealt with pain like this. What do I do? He is my perfect match. We were so happy. I love him with all my heart. He made me a better person and encouraged me every day to grow. He laughed and smiled constantly. He was so supportive and kind and loving to me. I don’t know how to grieve. It hasn’t even been 24 hrs. I’m so lost. 

[LoveNeverDies]

Rocky5678

My deepest condolences. My heart breaks for you. If you are on good terms with his family it would probably be good to be with them right now, if not please come here and we will try our best to help you through this . Huge Hug 

[KayC]

I am so so sorry.  I hope you have some friends/family nearby, support.  It's hard enough to go through but to not have your relationship & grief acknowledge is beyond hard.  I'm glad his daughter called you though, that showed consideration.

As LoveNeverDies said, we want to be here for you.  It does help to express yourself.

I'm amazed you found us this soon in and can even think...shock comes quickly followed by grief fog.  It's hard to think.  This is a process and it's a long journey.  We do gradually adjust/cope, but the missing them and loving them continues.  We learn to assimilate it differently. 

My husband was barely 51 when he died suddenly, I was blindsided, just as you're undoubtedly feeling right now.  I didn't see how I could live one week without him!  It's 15 1/2 years later and I'm still here, taking one day at a time.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Rocky5678]

His family and I are working together to sort things out. His daughter is technically my boss. So we have a lot to figure out. Otherwise his family and I don’t have association. His sister has been calling and kind of harassing me thinking I have more paperwork or I don’t even know what she thinks I have.
 

My sister came from out of town but can only stay for a few more hours because of Covid and quarantine rules. 

 

there’s a lot of people who didn’t know about our relationship “officially” because we were trying to be respectful of his legal wife and not cause any shame or pain in any way. So a lot of people are processing more than just the loss as they have confirmation of what everyone knew but never said. 
 

I am unfortunate in now sharing the bond but fortune to have a friendship with another woman who lost her fiancé in a freak accident. She has been advising me already to find support. Immediately she drove an hour and a half to be with me. She’s helped handle getting things that I don’t want to deal with (phone bills in my name, getting his things from the hospital etc) and told me to make a drs appoint to find referrals for therapy and counseling  

 

I know I’ll be ok and I’m not scare of what the future means now  but I’m heartbroken to have to navigate to a new normal  

 

we shared every aspect of our life together.  
 

his daughter is pregnant with her second daughter. We just found out this baby has Down’s syndrome. The heartbreak thru the family is immense with such a string of loss and pain. 
 

I looked up and realized his grief for his fathers passing was more than he’d shared with us and he was holding so much stress that caused his heart attack  

 

the family didn’t know he lived with me. There’s been a lot of realizations and confessions the past 24 hrs and nobody knows how to cope 

 

I feel so broken.  I just want him to hold me and tell me it’s ok  and I know it’s ok  but it doesn’t help with the pain  

 

thank you for immediately being a place and people I can find comfort and help within  this is something I never thought I’d face and I feel so alone even with all the support I’m receiving  

 

I am very blessed to have people in my life positioned to handle the transferring of bills and getting things in order.  I am thankful for the relationships I have to make this easier.  But I keep expecting him to call or come home and I know he never will 

 

 

[LoveNeverDies]

2 hours ago, Rocky5678 said:

am unfortunate in now sharing the bond but fortune to have a friendship with another woman who lost her fiancé in a freak accident. She has been advising me already to find support. Immediately she drove an hour and a half to be with me. She’s helped handle getting things that I don’t want to deal with (phone bills in my name, getting his things from the hospital etc) and told me to make a drs appoint to find referrals for therapy and counseling

I’m so glad you have a friend like this, this woman sounds amazing! 

[Rocky5678]

I smeared his deodorant on the pillow just to smell him. I found his cologne. He smelled so good and clean. His family changed their tune and has told me they want nothing to do with me. They started a fundraiser to benefit the family “to pay for memorial” but I know he had a life insurance policy to take care of that. They’re breaking my heart for his memory 

[KayC]

I am glad you have someone supportive, she sounds like a lifeline when you could most use it!  But I'm sorry you have to work with his family and that they have nothing to do with you, which of course could be awkward at work.  It's unconscionable that his family would start a fundraiser when he took care of his costs already!  I'd leave karma to deal with them and focus on getting through this the best you can...can you begin looking for work elsewhere?  I'd hate to see them making your life miserable and costing you unexpected loss of job.  Not what you need right now especially, I know!  I went through loss of employment following my husband's death.  

I hope you continue to come here and post/read, it helps to know you're heard by others that get it.

[Rocky5678]

I do already have another job in a restaurant. I’ve been on unemployment and have some time left with that.  The dance studio I never got paid at it was a 6 day a week “volunteer” just to make his life easier. I have been told I’m no longer welcome there. 
 

I joined a grief support group that’s meeting on zoom and that really helped. 
 

his family is insisting they have a right to enter my home and look at our safe and look around. I told them I’m not comfortable with that and I don’t want strangers in my home. I asked them to respect my privacy.  So they called my landlord. 
 

he is a friend of mine and has been for 10 years. He told them I lived here 1 or 2 years before guy moved in and that I am his tenet. Guy was never on the lease or any bills. 
 

mom stressing a bit because there’s a candle lit vigil (outdoors covid friendly) on Thursday and I’m not sure how his family will behave. 

[LoveNeverDies]

34 minutes ago, Rocky5678 said:

his family is insisting they have a right to enter my home and look at our safe and look around. I told them I’m not comfortable with that and I don’t want strangers in my home. I asked them to respect my privacy.  So they called my landlord. 

I’m so sorry you have to go though this ! People can  be so petty ! Just reading about these people are making me mad

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Rocky5678 said:

I have been told I’m no longer welcome there.

I am so sorry his family is so hurtful instead of appreciating everything you were to him and appreciate all your hard work for their business.  Incidentally, I also donated 12 hours/day, six days a week to my first husband's family business...never got a thank you either.

You sound to me like a wonderful person, and you don't deserve what you've gotten.  I hope so much you receive what you look to on this site, we care, I can tell you that.

Wow on their gall!  I'm glad your landlord is behind you.  I hope they wouldn't make a scene at his vigil...prayers surrounding you!

[Rocky5678]

Does anyone have advice on helping pets cope? One of our dogs is having a really hard time without him here, and the rest are barking at every car they hear thinking he’s home. 

[Gail 8588]

Rocky 5678,

I am so sorry for your loss and for the reaction of his family.  Try to just focus on the love you two had for each other. You know it was real and timeless. 

As for the dogs, our dog looked for my husband every day for more than six months. It was really only when I sold the house and we moved out of the only house our dog had ever lived in, that he stopped looking for my husband to come home.

The dog was a great comfort to me, allowing me to pour out my anguish on him. 

Hugs

Gail

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Rocky5678 said:

Does anyone have advice on helping pets cope?

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/pets/animals-grieve-just-as-people-do/

You do well to recognize your dog is grieving.  I was so blindsided and in such shock I couldn't see beyond my own pain, it took my daughter to point it out to me that Lucky was grieving George too.  I started giving her more love and attention and it seemed to help her.