I feel so empty after suicide of boyfriend

[Ladyb]

It’s been about 7 months since my boyfriend committed suicide in our apartment. We were together 13 years and share an 8 yr old daughter. He had attempted suicide before but always backed out so I never thought he would do it again being that he appeared happy and didn’t say anything about it even up to the day. I still find myself struggling just to make it through the day, it’s like I relive the same day it occurred over and over I can’t eat I can’t sleep I can’t listen to music he liked or even look at his pictures without having a massive crying attack to make matters worse his family blamed me for his death and completely shut me out and I wasn’t given any information on his service or even given any ashes after being cremated. I lost the apartment we shared and the family tried to take my daughter away from me because they didn’t believe his suicide note. His belongings and our things we shared together make it hard to not think about them but I can’t bring myself to get rid of his things.I don’t know how to move on with any part of my life. I desperately miss our future plans of marriage(I later found out on his phone the same day he was looking at engagement rings)expanding of family and major life events we won’t share and it makes me feel even more shitty cause I’m not even the mom my daughter deserves cause it’s like I can’t function as a regular person and she’s grieving too. I feel so empty and like a shell of a person I have days where I just wanna be with him but I’m literally all my baby has but I feel like I’m living in hell

[jmmosley53]

Hello LadyB,

I am very sorry for yours and your daughter's loss.  It must be especially hard to come to grips with the manner of your boyfriend's death. 

I know what you mean when you talk about feeling like a shell.  It is like a piece of your heart is missing leaving a void in you but.....that is not exactly true.  The love you and your boyfriend HAD is still a HAVE.  It goes on.  We don't stop loving so nothing is really missing except his physical presence in your life. 

Being in the 7th month of my grief too, I imagine that like me, the enormity of what has happened is only now sinking in.  We are still very fragile emotionally.

It is a shame his family is shutting you out.  Perhaps they need more time to deal with their own grief, later you might ask on behalf of your loved ones daughter to be giving cremains. as his heir she has rights.  But that can wait.  So can doing anything with your beloved's belongs.  If you feel that seeing them is too painful, put them in a box.  Later when you are ready you can sort though them.  Death is for a very long time so do not rush yourself.

I am sure you are doing your very best for your daughter.  I have no children so I am not qualified to give any advise how to care for a child while grieving.

Lastly, You aren't in a living hell.  You are here on Earth with us.  Your pain, worry, loneliness, fear it's a part of grieving.  Give yourself time to come to terms with what has happened.  It was a horrible life changing event and you need to focus on things like eating and sleeping, and doing only the required daily chores as needed.

 

[Gail 8588]

LadyB,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  

Cling to your daughter and reassure her you will always be there for her. It will do you both good to affirm that truth. 

Your love lives on in you and your daughter. 

Try not to look too far ahead. Just focus on what you need to do today.  One day at a time is struggle enough. 

Gail 

[KayC]

@Ladyb  I am so sorry for your loss, and that he left you alone to raise your child.  I sincerely hope you'll reach out for grief counseling.  Also tell your doctor what's going on so they can help you as this affects every aspect of our lives.  Of course you don't feel any oomph right now, it takes so long to process their death, it took me years, and years more to find purpose and years more yet to build a life I can live.  Gail is right, just stay in today...ONE DAY AT A TIME has become my motto!

Try to muster deep inside of you for the tiniest strength to go on for your daughter's sake.  His family is dishonoring him by shutting you out like this, I'm sorry, a further blow you didn't need.  That you were together so long and they're doing this...people aren't at their best when they're grieving, but this is unacceptable.  I hope you can protect your daughter from their venom.

You might want to seek a group of suicide survivor friends/family, I think there's a suicide section here too.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Eugene Myers]

That's how long I was with my spouse. Came home and found her collapsed in the shower. Devastating. Two weeks ago. Hoping to find a way forward. Be encouraged. There is life after all this grief and disappointment. Don't give in to the overwhelming sorrow. Things will sooner or later get better. I'm fortunate to have helpful people near to help me cope. They can't carry this but they can keep my life moving forward while I mend. Be encouraged. Don't give in to despair. At some point you will come out of the stuck place you feel you are in. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Eugene Myers said:

That's how long I was with my spouse. Came home and found her collapsed in the shower. Devastating. Two weeks ago. Hoping to find a way forward. Be encouraged. There is life after all this grief and disappointment. Don't give in to the overwhelming sorrow. Things will sooner or later get better. I'm fortunate to have helpful people near to help me cope. They can't carry this but they can keep my life moving forward while I mend. Be encouraged. Don't give in to despair. At some point you will come out of the stuck place you feel you are in. 

I am very sorry for your loss.  Two weeks out I was still in shock!  Thank you for trying to console someone when you're in the middle of it too.  (((hugs)))

[Kncanterbury]

I am so sorry for what you experienced.  I was in the room when my soul mate pulled the trigger. It’s been 3 months now and there has not been a single day that I have not cried over his loss. He too was so happy and I never knew that he had a history of suicide. He didn’t leave a note and I didn’t think he was serious when he had the gun to his head. I figured )like with my ex husband) he was simply crying out for help, not that he was already past the point of being helped. We had an amazing trip planned for a month after his death and he was so excited to go that he was fixing the shocks and springs in his car the weekend before because he wanted to drive with the top down. God I miss him. Hope you and your daughter find the comfort you are needing.