Words

[Yoli]

Ok so I seem to try but not succeed in telling people just how horrendous this experience is. What I get back is always a comparison or a 'I sense you are angry I still have a partner and can carry on my life'. It is bad enough losing her but there were all the other things, organising the service, authorising an autopsy, closing her bank accounts and claiming life insurance, cancelling her tax number - all the business side. Then more importantly there is the trauma of witnessing that last morning, having to give a police interview, hand over her phone to the police, see them in the ambulance pumping on her chest, being allowed into the ambulance afterwards to be with her, calling her family overseas, my family, friends. Then there is the black hole where my heart used to be. The aloneness, empty, lonely, silence. Companionship, best friend, comfort, advice, future plans, retirement, love, the person  I looked after, the person who looked after me, all gone. Waiting on the sideline until others are finished with their partners/family to have time for you. The hope that it is all just a bad dream.....I AM READY TO WAKE UP NOW. Not just the emotional feeling of grief but the physical feeling as well. The pit of despair when you just want to be with your loved one, you plead with them to come and get you. You look at the sleeping pills the doctor prescribed. You feel that you would be grieved for a while but not like the anguished way you grieve for your partner, the other half of you. You saw the way people quickly got on with their lives and figure that's what they would do again.

The fact that just because I am not sitting in front of you crying doesn't mean I am ok or anywhere near it. I am still broken into a million pieces.

Would people really hear these words, I mean really hear?

[KayC]

Oh Yoli, I hear you...we've all felt the same place you are right now, it's the hardest thing in the world.  I'm glad I didn't have to deal with police or handing over his phone.  I'm so sorry for those going through this during COVID, I can't imagine it harder than it was when I went through losing him, but I imagine it is with those who can't have a regular funeral or get hugs.