Despairing

[LMR]

I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't want this life without him.

I still cannot accept that he has gone. It feels so wrong. He has just disappeared. I need to go and find him. Deep down I feel so sure he is still here, somewhere, but lost, kidnapped, stolen.
I know I have said this before but it is as if I had never known there was such a thing as dying. I am bewildered, nothing makes sense. 
I can't even explain properly how I feel. It is such a strong feeling. Maybe I am going crazy. 
More than anything I want to know that he is safe.

[jmmosley53]

Hello LMR,

I too have felt bewildered by the loss of my husband.  It is surreal that he is gone and I am left behind. 

That being said, I am concerned about your need to go find your loved one, that you may think they are lost or stolen.  I do not think you are crazy, I think you might be depressed.  If you have a trusted doctor you may want to discuss your feelings and thoughts with them.

I would never say anyone has to accept the loss of a loved one but, it is not safe for you to go looking for them.

[Missy1]

7 hours ago, LMR said:

I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't want this life without him.

I still cannot accept that he has gone. It feels so wrong. He has just disappeared. I need to go and find him. Deep down I feel so sure he is still here, somewhere, but lost, kidnapped, stolen.
I know I have said this before but it is as if I had never known there was such a thing as dying. I am bewildered, nothing makes sense. 
I can't even explain properly how I feel. It is such a strong feeling. Maybe I am going crazy. 
More than anything I want to know that he is safe.

I feel this way every day! I live in this plane but also in his plane. I want more than anything in the world to be with him. I know he is right here, waiting for me. I feel him but having to endure this life without his embrace, his laughter his love and companionship is more then I can take some days. I cry and pray for my time to come quickly. I love and respect that I have to finish up what is left here and want to honor his life with me. It doesn’t help much, I hope you can see that there are many who feel the same, it’s quite normal. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, LMR said:

Deep down I feel so sure he is still here, somewhere

He is here, he is inside your heart.  Our way of interacting with them may have changed, but I don't believe they're very far from us.

While you may not be at this place yet, you might want to save this for later....

What it Means to ‘Change Your Relationship With Grief’

 

There are things that you get over in life. For example a cold, your first breakup, or an argument with a good friend. More often than not, these things happen, they cause temporary misery, maybe you learn from it, and then you let bygones be bygones. Many experiences follow a similar pattern and with good reason. There are things we can and should leave in the past for the benefit of everyone, just imagine how much pain and negativity we’d all carry around if we could never forget and move on.

That said, it is a mistake to think that all painful experiences can and should be gotten over. There are times when such a shift simply isn’t possible – people can’t always change the way they think, feel, and behave simply because they want to. It’s common to think that, in these instances, one can go to therapy or take medication and be cured of these problems, but many people who’ve experienced things like serious hardship, trauma, addiction, and psychological disorder will tell you that healing isn’t about putting these experiences in the past, rather it’s about changing their relationship to the related thoughts, memories, behaviors, and emotions that exist in the present.

There are also times when ‘getting over’ something or ‘forgetting’ isn’t even desirable, such as getting over or forgetting about a deceased loved one and their ongoing absence. Still, many people mistakenly think that grief is something that can and should end at some point. Those who understand grief in hindsight may think this is a foolish mistake, but I would argue it’s common and understandable considering how little people know about grief before experiencing it. Especially those who live in societies where people are quick to believe that grief runs a linear and finite course and, as a consequence, encourage grieving people to push forward and let the woes of the past disappear like water under the bridge.

The reality of grief is that it often stays with you until the day you, yourself, die. For those who think of grief as being all negative emotion, I can see where this may seem unmanageable, but rest assured the impact of grief changes over time. As you change your relationship with grief – by changing how you respond to, cope with, and conceptualize grief – you will likely also find hope and healing. If you think about it, grief is one instance where there is a strong benefit to accepting its ongoing presence in your life because doing so creates more room for comfort, positive memories, and an ongoing connection with the person who died.

I understand this progression because I’ve experienced it, but I’m sure it can be difficult to believe if you haven’t. Initially, I thought about writing a post titled something like ‘5 Ways Your Relationship With Grief Changes Overtime’, but then I changed my mind. Grief is unique, relationships are unique and so your relationship with grief and with the person who died will evolve in a complex and nuanced way.  So, instead of generalizing and categorizing, I’m going to share how my relationship with grief changed over time.  At the end, please share your own insights about how your relationship with grief has or has not changed in the comment’s section.

At first I tried to outrun, wait out, hide from, and ignore grief.

Eventually, I realized my grief wasn’t going anywhere so I could either run from it forever or give in and experience it.  Once the cloud of grief consumed me, it was hard to see or feel anything else.  This sucked but only slightly more than the running.

In the early days of grief, it felt like all the light had been drained from the world and everything was dark.  But as the fog of acute grief thinned, a little bit of light crept in and things started to look a little less scary and a little more manageable.

I grew less intimidated by my grief and increasingly confident in my ability to handle its ups and downs, twists, and turns.  Once I was able to look grief head on, I realized it’s made up of both good things and bad.  Grief grows from the same seeds as love so after someone dies, one seldom exists without the other.

Over time my relationship with grief has changed.  I see it now as something as nuanced, complex, and beautiful as my relationships with those who have died.  Though its ongoing presence is sometimes challenging, I embrace it because it’s a source of love and connection with those who have died.

---What’s Your Grief
https://whatsyourgrief.com/changing-your-relationship-with-grief/

 

My Footnote:

At first I was in shock, terrified, anxious.  Friends disappeared, adding to the hurt and confusion.  I felt alone, abandoned and didn’t know a roadmap through this.  I tried rebuilding my life but was thick in grief fog, no clarity of thought and everything I tried was disastrous.  It took much time to process my grief, but I did, through allowing myself to feel the emotions, pain and all, and not trying to cover them up or rush through this.

I found that grief is not 100% negative, but there’s benefits to having gone through this.  I began to look at life and death differently.  Rather than hating my loss and grief, I began to see the benefits of  having experienced this.  I became more empathetic, more able to help someone else going through it (comforting with the same comfort God has comforted us), I began to appreciate each day and value life as a gift and live in the present moment.  I found purpose again. 

I’ve discovered that grief isn’t for a set period of time, but is with me for life, although it evolves throughout my journey and changes form.  I’m no longer afraid of it, it has become my constant companion as I’ve learned to coexist with grief.

Little by little I’ve built a life I can live.  Finding balance, interaction with others, and solitude, time with my furry family.  Activities, not to crowd out the pain, but to experience life even with its changes.

One of the benefits as I’ve had to tackle life and its decisions on my own is the confidence its built.

I’ve given myself permission to smile and realized that it is not my grief that binds me to him, but our love, and that continues still.

 

 

[LMR]

I think my head will explode. I am so lost. I have nothing without him. I cant even make a sandwich without becoming overwhelmed with confusion.I still cannot understand.

I try. I go to the store, I go out for coffee with friends. I talk and listen and all the while I am thinking he should be here. And when I get home I cry and cry until my head hurts.

Four months and not a tiny bit better.

[KayC]

It doesn't get better that soon in, you're still in the stunned stage.  You'l get better at adjusting with time...much time but a certain amount of it we live with.  (((hugs)))

[Gail 8588]

LMR, 

I felt the same way. I thought I was losing my mind.  I was very dependent on my husband and I was completely lost without him.  My mind was not functioning well.  I could not see any path forward. I often felt I was falling in a black hole.  I honestly didn't see how a person in my condition could sustain life. I was in so much pain, I thought getting hit by a bus (or any traumatic event) could not cause me any additional pain. I was at the maximum I could endure. 

Exhaustion would finally bring sleep. 

Then I would go through the motions of what a living person would do. Shower, dress, eat . . . Sometimes it was hard to remember what living people do. 

But I just kept going. Trying to find my way back to life.  For me it was a very long journey but I really think I have made it back to life. 

I am still incomplete without John, and life is more difficult without him, but life is worth living. I do experience joy, laughter, fun.  Things that were unimaginable the first few years. 

I know your dispair is real and powerful now. I don't know anyway to avoid it, I think you have to just keep rolling through it.  But keep breathing, try to do the things living people do, keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you will find you have made your way back to life. 

Gail

[Dawn Lee]

Im still searching. Wondering if I should start dating. I feel so lost. What will dating be like?? I am so depressed as Christmas approaches . I understand your pain. 

[LMR]

I am just having so much difficulty believing he is gone. I keep asking myself how this can possibly be true that it just doesn't make any sense at all.

He is me and I am him.

[Gail 8588]

LMR, 

It is so hard the first year.  I am so sorry you are feeling so lost. I had that feeling for a long time and it is hard to do anything. 

Your brain is trying to comprehend what has happened.  All of your life has changed. It takes time  to come out of the brain fog. To find a way to live without your love.  

This first Christmas will be sad and with covid probably lonelier than most. Just try to get through as best you can.  Know that he would not want you to be miserable all the time, so try to take in moments of beauty. 

Hugs, 

Gail

 

[Gail 8588]

Dawn Lee, 

Everyone is different and has different circumstances.  If you feel ready to date, then it is probably right for you.  Trust your instincts on when you are ready to do things.

Just beware that there are some men who really do target widows, knowing they are especially vulnerable and easy to take advantage of.  Try to stay with people you know or who are recommended by people you know well. 

I would avoid internet dating as too risky. Just my opinion. 

Good luck to you. 

Gail

[MODArtemis2019]

On 11/29/2020 at 2:01 PM, LMR said:

More than anything I want to know that he is safe.

Me too exactly. I wrote in my journal "If I just knew he was ok, I could be alright for the rest of my life."

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Dawn Lee, 

Everyone is different and has different circumstances.  If you feel ready to date, then it is probably right for you.  Trust your instincts on when you are ready to do things.

Just beware that there are some men who really do target widows, knowing they are especially vulnerable and easy to take advantage of.  Try to stay with people you know or who are recommended by people you know well. 

I would avoid internet dating as too risky. Just my opinion. 

Good luck to you. 

Gail

Agreed.  And I had to learn the hard way, I caution against dating too soon when you don't yet have clarity of mind.  There DEFINITELY are some that target and take full advantage of the widowed that are vulnerable.  It's not a situation you want into.  It's good to be used to living alone, just you, before throwing something else into the mix.  It can take much time to get there.  In other words, to enter a relationship too soon just because you want to avoid being alone is probably a wrong motivation.  Wait until you are healthy inside first.

[Dawn Lee]

I do not want to date divorced men. I hoping for a widower. I do not want to deal with drama of exes, child custody issues, ect. Hoping to find a good hearted man who still loves his deceased wife. Who still misses her. Who still dreams of her. Who has an amazing family that will accept me. Just wishing.