My story: not enough time and too much guilt

[Elsa]

On Thursday I lost my angel after a massive stroke and 3 days in a coma.

we met later in life. I am 46 and he was 62. I quit my job to start working from home shortly after meeting him because we knew we had to make up for lost time. We enjoyed each other’s company so much I didn’t want to have to only see him weekends and evenings and he was a writer so could also work from home.

He had had a very abusive childhood so suffered from complex PTSD. Over the last year or so he started declining and I inadvertently became his carer in a way. But we never joined the dots, he thought his symptoms were PTSD (Balance, cognitive decline, incontinence, anxiety and depression) and sought everything he could from therapy to psychiatry.

The PTSD made his blood pressure sky high and the meds didn’t help much. But he also never really took it seriously despite multiple warnings from doctors.

I became so busy with trying to manage all our personal and professional affairs’ which were complicated, and his depression and anxiety that I somehow forgot about the blood pressure. I knew it was there. But I didn’t prioritise it.

on Monday he complained about numbness in his right flank then arm and leg. We discussed sciatic nerve because she’d been lifting stuff. He took an aspirin and took a nap. His last words to me were «  maybe we should go to a hospital? Now or later? ».. I told him to take a nap and see how he felt.

90 minutes later I walked back in and he was on the floor in convulsions. I will never know how long he was there for, unable to call for me in the room next door.

by the time he got to the right hospital it was another 90 minutes.

he suffered a deep hypertensive hemorrhagic stroke and they could not even operate because it was so deep inside the brain. 

I managed to spend 5 hours holding his hand the second day but didn’t make it for his last breath on the third in time due to COVID rules.

I can.t stop thinking that I killed him. That I failed him. When you love someone you prioritise their health if they can’t do it themselves. 

i know it’s pointless and I also think he had signs of mini silent strokes in the last year so this was the big one. He kept saying it was PTSD and we were focused on that.. but I think it was more than that. If only I had gotten him to a neurologist.

i am broken. I can’t shake the guilt. I can’t fathom that we were only allowed to have 3 years together. He left me in a financial mess, I have his debt that I incurred in my name and his grown kids get everything - not because he wanted it that way but because it was on his never ending to do list to change it, and he never did because his poor brain was being ravaged little by little.

I am only 2 days in but struggling so much I don’t know where to turn to. We were in the middle of buying a house in rural Portugal (also why it took so long to get him help, we are out in the middle of nowhere which now feels negligent on my part) but none of that is possible anymore.

I know these feelings of guilt are wrong, that he was in charge of his own health.

but the hardest past of all is how much I miss him. We were together for 3 years but with each other 24/7 for two of those years. 

Thank you for reading my story. My parents are here supporting me but weirdly they have never lost a partner.. He used to tell me he’d be there for me when they passed. How could I know it was going to be the other way around.

[KayC]

On 12/6/2020 at 12:27 AM, Elsa said:

I know these feelings of guilt are wrong, that he was in charge of his own health.

Hold onto this statement. 

I want to first tell you how very sorry I am for your loss.  I know it is great, because I have experienced it with MY soulmate & best friend, the love of my life.  He was barely 51, it was sudden and unexpected, and it blindsided me.  That was 15 1/2 years ago.

Remember that guilt is a FEELING and it does not MAKE you guilty of anything!  We feel a myriad of feelings all at once when they died, it's overwhelming and we don't know what to do with them.  Experience and release them as best as you can.  Someday it will sink in more that although you care about him more than anything in the world, you did not cause his death.

If you possibly can, see a grief counselor.  If they're no good, try another.

I'm so glad you have familial support.  Our friends all disappeared immediately, my two best friends didn't even bother coming to his funeral!  He'd have done anything for anyone!  My sisters cared but didn't have a clue what I was going through, they all still had their husbands!  It's the hardest road I've ever traveled.  But I'm here, all these years later.  Somehow we hone our coping skills and adjust to even the unthinkable.  One day at a time.  One foot in front of the other.

We had $120 in the bank when he died.  Hospital bills poured in, in the multiple thousands, with ambulance and doctor bills.  I remortgaged my house to pay them.  Years later I found out in my state I would not have been legally responsible.  I'm paying for an old broke down worn out mobile home & property that had once been paid in full.  I'll be paying until I'm nearly 80.  Now I'm hit with repairs right and left and I'm retired.  

I can honestly say I've never missed a meal or been late on a payment.  I lost my job after he died, it was recession and for the first time in my life, I faced age discrimination.  I commuted 100 miles daily because there were no local jobs, and reached the point where no one would hire me and I couldn't see to drive at night.  By that time, I'd saved some $ and lived off it the last four years before taking early retirement & the penalty that came with it.  I pray every day for wisdom and strength for today.

I never relished growing old alone...I'm there.  I've faced two surgeries alone, and so much besides.  The death of my mom.  The death of my sister.  The deaths of my animals.  The death of my BIL of 50 years.  My kids don't live nearby.  Two of my three remaining sisters are disabled, the younger one lives across the state.  I never hear from my brother.

But what I want you to hear me loud and clearly is, I'm doing this.  I'm surviving.  I've learned more than I could ever put into words.  It's a journey not of my choosing, but it's been rich in what I've learned.  Still, any one of us would trade everything for five more minutes with them.  We love and miss them each and every day of our lives.

You'll undoubtedly feel shock, grief fog, in the early days/months.  Clarity will return somewhat eventually, try not to worry about it.
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.                

 

 

[Elsa]

Wow KayC.. I can’t believe your story. I know that some people have been through far more tragic circumstances. But your will to go on astounds me. How do you find a sense of purpose? I have 3 adorable pets who keep me going in the absence of having any children and parents that I am more than ever petrified of losing. But I don’t know if that constitutes purpose. Maybe once the storm clears. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I had dreamt of a semi-retirement with him after working long and hard years alone - of course I am back to working alone.

[SharedLife]

23 hours ago, Elsa said:

they could not even operate because it was so deep inside the brain. 

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE.  You're not a surgeon and even if you were, you couldn't have done anything. He may have had several mini strokes--and he was surely aware that's what they could have been.  He should have taken it upon himself to seek medical attention--both for the sake of his health and for the sake of your peace of mind and well-being. You can have no way of knowing how long after you left the room he had his stroke. And even if you'd been there the minute it happened, what could you have done? (Nothing.) His loss is terrible for you, but IT IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT.

I lost my wife 5-1/2 months ago and I also blamed myself for not being there.  I had an abscessed tooth, took benadril and applied toothache drops, and tried to go to sleep at around 11:00 p.m. I awoke at 3:30 a.m. to find her dead.  "If I had only been there", I said to myself. "What about her emergency call button? Did I leave it too far away for her to reach?" But, after a few months, I accepted that even if I'd been there, there was nothing I could have done. She had several serious medical conditions and had been hospitalized probably about 10 times in the past year and was in five rehab facilities.  Each time, a doctor would take me aside and encourage me to declare her a "DNR".  I refused. At her last hospitalization, they had her on a respirator for two days (pulmonary fibrosis, not COVID). She was visited by a doc and a social worker and they encouraged her to change her status to "DNR". She did, then changed it back a few hours later, after talking to our daughter.  On the third day, they took her off the respirator. On the fourth day, she came home.  A day later, she died. I believe the docs knew she would likely die and sent her home so she could die at home. I've been going through pictures and putting them in photo albums and I'm an emotional wreck. But I've come to accept there was nothing I could have done.  YOU must come to that acceptance, as well.

As for the estate, see a lawyer. In many cases, a wife's claim to the estate may take precedence. The law varies from place to place. Or hire a mediator to mediate the matter between you and you children. You should not be left penniless.

It will take time to begin to heal, but there will be healing. It will take much longer if you continue to wrongly blame yourself.

Best wishes for recovery.  Try to keep your mind occupied on other things. Get outside once in awhile...a change of scenery may help.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Elsa said:

I have 3 adorable pets who keep me going

That has been my incentive too, right now I have a puppy (I've lost ten dogs and 15 cats in my lifetime, many of them since my husband died).  This one's life expectancy is 16 years which would take me to age 83.  I try to plan for what I need to but take only one day at a time.  

My purpose developed over time as my life was greatly altered with George's death...I want to be here for those grieving, the same as others were for me.  My family cared but didn't have a clue, not having experienced it themselves.  To be quite honest, the future and what it holds scares me so I try not to go there, it's too much to bite off.  The Bible says today has enough troubles of it's own and that's a big for sure!  So I try to stay in today.  As someone called olemissfit (Darrell) used to say, one foot in front of another!

10 hours ago, Elsa said:

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

That will take time to learn.  George and I were everything to each other...his death changed everything.  No need to figure it all out today, it will develop, little by little (also a biblical concept: precept upon precept...or bit by bit).

@SharedLife  Good advice!!!