Lost my GF (30) of 11 years 3d ago and the pain is unbearable

[charlie1190]

Hey all,

my GF passed away 3d ago out of nowhere, sudden death, no one could see it coming, and the void that she left is so big that I simply can’t understand it.

We were dating for 11 years now, and had just started to look for houses to move in as she finally after so many tries managed to get a job, on the day of her death she called me to speak about a house we were going to visit and she was so freakin happy, also she had achieved an incredible mile in her objective roadmap and I was so happy for her, what I always wanted more than anything was to make her happy and to make her smile.

She would always say she had to try 3/4 times because the world was always against her despite her always being the most positive and happy person to be around with, I just start to cry whenever I think of this, she was literally the best person I knew, so pure, so good to literally everyone, there was never a drop of mean intentions or anything with her and I would always say this to her, I mean always literally.

When we started dating we used to say, forever is a long time, but 11 years later our forever was really truthful and the most sincere I can think of.

I’m completely at a loss now, I can only imagine her smile and how the world somehow fucked her and I couldn’t do anything in my power to shield her as I promised, I promised I would always protect her from everything and I did, but even still something took her away from me.

I was always the most ambitious of us two, and she always said that even if I was poor she would still love me, I came from nothing and I worked so hard to be where I am now, but I always knew, there would be some event along the way that would make every effort and every result seem pointless, I always thought of this as some disease with me, some really unfortunate event or anything really, but happening directly to me, and in the end, this is what happened, I would trade every conquest to get her back, I would give everything up to have her back, to hug her 1second more, to have a glimpse of her smile, literally anything.

I never thought about death and the actual dying, I used to fear a bit like everyone and be afraid of it, but now it’s just not there anymore, it’s so strange.

She would make jokes on how she wanted to go before me because she knew I could endure the pain and she knew for sure she wouldn’t, but this is so so hard, what makes me suffer more is how she always said the world would make it hard on her and she never backed down and I was always there to shield her, but even still we got run over out of nowhere.

She will always be the love of my life, and the void she left will be eternal, whenever we meet again sometime in another life, I’ll make sure I’ll charge her all the kisses and hugs we took away from each other when she left so early.

If you’re reading this from somewhere, know that I’ll be forever yours.

Thank you and sorry for the long vent.

[LoveNeverDies]

I understand your pain, I lost the love of my life, my soulmate two days ago. It all seems like a bad nightmare. I miss him so much , it hurts so bad. 

[KayC]

Charlie, I am so sorry, my husband's death was also unexpected/sudden.  It left me in shock, full blown anxiety, I didn't see how I could live a week without him, yet here I still am, 15 1/2 months later.

11 years is a long time to share in life together to suddenly lose her unexpectedly!  My husband had just turned 51, he looked in great shape, this was truly a shock.  Shock prevents us from full bore butt when that leaves we are gut punched at our reality.  I want you to know that the intensity of pain will gradually lessen in time, it doesn't always stay the same, even though we continue to love, grieve, miss them the rest of our lives.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Diane R. E.]

I'm so sorry for both of your losses. My husband passed away almost 8 weeks ago, but I remember how incredibly hard those first few days and weeks were. The article from Kay helped me tremendously, and I hope it does you. Also reading other people's posts and replying if you choose to has been helpful because you realize everyone here knows what it's like and really care. ((Hugs))

[charlie1190]

thank you everyone for your kind words, I will absolutely follow some of KayC and others advice, regarding speaking to a therapist, does any1 think it should help? I'm all down for it if I see it being beneficial, how was everyone's experience on it?

thank you all once again for the love and support.

[JohnS]

Charlie, I would never tell someone I know exactly what you are going through. With that said, I can say that I know something about losing a girlfriend suddenly. My girlfriend - we'd been together for 29 years - died suddenly 4 days ago. We'd always maintained our own separate homes, and on Wednesday one of her neighbors called me to tell me something wasn't right at my girlfriend's apartment. I drove to her apartment and I found her dead on the floor. It seems it was a burst aorta blood vessel wall. No symptoms. Just one of those things that sometimes happens. I am beyond devastated. I wonder when I'll ever feel better. I did post what happened on Facebook, and the many kind and supportive responses from my FB friends has helped. But I know it will be a long, difficult journey to find my way out of this. I don't have any good advice for you because I'm going through the shock and grief as I type this response to you. Just know that you aren't alone in this horrible time.

[KayC]

@JohnS  Welcome here.  You are right, everyone's love and loss is as unique to them as their relationship.  We can know something of what someone is experiencing, as we've been there (or are there) but while there may be similarities, there is also a uniqueness to each one.

While no one can tell you WHEN it will happen, "better" being a very relative term, we do get better at coping eventually and the unthinkable happens, we become more used to this.  It seems unfathomable, but in a way it's good that we do as no one can live with these intense feelings indefinitely, it's too much.  

I hope you will save my article as this is an ever evolving journey and while something may not strike you now, it may later on down the road.  I hope both of you will continue to come here, it really can help to express yourself to those who "get it."  My family/friends did not, being as they still had their spouses.

[JohnS]

KayC, thank you for your response. I will save your article.

[KayC]

You're all in my prayers.

[charlie1190]

I buried her yesterday, and the pain just keeps going higher, I really can’t handle this, I’m always asking her to take me with her and that’s as sincere as it can be.

I’m having dreams where she’s alive in one stage, then moments later I already knew she passed.

This is all so hard, the pain is just too much, and it’s not about me, what hurts me more is knowing she won’t be able to fulfill her dreams, that rips my heart out in 1001 different ways.

I just wish that no one has to go through this during their life, I never felt so powerless and insignificant at the same time.

[JohnS]

Charlie1190, I guess our day yesterday was on a parallel track. I also buried my girlfriend yesterday. We only did the graveside ceremony, as neither her sister nor I felt up to doing the wake and reception, both for personal grief reasons and because of COVID. I ended up hugging a few people at graveside - masks on - because, well, I had to. And now this morning I feel bad because I hope those few I hugged don't feel worried about COVID.

I won't write these words like I can know exactly how you feel - I can't. But in the midst of your despair just know that there are a number of us trying to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other, as you are. My GF and I are "senior citizens", so it's more about our history than building a future together. But she'd moved into this lovely apartment 3 years ago after selling her house, and she just loved that apartment and the new friends she'd made, and it hurts me that she won't have a lot more years to enjoy that apartment. Some cousins came by the apartment after the service and took some things they liked. And I'm glad for them to have them. But so much in her apartment triggers memories for me. Those wall hangings that I helped her buy...and hung for her in her apartment. Her sister and I have a lot of work to do to empty the apartment, and it will be rough.

My sleep habits have been worthless for the past 8 days. Fell asleep on the couch watching TV after getting home from yesterday's awful activities. Then half asleep till about 1 am, then went to my bed but couldn't go back to sleep. Stayed up reading till 3 am or so, then some sleep till 6:30 am when I got up. One of these days I gotta just crash and sleep for about 12 hours. I hope that happens.

The whole damn thing sucks, and I have no answers for you but to try, like I'm trying, to fight through each day. Keep coming back here to write and read. I'm going to seek out a professional therapist to help me sort out some of my stuff.

Your last line about wishing no one had to go through this. I'm with you. But the truth is that many do, and maybe you and I can take from our horrible experiences something that enables us to help someone else down the road - once we are able to get our own ships righted.

Hang in there. Just know, for whatever little it helps, that you are NOT making this journey alone.

 

[KayC]

I'm so sorry.