Dreams

[LoveNeverDies]

Finally I got a good nights sleep. I had a dream that friends came over to keep me company while I was mourning and went back in the house(we were out on the porch) , and there he was, alive and well. We hugged ,talked,and laughed. Then I woke up and realized he’s not here. I miss him so much.

[KayC]

I'm so glad you got some sleep!  Sleep was very elusive to me in those early months.  It's hard to exist without it.  

5 minutes ago, LoveNeverDies said:

Then I woke up and realized he’s not here. I miss him so much

(((hugs)))  Right now it's hard because you forget for a moment he's gone and then the harsh awaking hammering you all over again with reality.  There'll come a time when you fully realize that reality and it's no longer something you can forget even momentarily.  In a way it's a blessing because the rude awakening again and again is hard to take.  But then again, a part of me felt sadness that I was so away from him. 

(((hugs)))

[LoveNeverDies]

He was my rock, now I have nobody to lean on and I’m falling apart 

[frenchygirl]

11 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

He was my rock, now I have nobody to lean on and I’m falling apart 

I lost my soulmate too. Nov 3. Sometimes, it all hits me like a ton of bricks and the overwhelming emotions just come. I want to hide somewhere and forget that I exist. But that's not what he would have wanted. He would want me to reach my goals, smile, laugh and continue to love. That's what keeps me going....you can do this. Our hearts are completely broken, I feel like I'm only a fraction of who I once was...some days are a struggle to even function...but I am so thankful for his love. His full, unconditional love. I am so thankful for his laugh. I'm thankful for the chance to even know him. I carry that love with me...

[LoveNeverDies]

Thank you Frenchygirl, I know he wouldn’t want me to be like this and I’m so thankful for him being part of my life. How life would have been if we never crossed paths, I may not have known that someone could love me so much.That deep connection where we know what each other is thinking , the same stupid juvenile sense of humor. It’s just hard to even go to the store with Christmas music playing , decorations everywhere . I just want to curl up in my bed and cry

[LoveNeverDies]

KayC , I go to bed hoping that I’ll see him in my dreams. It may seem weird to others, but I guess it’s my escape from reality. Maybe Im going crazy.Today is the one week anniversary of his death, and it’s hard that the days keep moving along when I don’t want them to. 

[frenchygirl]

1 hour ago, LoveNeverDies said:

Thank you Frenchygirl, I know he wouldn’t want me to be like this and I’m so thankful for him being part of my life. How life would have been if we never crossed paths, I may not have known that someone could love me so much.That deep connection where we know what each other is thinking , the same stupid juvenile sense of humor. It’s just hard to even go to the store with Christmas music playing , decorations everywhere . I just want to curl up in my bed and cry

I completely understand. I went to a friends house for game night the other night for a distraction. Although I laughed and had a good time, the emptiness was still very real. I do curl up in my bed and cry. So far, I cry myself to sleep every night. Grief is a strange thing to me...it has no limits, no warnings and often overwhelming. I can tell you that someone said to me "take one day at a time". I'm here to tell you it's not one day at a time for me....sometimes it's one minute to the next. I'm hopeful that one day, I can do a day at a time...that just seems so far away. Hang in there. 

[LoveNeverDies]

It’s such a horrible feeling, such a deep emotional agony. But, I have found to helpful to blurt out my feelings on here . I know we’re on all on this crappy dark road together here and we’re just trying to find some sort of light at the end of it.

[frenchygirl]

4 minutes ago, LoveNeverDies said:

It’s such a horrible feeling, such a deep emotional agony. But, I have found to helpful to blurt out my feelings on here . I know we’re on all on this crappy dark road together here and we’re just trying to find some sort of light at the end of it.

Yes, it's helpful to talk to people who really understand. I'm sick of 'call me if you need me' and 'let me know what you need'; especially when I can't even put into words what I need. 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

Maybe Im going crazy.

No, this is grief, our lives are changed forever.  Please trust me when I say you will get through this...even this.  I won't lie to you, it's not easy, but we somehow make our way through it even when it seems unfathomable.  Keep coming here, we have each other to sojourn with.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, frenchygirl said:

Yes, it's helpful to talk to people who really understand. I'm sick of 'call me if you need me' and 'let me know what you need'; especially when I can't even put into words what I need. 

I believe that we can't put into words what we need, especially in the first months, because what we need is to have our soulmates back with us, healthy and alive.  Those who haven't experienced this loss cannot fully understand that.  Plus, our grief can be very uncomfortable for them, so they might say the things they think they're supposed to say and try to "be there" for us for a period of time.  Then they go back to their lives largely unchanged, while we're left adrift trying to just stay afloat from one minute to the next.  Our society sucks at even acknowledging death and grieving, much less that it's not some finite, straight path where we go through a few "stages" and come out the other side back to "normal."  We will never be who we were before.  Our lives and who we are is forever changed. 

Your and LoveNeverDies grief is so new, so sharp, and so deep that just getting out of bed, getting dressed, and breathing is all you should expect of yourselves right now.  I couldn't really tell you how I got through the first months, but I did.  I've taken steps forward on a long difficult path.  I can now smile, laugh, even feel some happiness without feeling it's a betrayal.  But it took a long time to get where I am now and I know I will never be happy in the way I was before.  What I'm trying to say is that our grief does not stay the same.  It evolves and changes as we figure out ways to cope, how to exist with it as a permanent part of our lives and who we are.

On 12/3/2020 at 5:06 AM, LoveNeverDies said:

Finally I got a good nights sleep. I had a dream that friends came over to keep me company while I was mourning and went back in the house(we were out on the porch) , and there he was, alive and well. We hugged ,talked,and laughed. Then I woke up and realized he’s not here. I miss him so much.

I too am glad you hear you got some sleep.  It's such an elusive thing for most of us.

For months, every morning when I'd wake up there would be that moment between sleeping and being awake, when I'd forget and think he'd be with me.  Every morning it was like a little slap to my heart when I'd remember he wouldn't ever be here again.  Over time, as I came to fully accept the reality (not accept that what happened was right or fair--it wasn't), the morning slaps receded because I was able to start remembering all that was good, loving, and happy in our lives, rather than just the painful and devastating last 15 months of fighting his cancer.  Again, it was not fast or easy, but it did happen.  One thing that helped me is something I still do:  When I get out of bed, open the shade, and look at out the day, I say good morning to him.  I talk to him every day, less than at first, but every day.  Maybe he can hear me, but that's not really the point because it helps me.

I have to be honest and tell you that I wish I had dreams like the one you did, even though waking from it was bound to bring a fresh wave of worse pain.  I have had very few dreams of my husband and the first two of three were nightmares.  He was so angry that he was picking up large furniture and throwing it across the room (not exactly realistic considering both the physics of it and the fact that we was a strong, but gentle man).  He was raging, which makes perfect sense.  He was mostly furious with me, which also makes perfect sense because I'm really good at blaming myself for not saving him and feel guilt to this day, though less than at first.  What threw me out of the dream into sweating, shaking awareness was that I asked him if he ever loved me and he said yes, but when I asked him if he still did, he said no.  I'm perfectly aware that it was my own subconscious creating scenarios of what I guess I believed I "deserved," but it sure felt real.  The second dream was similar in theme.  The third we were together in a good way, but frantically trying to find "something" (I don't know or recall what) that kept hiding just out of reach.  That one fairly screamed, "Hey, idiot girl, that's the two of you trying to find whatever would make him healthy and, as in life, not finding it."

I urge you to embrace any positive dreams, even though you know how much waking from them will hurt, because they are moments of respite from the crushing weight of early grief.  Anything, real or dreamt, that gives us a break should be embraced if we can.

I welcome you both, but wish so much that none of us had to be here.

[LoveNeverDies]

He died around this time last Friday, and I’m sitting here alone thinking about that whole day. I feel so lonely and lost. 

[frenchygirl]

17 minutes ago, LoveNeverDies said:

He died around this time last Friday, and I’m sitting here alone thinking about that whole day. I feel so lonely and lost. 

I'm so sorry. That overwhelming sadness is hard. I can't think of the day mine passed. He took his own life and I almost slip back into hysterics. This has been the toughest four weeks of my life. I'm sure it's been the toughest week of your life. We can do this together. 

[LoveNeverDies]

I’m so sorry, I hope we can get through this together. Hugs

[LoveNeverDies]

1 hour ago, frenchygirl said:

I'm so sorry. That overwhelming sadness is hard. I can't think of the day mine passed. He took his own life and I almost slip back into hysterics. This has been the toughest four weeks of my life. I'm sure it's been the toughest week of your life. We can do this together. 

I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’re going through with his suicide. Have you talked to a grief counselor? I wondering if they could help at all.

[frenchygirl]

1 hour ago, LoveNeverDies said:

I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’re going through with his suicide. Have you talked to a grief counselor? I wondering if they could help at all.

I have actually started seeing a counselor. I go once a week right now. I also am on medication from my regular medical doctor. I was not left alone for the first two weeks... basically one "suicide watch". The counselor is helping...it's nice to talk to someone that does not pass any judgement. 

[KayC]

@frenchygirl  I'm glad you have a counselor to see, and that you're getting help from your doctor.  It is so important that someone listen, validate our feelings/experiences!  It's also good to express ourselves.

16 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

He died around this time last Friday, and I’m sitting here alone thinking about that whole day. I feel so lonely and lost. 

I'm so sorry, I remember counting weeks, months, then years, in the early times everything seems a milestone/reminder. 

 

[frenchygirl]

@LoveNeverDies How are you? Here's to another week of one moment at a time. I've been thinking of you. Please reach out. I feel like we are kindred spirits and in this together. That seems silly, but I have found solace in that. 

[LoveNeverDies]

Thank you frenchygirl, I was just wondering why I even bother living without him . So, I came on here and saw your message. Thank you so much . I was waiting for the funeral home to call me about his ashes. His son (who is in NYC)told me they were ready, but the funeral home was closed all weekend . I really need to bring his ashes home with me. How are you holding up? I’m glad to have a friend on here

[frenchygirl]

@LoveNeverDiesYou live because he would want to see you smile, to see you rebuild and thrive! It's a very slow process. I hope you are able to bring him to your home today. I'm better than last week. I'm getting ready to go to my counseling appt. Monday's are hard....very emotional for me just because I spend an hour confronting my emotions. I promise the world needs you! I question why my love took his own life every day. He was deeply depressed. Depression is a strange thing. It's weird to be happy but depressed all in the same breath. I can tell you one thing...I need you. It sounds silly because we don't even really know each other. But you and I understand the grief, the heartache and the overwhelming emotions right now. Thanks for being here. And please consider getting some outside help. I know I had to. Hugs for today!!! 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, frenchygirl said:

@LoveNeverDiesYou live because he would want to see you smile, to see you rebuild and thrive! It's a very slow process. I hope you are able to bring him to your home today. I'm better than last week. I'm getting ready to go to my counseling appt. Monday's are hard....very emotional for me just because I spend an hour confronting my emotions. I promise the world needs you! I question why my love took his own life every day. He was deeply depressed. Depression is a strange thing. It's weird to be happy but depressed all in the same breath. I can tell you one thing...I need you. It sounds silly because we don't even really know each other. But you and I understand the grief, the heartache and the overwhelming emotions right now. Thanks for being here. And please consider getting some outside help. I know I had to. Hugs for today!!! 

What a sensitive, sweet, well thought out response!  

And maybe contact the funeral home about his ashes instead of waiting on them?  For them it's another daily chore to call, for you it's a lifeline!

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, frenchygirl said:

I can tell you one thing...I need you. It sounds silly because we don't even really know each other. But you and I understand the grief, the heartache and the overwhelming emotions right now

That doesn't sound silly at all.  I'm so glad you two have connected.  I hope you'll both keep talking (well, writing) and perhaps one day you'll meet in person.

[LoveNeverDies]

I did to the funeral home and I got his ashes. My daughter and I made area to keep them with his favorite shirt , pictures and a text message he sent me that I printed out. It does bring me some peace. 

6 hours ago, frenchygirl said:

He was deeply depressed. Depression is a strange thing. It's weird to be happy but depressed all in the same breath

I totally understand, depression runs in my family. It’s a dark hole that’s hard to get out of

[frenchygirl]

18 minutes ago, LoveNeverDies said:

I did to the funeral home and I got his ashes. My daughter and I made area to keep them with his favorite shirt , pictures and a text message he sent me that I printed out. It does bring me some peace. 

I totally understand, depression runs in my family. It’s a dark hole that’s hard to get out of

I'm so thankful you have some peace. I wear one of my loves' favorite t-shirts to bed every night. I talk to his picture as I lay down to sleep. I'm thankful we have those little things that are special to our hearts that help us remember. I feel like we are so lucky to have had a glimpse of what true love is. I will never forget how he made me feel or the way he made me laugh. May we heal....but never forget....

[LoveNeverDies]

On 12/7/2020 at 10:15 AM, frenchygirl said:

He was deeply depressed. Depression is a strange thing. It's weird to be happy but depressed all in the same breath

I totally understand, depression runs in my family. It’s a dark hole that’s hard to get out of

[KayC]

20 hours ago, frenchygirl said:

I'm so thankful you have some peace. I wear one of my loves' favorite t-shirts to bed every night. I talk to his picture as I lay down to sleep. I'm thankful we have those little things that are special to our hearts that help us remember. I feel like we are so lucky to have had a glimpse of what true love is. I will never forget how he made me feel or the way he made me laugh. May we heal....but never forget....

We hear you and relate to everything you say more than you can know.  I'm glad you find comfort here, that's what this place is all about.  (((hugs)))

And OMG, depression and anxiety are heavily in my family's genes.