Can't relate to anyone

[mizori]

My girlfriend killed herself 2 and a half months ago. 

I can't relate to anyone if I try to talk about it. We've only been together for a year and were still in the honeymoon / madly in love phase (at least I was). But I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Whenever I compare my situation with anyone who lost their partner after 10+ years I only feel jealous. Loss will always be painful but at least others had many years with their love. They've probably done all of the things they wanted to do together or had a child, I've never even reached that point. There are so many things we didn't get the chance to do (especially in the year of Covid). I've missed out on so many things and memories. 

I'm also mentally unstable which only makes it more difficult. I have no friends and I can't really talk to my family about it (tried but feels pointless). I don't have a job at the moment due to Covid so I don't have any sort of distraction there either. I'm stuck in my head 24/7. Everything feels meaningless. It probably feels like that to everybody who's experiencing grief but I don't even have anything to distract myself with and it's torture. I keep writing emails to support groups and post on forums like this but nothing helps. It's not enough. It's a distraction of 10 minutes, then I'm alone with my thoughts for the rest of the day again. I keep thinking about killing myself every hour and it's exhausting. I don't think it's fair that someone else has such an influence on my life but I don't know how I'm supposed to escape those thoughts. 

I need advice. Anything that you can't find by simply googling it, that could actually help in my situation. 

[jmmosley53]

Hello Mizori,

I am sorry you are in so much pain.  I wish I knew something to say that would help take your pain away, but I just don't know that there is anything.  

Please do not harm yourself.  Because of your unique experience you could be of help to people at this site.  People who lost their loved ones only days ago could benefit from the knowledge you have gained coping for these last 2 months.

 

[Perro J]

Hi Mizori,

It was cancer that claimed my love four and a half months ago. I lost a couple of childhood friends to suicide along with a couple of coworkers during my life too. You are realizing that you did not simply lose her - you also lost that potential future together. I was with my love for less than three years and I wanted so much more with her. I wept every day for a couple of months. Now I can go for a couple days in a row without crying. It has improved despite it still being painful. I am resigning myself to the idea that I will never get an answer as to why this had to happen. I understand the idea about killing myself - in my mind it is about "leaving to catch up with her". I don't do it because I am certain it is not what she wants me to do. I know this feels unbearable right now but please steel yourself to the idea that passing through this pain is a mandatory part of it - and it will take longer than any of us want it to.

The important part of what I want to say to you is this: It will get more manageable in time. I can't tell you exactly how long it will take. There might be some ups and downs along the way. In time, it will be less of a load to bear.

Stay in this world.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, that anyone ever has to go through this.  I encourage you to look for a support group for suicide survivors.  Every grief journey is as unique as our relationships were, and us as individuals.  As a result we can't give you a specific timeline, but I can tell you that I felt much as you when I lost my George, it was a sudden unexpected death, he'd just turned 51 and was fit, just never saw it coming.

As has already been stated, we do get better at coping but it takes time, right now you're likely still in shock, don't know where to start.  I encourage you to give it time for you to learn how to do this journey, to see any ray of light whatsoever.  Look for signs in rainbows, or anything that would be meaningful to the two of you.  Talk to her, write a letter, journal, expressing yourself helps.  You've found this place and that's a start, knowing there is someone here that "gets it" and understands, someone that hears you.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[frenchygirl]

Mizori,

The love of my life committed suicide a month ago. Our story is a complicated one. We were both married to others. But he was my very best friend. I am dealing with much loss...a marriage, a home, my best friend and love, my job and a hope of a future. Man, I get it. The pain is completely unbearable at times. I, too, have thought of ending my life. But I think about how much pain he left behind and I don't do it. I can't add pain to pain. I choose to celebrate the love that we had...yes, my hopes of a future with him are gone. He had told me he knew how he was going to propose to me and what my ring looked like...those are things I'll never know. But I feel so special to have had a love like we had. I miss him daily and sometimes I just sob. Sitting is awful. My thoughts envelope me. I have started seeing a counselor and I also went to my regular doctor for medicine. People say "one day at a time"....shoot, I have to take one min at a time some days.

[KayC]

@frenchygirl  I am so sorry.  You are undoubtedly going through disenfranchised grief, see here: https://www.socialworker.com/feature-articles/practice/disenfranchised-grief-when-grief-and-grievers-are-unrecogniz/

You won't find anything but compassion here and I encourage you continue coming here, it's good to express yourself, part of the processing our grief.  We want to be here for you!  I do hope you'll save the article I listed above on tips for grievers.

What you had with him some never have or know, I also lost my soulmate and best friend, the only one who ever truly loved me and I him!

This site also has a section on suicide survivors, you might want to post there also.