Young widow

[Youngwidow26]

I recently lost my wife a couple weeks ago to an intoxicated driver. This is my first day here.

 

-Nicole

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[KayC]

I am so sorry, you must feel very much in shock!  I want to welcome you to our group and hope you will continue to come here and post/read.  It really does help to express yourself to others that "get it" and we do.  My husband and I didn't meet until our mid-40s but he was my soulmate and love of my life, my best friend.  He was barely 51 when he suddenly and unexpectedly died, I thought we had a minimum of another 20 years together yet...no.  My world was pulled out from under me...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Perro J]

My sincere condolences. I hope you find some relief here. I don't wish this on anyone but now that you are here - welcome.

[jmmosley53]

Hello,

I am very sorry for your loss.  I wanted to share with you that some days we feel strong and other days we feel crushed.  

I was hoping I would experience a steady improvement but at 7 months of grief I have peaks and valleys.  Because of this site I realize that however I feel is okay.  I am allowed to have bad days, and I can come here and read, or post, or just cry.

Because others have shared their experiences I realize I am not going insane - I am sad.  And I am sad for a good reason.

[HimandIWereOne]

I also lost the love of my life at 48. Our kids moved out to college that same month and we had so so many plans. We met when I was 17 and by this time we were like one person. He died at home on August 31, 2020 and when it happened, the police took me to a mental hospital because I just felt that I wanted to die too. I realized that I have to be here for our kids. Even if they are older. I am just now gathering up courage to write things down. Otherwise, i just laid in bed. I still cry every single day, but I can tell that I am able to cope a little better. This is my first post and I think that it will help you and me both.

[KayC]

@HimandIWereOne  Welcome here, I wish you had no reason though, this is the hardest journey I've ever embarked on.  I do hope you'll save my article (above) as this journey is ever evolving and what doesn't stand out to you today may speak to you on down the road.  (((hugs)))