Struggling to focus on my studies on the brink of another mental breakdown

[iamepic952]

Not sure where to start so I guess I'll start from the very beginning. 

Summer of 2015 my mum developed Jaundice (skin goes yellow so do the eyes because of the bile duct being blocked) and my father had left to go for his sisters marriage in Pakistan despite him knowing my mums condition. She dealt with it and the pain that came along with it until one night she asked me to call an ambulance. I was 15 and the eldest child. She was rushed into hospital in the early hours of the morning. Family members came and took away 2 of my brothers and I was left to look after my autistic 4 year old brother home alone for 2 weeks with my mums friends buying takeaways for us. While she was in hospital the doctors told her that she had a tumour that had cancerous cells inside growing on her pancreas and was told she won't have long to live. She told me it felt like someone had dropped a ticking time bomb on her and she was devastated. Then doctors came back and later confirmed it was a less serious form of pancreatic cancer and she only had a few more years to live. They advised chemotherapy. 

Then 2 weeks later my mum came home but instead of resting she had to go into town with me to buy school clothes for the school year. She had lost a lot of weight and used to tell me she felt like a skeleton after leaving hospital. After my father came home he kicked off with my mum threatening divorce because she allowed family to take my brothers away while he was absent. (My father and family were not on good terms). 

In 2016 she took the first round of chemotherapy. It was very difficult on her and she ended up permanently losing her sense of taste and had a permanent nauseas feeling and had to chew sweets to get rid of the nausea. She took a few rounds of chemo in the hopes of making the tumour small enough to have surgery and remove it. However in summer of 2018 the tumour did not shrink enough and she went for private treatment in november 2017. 

The private treatment was worse than the chemo offered by the NHS as it was the wrong chemo for her tumour and instead sped up the growth of the tumour. After a few months in Germany she came home and had to go back into hospital in summer of 2018. She spent a few months in chemo constantly throwing up and lost a lot of weight. During these years my father had frequent arguments with my mum, smashed her tablets, beat her and threatened to beat my younger brother whenever he used to stand up to him. After leaving hospital in october 2018 she was extremely skinny and many of her so called friends had stopped bothering because she was not able to go out as much after losing much of her strength and muscles in her body. People gossiped and made fun in public which really crushed her confidence and during all this family were not involved. They made constant excuses and this meant the majority of the care at home was dealt with by me and my younger brother and a few of my mums close friends who made efforts. This meant a huge responsibility was placed on my who had just turned 18 and enrolling into university.

In november her strength got weaker and weaker and she had to walk constantly to maintain her muscle strength. In January 2019 she started writing her will and by march she was no longer able to walk on her own, go toilet on her own and was given painkillers to stop the pain. She had water swelling in her feet and carers were arranged to stay with her at night. A hospital bed was delivered to our house and I had to stay up nights looking after her along with my father while family members came during the day to cook food and left by 9pm. During this time I was having to prepare for exams that were taking place in may and being constantly called to help my mother with things the carers could not do. I was experiencing anxiety attacks and I did not leave the house very often.

In the final weeks of april her condition deteriorated significantly and she started becoming unconscious refusing food or water. It was in the final week that she was in and out of consciousness until the 2nd of may when she closed her eyes for the final time while me and my brother were besides her and never opened them again. 

The day of the funeral was quite a weird experience. Having a lot of people coming to me offering condolences, people who I'd never met before or only met a handful of times offering condolences. I guess in a sense it was like my life had paused. My mum was no longer suffering and it was I'd say a watershed moment for what was to come. In the weeks and months following family, mums friends all offered support so did my group of friends. But honestly I just wanted to be on my own, and i ended up spending 8-9 hours a day for a few months just playing games and passing time. After completing exams in august i started second year and tried my best to put it behind me. However, this was a grave mistake and in december 2019 i had a mental breakdown and failed assignments, was referred to counselling and had extended support with professors and advisors at my university. I was put on a waiting list and then the pandemic happened and my counselling was delayed until July then I took 12 weeks of support but didn't really solve my issues. 

Now a few months later I feel like I'm one bad day from another mental breakdown with assignments and responsibilities hitting me from all sides. After the failure and disappointment of relying on other people for support I've pushed people away and now just rely on myself, I'm paranoid about who to trust and I'm honestly struggling to carve out an identity for myself. I'm struggling to study and focus on the things that used to give me enjoyment and I've lost the motivation to keep up with friendships. At this point I'm just floating not knowing what to do next.

Thank you for reading my story of grief..

[Genrou]

I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that. My father, too, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and he only had a few months because of blotched surgeries. You cannot trust doctors and hospitals because you have to be your own advocate.

You need to take this time for self care. Perhaps by taking a leave of absence from school? Otherwise you are just juggling too much and you won’t be able to do everything you want to do. Winter break is around the corner. Could you finish the finals and just hold off on schooling next semester? Think about it! Take the time you need for yourself to breathe. It is okay to just mindlessly play video games, watch movies, because during those moments you are allowing yourself to unwind! You deserve it! You took care of your mom for so long. She would want you to take the time for self care.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[Zee24]

I agree with Genrou, you have had such a lot on your plate from such a young age that you deserve a break to figure out what you want. Dont panic about just floating, what you have gone through would have broken fully functioning adults. To be a caregiver is a very difficult and painful job. Honestly not everyone is upto it. I am so sorry for the loss of your mum.  

[iamepic952]

10 hours ago, Genrou said:

I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that. My father, too, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and he only had a few months because of blotched surgeries. You cannot trust doctors and hospitals because you have to be your own advocate.

You need to take this time for self care. Perhaps by taking a leave of absence from school? Otherwise you are just juggling too much and you won’t be able to do everything you want to do. Winter break is around the corner. Could you finish the finals and just hold off on schooling next semester? Think about it! Take the time you need for yourself to breathe. It is okay to just mindlessly play video games, watch movies, because during those moments you are allowing yourself to unwind! You deserve it! You took care of your mom for so long. She would want you to take the time for self care.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father. In the beginning my mum's GP used to tell my mother that she had "gas" everytime she used to complain of abdomen pain and because of this she lost vital years where it could have been properly checked out and maybe even surgery could have been done earlier. You're very right about being your own doctor.

Right now I'm the main carer for my little autistic brother as my father speaks little to broken English so I'm attending meetings at school, reading reports, making sure he's doing well and because of covid doing home schooling with him. At the same time I've got several essays due in the next few weeks, a dissertation due for next may and exams next summer and honestly it's getting too much. 

I'm trying to just focus, put this behind me and get the work out of the way so I can just relax but honestly it looks like I won't get that opportunity just yet.

Thank you for replying it means a lot and for your kind words and advice. I hope things are going well for you.

 

[iamepic952]

10 hours ago, Zee24 said:

I agree with Genrou, you have had such a lot on your plate from such a young age that you deserve a break to figure out what you want. Dont panic about just floating, what you have gone through would have broken fully functioning adults. To be a caregiver is a very difficult and painful job. Honestly not everyone is upto it. I am so sorry for the loss of your mum.  

Thank you for your kind words and condolences. I turn 21 in march and so family members are kind of pressuring me to do something when I finish university in the summer. But honestly my mind is just clouded and I've lost the direction I'm going in. I think I might just take a year out to just think about where I want to go in life. 

Most of my friends know where they want to go in life and it's depressing when I look at family members who have jobs and passed their degrees it makes me feel like I'm doing something very wrong honestly. 

I know I shouldn't but whenever I look at their families, when they still have both parents even grandparents (mine died in 2006) it makes me jealous, I know it probably shouldn't but it does.

[Zee24]

Iamepic52, I think that your feelings and emotions are very natural. I think your family is pressuring you perhaps because they think thats best. That it will serve as a distraction. Only you can know what you need or are capable of right now. 
most people when they go through something like this are older which means they have established careers, friendships and family ties. They cannot or are not willing to appreciate how difficult such a thing is to process when you are so young. Its walk a mile in my shoes and then ask me type of situation. Just do what works for you, you will know what that is.