No one to call

[Nocall]

That is one of the things I miss the most. Calling at the end of the day to say I am on the way home. She will never answer the telephone again. 

[Kncanterbury]

I am so sorry for your loss. But I also know how it feels. My David, when he got up, for work would always answer the last text I sent before he went to sleep. And now not hearing his text tone again hurts so much. 

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  I'm both sorry you have to be here and glad you found this wonderful forum.  The members here truly get it in ways that the others in our lives usually do not or cannot.

Missing the check-in calls, little texts here and there, opening the door and saying, "I'm home." and having the person we love most in the world answer us are some of the harder moments for so many of us.  I think people often don't realize how much those small things add to our grief.  They are some of the hardest things to get used to in our new reality because they were the small threads that wove our lives together, each and every day.

We live in a semi-rural area.  If I was ever in town (the small city 12 miles away from our little coastal community) on my own and was going to be later than I expected, I would call and let my husband know so he wouldn't worry.  He'd say, "Be careful coming home," not because he thinks I'm a lousy driver (in fact, I'm an excellent one), but because it's a two-lane road and people drive too fast most of the time.  Or if he was at the store, he might call to check in and ask if I needed anything. If we were together, but separated, at the farmer's market, I might call him and say, "Come over here and check out these strawberries (or whatever)" and he would wend his way to me, often carrying something delicious he had bought to take home.  And on and on, so many that we almost, but not quite, take for granted that he or she will always be there at the other end of the phone or when we walk in the door.  I still miss that security.  I always will.

When our daughter had our granddaughter, I couldn't be there because, oops, we forgot that babies come when they want to (in this case, 3-1/2 week early) and not on their due dates.  I had to have surgery and we planned it around when I'd be able to fly again based on 1 week before her due date.  By the time I was allowed to fly, Seattle was in the midst of the worse winter weather in 60 years.  Only mail, packages, and emergency personnel were getting in or out--and even those were iffy.  I was so thankful that my love was there for our daughter and newly minted granddaughter.  He stayed more than a month, in part because he couldn't get home and in part--the larger part--because he wanted to be there with our girls.  Every day, we'd talk multiple times because we couldn't bear to not hear each other's voices and talk about our day.  That was the longest time we were ever apart in 35 years and it was only tolerable because of the exact situation.  But when the phone would ring, I'd rush to answer it because it might be my love calling just to check in for the third time that day.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I'm afraid I don't.  All I can tell you, maybe a glimmer of hope for the future, is that it gets easier to cope. The missing of things, little and big, isn't always right there front and center.  Instead, for me at least and over 2+ years, the edges have softened and I've really begun to incorporate everything, not just the pain of missing, but also the joy of having him, into my thoughts and images of my love.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Nocall said:

That is one of the things I miss the most. Calling at the end of the day to say I am on the way home. She will never answer the telephone again. 

I am so sorry that you too are going through this, but I'm glad you found your way here.  We are listening.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Mulelady]

Foreverhis....my living area seems similar to yours.....rural farm....no neighbors...15 miles from closest town. We worked together every day, so the moments where we might call each other ...were infrequent....but our connection never ending.  In my case now....I don't get that few odd hours that others were used to him being at work or out of sight....now I have the 24/7 daily silence and pain of his loss.  We were so mentally connected....talked like two old HS girlfriends....but discussing problems, issues, projects , ideas. I certainly loved everything about him....but in this case...he actually loved and cared for my input ...and praised my solutions ( the opposite of my first marriage )...so it's been a difficult adjustment for me.  Having someone, your love, care about your well-being .....and vise versa....is a devastating loss. 

When he was with Hospice and I might have run a few errands....he had missed me right away and called. Sometimes , due to our rural cell service , he'd get VM.....so I still have the last few times he phoned me.....and one when he said he loved me.  I haven't gone there in awhile....I do love knowing it's there....but it's also painful to hear it. 

[Nocall]

I have 2 telephone calls on my home phone. She had called during her previous hospitalization. I listened to the messages once since she died. I am glad I will be able to play the messages again when I am ready.

[Kncanterbury]

Those are very special now and will become more so the longer you have them. I myself have two short videos of my love. Sometimes I listen to them over and over and other times it hurts too much to know that’s the only time I’ll hear his voice again. 

[KayC]

I'm ten miles from the nearest town but 50 miles from shopping.  But do have neighbors, we all have acreage but aren't far apart.  

My cell phone lost all his messages, so did my ans.machine, it literally broke my heart when I discovered it.

[Nocall]

I just told one if her sisters that there might not be enough money for cremation. She had not contacted her sister in years. My coworkers and her daughter are trying to raise money. I hope somehow to get enough. Cheapest cremation this area $1395.00 up front. I have awful credit so forget borrowing. This is the same sister who contacted me to get a death certificate a few days after she died. Oh well. Live has to go on. In the end it will all be up to me to make decisions. It is hard but I will do it. 
 

 

[Kncanterbury]

Family can be horrible during these times. Especially when you are not married to the person. It’s like they are my entire world and you are concerned about money. My loves family has been terrible to me and yet they have failed to be able to make time to get to his gravesite. But they have spent about $20,000 worth of savings but no headstone. Death seriously brings out the worst in people. 

[Nocall]

I did not expect any money from her. She is a stranger. I know who was important to my wife and who will be a support in the future. The important people will trust my decisions.

[KayC]

This is when there should be a GoFundMe.  I am sorry for everything you're going through.

[Mulelady]

Suggestion about old VM.....I had mine copied / saved ( easy on an iPhone ) . If it were a land phone....I’d do some research for options....or simply copy it as playing to your iPhone ? 

Cremation Costs.  As I’m told ....it used to be quite affordable....but as people moved away from traditional burial.....and more cremation....the cost has climbed.  The quote above seems “ normal “ based on my experience last year.  At first I called around the area  and was shocked at simple cremation with zero services  in rural area ! So I went on line and discovered sources by state ....quotes 1/3 rd.  I was given a choice and selected a source about 100 miles away....she only was the information source....helped me pick the best option for me.  I was able to completely arrange everything on an online account for me a year in advance....no cost up front.  I had no idea what was actually ahead ....but I was grateful I didn’t have to manage that decision at the most uncomfortable time.  

One suggestion for those with limited finances.....my Hospice mentioned there was a local source ( can’t recall if it was county, or private group ) that would provide cremation for modest fee or even free.....so worth asking helpful sources. 

[KayC]

My current answ. machine does save indefinitely but my old one recorded over it, it hadn't occurred to me until it was too late.    Good suggestions, @Mulelady!

[Nocall]

I keep hoping things will work out. That is the best I can do. 

[Nocall]

I have a big weight off me tonight. My coworkers collected more money than I ever thought they would so I was able to pay for her cremation. Nothing will bring her back. I still will not have a death certificate for awhile longer but at least I feel I have done my best for both of us.

[Kncanterbury]

It’s nice to know you have such an amazing work family. 

[Jacx]

I’ve been following along too, I’m so glad to see you got some support. [emoji3590]

[Nocall]

Relief. 

[KayC]

I am so glad!  It will be good to have her ashes with you.