I don't know

[BBB]

I see many of the people that post here and it's a mixed bag of feelings, emotions and hope. For me, I just can't see the light honestly. My therapist constantly tells me that in time I can live beautifully and joyfully but honestly I don't see how. I derived my happiness from my wife and now that she's gone, I just can't see any happiness coming without her here. It's a daily struggle.

 

[LoveNeverDies]

I’m so sorry B , I understand the grief that you’re going through . It’s an emptiness, and a yearning for someone that we can’t have back. I hope time eases your pain.

[KayC]

On 11/29/2020 at 6:07 AM, BBB said:

My therapist constantly tells me that in time I can live beautifully and joyfully

Has your therapist ever lost their spouse?  That seems a bit overstated, but we can eventually smile and build a life again, but never is it the same.  Sorry, I'm honest and believe in delivering it as I see it...been there.  It took me years to process his death, years more to find purpose, and years more yet to build a life I could live...then came COVID and undid that in a blink of an eye.  I'm not sure our lives will ever be back pre-COVID but I hope so.  But pre-their-death?  Nope.  Still I want you to know you can have good in your life if you're open to it.

@LoveNeverDies  I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, BBB said:

My therapist constantly tells me that in time I can live beautifully and joyfully but honestly I don't see how.

I truly wish your therapist would not do that just now.  You are so early in your grief journey that of course you can't see any light or joy in your future.  This grief journey is long with twists and turns (u-turns even), unexpected hills to climb, and sneaky, dark traps.  I don't like to use the words "better" or "easier," but the truth is that I have gotten better at coping and find many days to be easier than they were 2 years ago.

It took me nearly 2 full years to truly believe that I could be happy in any way ever again.  Though I know I will never be happy in the way I was before, I can look back now at nearly 2-1/2 years and see that I have taken small steps forward, slowly and often painfully, toward that little bit of happiness, especially in being able to remember all that was good, kind, sweet, and loving about our life together.  I am starting to remember just how lucky I was that we found each other and that he loved me, faults and all, right from our first date.  It is a rare and precious gift to have that, so it's all the harder when we lose our soulmates.

It's my belief that your therapist is wrong to push you toward seeing so far down the road.  Right now is the time to focus on today and the very near future.  It is not the time to contemplate "the rest of your life."

[jmmosley53]

I agree with the others "in time" is a relative term.  In time mountains will crumble into the sea.  I'm not saying you will never be happy or have joy in your life, I think that is something we will have to find.  I don't believe we will wake up one day and be joyful

[KayC]

I agree 100% with foreverhis' response.  Now it's enough to get through today and remember to breathe, take a sip of water.  I STILL have to live this way as much as I can, I can't handle way down the road, today has enough of its own to deal with.