What to do

[BBB]

I know so many here can relate, which is why I read, why I post. Part of the problem is that after being together for such a long period of time, I actually don't know how to live on my own. We shared everything, we did almost everything together, we functioned as one essentially. Now, almost 30 years into the game your thrust into a totally new ballgame. The difficulty and the heartache are beyond anything I've ever encountered.Most nights I go to bed praying that I don't wake up in the morning. 

[LoveNeverDies]

BBB , my deepest condolences..

I feel the same way, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Coming here helps me , because we’re all in this dark storm together. Have you considered talking to a grief counselor? I’m thinking about it , even though I’m an introvert and sometimes have a hard time telling my problems to strangers 

[KayC]

My sister just lost her husband of 50 years on Sept. 23.  She also had not lived alone.  She's doing it.  Accept any offers of help and don't be afraid to reach out for help, I know it's hard for me to do that but I'm having to learn to the older I get.  

I have a friend going through the loss of her husband (six years ago) has no family or close friends left, is having serious pain/medical issues, she is still seeing her counselor and it helps her to have them to talk to and consider what they say.  Right now it's phone visits because of COVID (Seattle, an epicenter) but she prefers in person visits.  Hopefully we'll soon have this behind us, one less thing to deal with.

[foreverhis]

I can certainly relate to that.  Until my husband died, I had never lived alone.  I moved from my parents house in with roommates and then in with my husband.  It was scary as heck at first.  Sometimes it still is, but I've learned to ask for and accept help.  One of the things that ended up being the most frightening for me was that I was in such a brain fog for the first year or so.  That's on top of the brain fog I have from my auto-immune conditions.  When I realized that I'd forgotten to lock up for the 10th or 12th time, I decided I needed to have a safety check list.  I've gotten much better in this third year, but sometimes the fog gets worse again, so I have to look at the list and remember.  Another thing that brought pain all the time, but not so much now, was shopping.  I'd pick up a large bunch of grapes or four cucumbers or think, "I'd better get a three pack of our favorite berries" at the farmers market and then bring myself up short remembering.  So I'd choose a smaller bunch, two cucumbers, and one basket of berries while my throat closed and the tears started.  Unloading the puny bags of groceries and produce always seemed to bring home my loneliness for him.  It took more than a year before I started not considering his preferences.  We had mostly the same taste, but not identical.  It's so hard having to face everything alone after so many years of being a we, us, and ours, being one half of an "and."

It's a slow shift of perspective, that's for sure, but over the first 2 years I've gone from feeling like I don't have a clue how to be a grown up by myself to thinking maybe I can if I'm patient, if I ask for his help (yep, I still talk to him every day), and if I don't expect to be perfect.  Every time I take care of a house or yard chore on my own that we used to do together or that he used to do, I feel like it's a huge accomplishment. 

I know I can't do it all by myself, which is why I'm so glad to have my little posse of local friends and neighbors, along with our nearly life-long friends and family who live out of the area, but are there for me when they can be and who are always just a phone call away.  At first, I felt like I'd be a burden, but then one day I was thanking a friend for "lending" me her husband to help again.  She said that they were both so happy about it because he felt like he was able to comfort me in a tangible way and she saw how happy it made him to be helpful.  Our little group is rather like that in general, so I guess I shouldn't have been so worried.

I've also learned not to be ashamed to tell total strangers I lost my husband, if it's appropriate.  Like switching some of our technology services not just to my name, but in a way that will save money.  I've said flat out that my husband died and I need to think about my budget several times when I'm talking to contractors or looking for service on something or buying something and looking for the best prices.  For me at least, it's taken a lot of courage to say the words, "My husband died" because I could barely grasp it myself for so long.

I'm certain that COVID is making it much worse for all of you facing being alone now in the early part of grief.  It's hard for those of us further down the road, but my goodness it's just one more thing to add to your burdens.  I hope so much that we get things under control, get good vaccines out there, and can start engaging with each other again.  In the mean time, all I can do is send you big, warm, comforting, virtual ((HUGS)) from someone who truly does get it.

[Lars M]

I just finished up an 8 week course with a grief counselor and I must say it helped. It is not a magic pill and I still struggle but she challenged me to do things that were very painful and I did not think I could do for example look at old photos of us together at first I would break down but now I can look at them and remember the good times. I was stuck at thinking about her in the last days and it was very hard to think about. We did other exercises and it did help. I was married for 30 years and it is going to take time to get use to living alone and who wants to live alone not me. 

 

  

[jmmosley53]

I could have written the same post as foreverhis.  The first time I climbed a ladder to change a light bulb, it felt like a victory.  I was proud of myself.  

[LoveNeverDies]

I guess we should just take one day at a time, or maybe one hour at a time. There’s days where I wake up and feel ok, thinking maybe I can get something done. Then something reminds me of him, memories come flooding back and so do the tears. I’m considering going to a grief counselor, but I’m not sure if my crappy insurance will cover it . Has anyone else found this helpful?

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Lars M said:

she challenged me to do things that were very painful

It's true, it's our natural inclination to avoid pain and our grief is more palpable than physical pain, to my way of looking at it!  But it is in allowing ourselves to go ahead and grieve that we process it and begin to adjust.  If we try to shove it aside continually and bottle it up, it will find us and have a way of haunting us in the years to come!  And it always knows where we are and finds us!  I remember one post-er that wrote in 20 years after his fiance died, he now had a wife & children and all of a sudden was confronted with his grief big time.  He had to deal with it.  I'm sure his wife and kids were thrown for a loop!  We can't hit ignore continually.  My grief never let me anyway.  It knew where I worked, it knew where I slept, it has become my unbidden companion but I've made my peace with it as best I could.  It changed my life...and me.

42 minutes ago, LoveNeverDies said:

Has anyone else found this helpful?

Lars just said he did.

The grief counselor I got when George died was horrible, but I was fortunate to get Marty Tousley at my other grief site, she is a retired grief counselor and grief website owner, she's been my mentor and friend these past 15 1/2 years.  I have learned SO MUCH from her and appreciate her more than I can say!                                                                                                                      

[BBB]

I actually am going to a grief counselor currently. I think it helps but nothing (counselor, medication) will ever make a huge dent in our grief. (In my opinion)

[Mulelady]

I have been occasionally responding that my Nick has passed....I'm alone now...or some version when the situation might arise.....as I really do want to talk about it....but as soon as I do...I start crying...usually with perfect strangers ( waiters....store clerks ) . It works out I suppose....but also uncomfortable ....or I feel badly for them ...awkward. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Mulelady said:

I really do want to talk about it....but as soon as I do...I start crying...usually with perfect strangers ( waiters....store clerks ) . It works out I suppose....but also uncomfortable ....or I feel badly for them ...awkward. 

It may just be helping prepare them for what to expect when the time comes for them...try to let go of feeling bad for them, it can't be avoided, our grief has a mind of it's own.