Loneliness

[LoveNeverDies]

It was only a week ago yesterday that I lost my Terry, he was my soulmate, my love, my other half. I could tell him anything and he’d be there for me by my side, no matter what .But now that he’s gone I’m just so lonely, at first people called and asked if I needed anything ( The only thing I needed was what I couldn’t have and that was him) Now everyone just disappears like I have some sort of plague.It’s such a horrible lost,lonely feeling.  I  want to die so I can be with him, it’s just too painful to deal with anymore.

[KayC]

This happens.  Every friend we had disappeared after his funeral, some beforehand.  It's like we're a reminder of their mortality and if we could go through this, so could they.  Death/loss makes people uncomfortable.  But I wasn't prepared for all our friends to abandon me overnight.  My sisters cared but didn't have a clue, they all still had their husbands.

It is painful, but I want to encourage you to hang in there to the day you get a ray of light, glimmer of life, it's the hardest journey I've ever been on, but so far I'm surviving...15 1/2 years later.  George was my soulmate and best friend, the love of my life.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendships_b_2838996

And although it's a little too soon to ditch friends, it may be a consideration in the future.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096

You may find a new friend where you least expect it, be open to developing new relationships.  I got a new one when George died and we were besties for ten years, then she moved to TX to remarry.  Outside of George and my Arlie (dog), she was the best friend I ever had.

[LoveNeverDies]

Thank you Kay for being here, your words help me more than you’ll ever know. Thank you for being here 

[KayC]

You're so welcome!  

[steveb]

KayC gives wonderful advice and insight.  Please take care of your health and don’t neglect yourself. You will find new friends and rekindle old ones. You have a lot to offer others. Never forget that. God bless. 

[Lars M]

That has happened to all of us we get so many phone calls at first and then silence and than we see them a few weeks later and they say "how's it going" like nothings happened and inside your world is falling apart. I think some friends avoid us because they don't know what to say but that does not help us either. I have been on many web sites and done counseling and it is just going to take us time. I am trying to stay busy to pass this time and I can even look at a picture of her and smile not break down and cry. I wish I had answers but just fake it until you make it.   

[jmmosley53]

I have noticed that people don't call like they did at first.  I think it is because when they asked me if I needed anything I said 'no'.  They believed me, they took my NO as, I was okay.  Of course nothing was further from the truth.  I do not believe that friends mean to be uncaring, I think they are trying to not upset me.

I am lucky though, I have 4 sisters and they call me all the time to ,make sure that I do not become terribly overwhelmed.  I so appreciate and love them.  They know that I'm not okay.  They don't understand what I'm going through but they try to cheer me up with activities.  They have all told me that they are sorry but they are using me as a role model for what they will someday face.  I hope that is a long time in the future.  I hate the though of them suffering but there will be nothing I will be able to do except BE THERE for them.

[KayC]

Our country (& probably all of the others as well) GREATLY need educating about grief, how to be there for others in their grief.

What we need most is for someone to just show up, sit with us,. listen, care.  Also tangible help is often ignored, I've had to hire done much of what George did around here or do without.  We have no one to open the jars or move the refrigerator.  We have no sounding board to bounce ideas off of or listen to our problems.  We have no one leaving the garage light on.  We no longer have the income we did.  We have no one taking care of us post surgery.  We have no one to drive us when we can't drive.  We have no one to share our meals with or view a sunrise/sunset with.  We wake up on Christmas morn alone.  We do this pandemic alone.  Most of all we have no one holding us in the middle of the night.  It gets old.  I've been at this 15 1/2 years.  I take care of myself the best I can, eat super healthy, get exercise every day, drink enough water.  Why?  Not to prolong my life, but for quality for the time I have left.  To be here to take care of my puppy, he deserves that.  I don't want him to go through re-homing.  So I keep going, one day at a time.  But I sure miss being among the land of the living.  This hasn't been a good year!

[Lars M]

Kay you hit on so many of my fears I just had to fill out a form and they ask me to list my emergency contact. How do you ask a friend or even a child to be your emergency contact. For 30 years I took for granite that I had someone to drive me home after a surgery or drive when I got tired. I can't let myself get caught up in this fear it is not healthy.

I do thank you for being here to listen to me and many others vent.    

[LoveNeverDies]

Lars , do you have children? It wouldn’t hurt to ask them if you do . I’m emergency contact for my father who is 84 and doesn’t drive anymore.

[jmmosley53]

That brings up a touchy topic in my family.  My sisters want me to get one of those 'I've fallen and can't get up' devices.  I can't afford it.  I'm 67 but don't think I'm so feeble I need one.  I do worry about what would happen if broke a hip and couldn't get to a phone but still, chances of that happening are slim.  How much cautions should someone take?

[Mulelady]

As always....Kay described my life too...only I'm just beginning this painful journey.  Covid has magnified the isolation and disappearance of people.  Along with the family and friends who slid away....I got hit with a huge blow the day Nick passed.  For two years while we forged through the medical process, Nick had immediately arranged , verbally , for his " friend " to buy the farm and help sell the equipment for me . Almost every month , in front of me, he would ask/check that he " was still on board " with the plan.....both of us expecting he would help in any way needed ....he always said YES ! ...?  To this day I have no idea what happened....but from the very next day ....I never saw or heard from him again ? Some tried to defend....maybe he just didn't think your were ready ?  No....the second week I spoke with him on the phone ....saying...."I want to move forward with the farm ".....that was our last conversation .  The next 6 months were a legal and emotional nightmare.  They even found a lien on the farm that neither of us knew about....more legal drama ....I didn't need.  I think that may be partly why this year has been a deep toll ....the real time for grief was delayed .   

I do get it....that most are not able to face or understand our pain.....they're busy....have a life.....have a husband .....but ....I still have to live in it ....the enormous loneliness ....with a year of Covid spread on top.  I saw on TV this morning , a couple who  passed in hospital beds , next to each other....holding hands.  I wish that had been us.  

[LoveNeverDies]

It’s sad how people who you thought were your friends disappear when you need them the most. I would call him again and again to see what’s going on, if he doesn’t want to buy it he should just say so, so you can move on. 
 

I saw that on TV about the couple who passed away together of COVID. I also wished that I could have died with him. Life is so painful without him.

[Mulelady]

Of course I'm not including the mountains of details ....but that was April 2019.....I had his and my farm....needed to sell one fast.  Finding a buyer wasn't the hardest part....it was having to focus on cleaning out the house and barns FAST plus the legal drama with the lien and his family in another state.  You just don't have the emotional energy to deal with it.  At this point , I'm past most of the legal stuff...and I hope I never see that man again....unless he has a huge apology and explanation .  I was OK with him not buying it.....just say ...."my situation has changed....I'm sorry ...can no longer buy it...but I'd be glad to help you make plans and manage the equipment sale ".

[KayC]

21 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

That brings up a touchy topic in my family.  My sisters want me to get one of those 'I've fallen and can't get up' devices.  I can't afford it.  I'm 67 but don't think I'm so feeble I need one.  I do worry about what would happen if broke a hip and couldn't get to a phone but still, chances of that happening are slim.  How much cautions should someone take?

I have one sister that pays for one of those for my other disabled sister, who listed me as the person to contact.  I live ten miles from her in snow country so worry I would not be able to reach her if she fell, but I know one of her neighbors so could call them if need be.  For myself, I've asked my son to check my FB every night and make sure I've posted something...that way it doesn't take his time, he doesn't have to talk to me, just see I'm still alive and well (I moderate a diabetic FB group so am on every day and check in before retiring every night).  Perhaps you could have a neighbor check if they don't see any lights or activity that day?  Just a quick phone call would do!  

4 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

I would call him again and again to see what’s going on, if he doesn’t want to buy it he should just say so, so you can move on.

I'm afraid he already has moved on.  For a friend to just do a disappearing act after such an agreement kind of speaks for itself.  Some mouth the words but don't back it up in reality.   Make whatever plans you need to for yourself, get an attorney's input.  I am so sorry you are going through this extra burden just when you least need it.  No one can understand the myriad of hurdles we have to go through unless they've been through it themselves.  All of us have different circumstances, but we can relate somewhat to one another here.

15 hours ago, Mulelady said:

I saw on TV this morning , a couple who  passed in hospital beds , next to each other....holding hands.  I wish that had been us.  

Oh, man!  Do I get this!!!  I feel the one who left was blessed...it's us left behind that have the struggle.  I am glad my husband was spared that.  I think he thought I'd be okay, he somehow thought of me as superwoman, but I found out just how I am NOT when he died!  It reduces us all to fragility, confusion, lostness.

3 hours ago, Mulelady said:

Of course I'm not including the mountains of details ....but that was April 2019.....I had his and my farm....needed to sell one fast.  Finding a buyer wasn't the hardest part....it was having to focus on cleaning out the house and barns FAST plus the legal drama with the lien and his family in another state.  You just don't have the emotional energy to deal with it.  At this point , I'm past most of the legal stuff...and I hope I never see that man again....unless he has a huge apology and explanation .  I was OK with him not buying it.....just say ...."my situation has changed....I'm sorry ...can no longer buy it...but I'd be glad to help you make plans and manage the equipment sale ".

Oh my, no words!  "Friends"...a relative term I guess.