An Unexpected Departure

[Meloncholy]

August 5, 2020 started like any other day. I went to work, drove my route and wondered why I hadn’t heard from my husband because he always checked in. I texted my son to see if he had seen him which he hadn’t. Ten minutes later my son called me back to break the news that his dad had been killed in a one vehicle crash. I screamed, I moaned and then I just went on auto pilot. I was so numb I just met each day with prayer, reading books and trying to stay busy. However, the past two weeks have been brutal as the harsh reality sets in. My son will return to college and I will be alone. I just need feedback on how to move forward and actually look forward to the days ahead.

 

 

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[Gail 8588]

Meloncholy, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  It may take quite awhile for the shock of losing your husband to subside.  Everyone's grief journey is different based on their own life experiences and situation.  I'll tell you a bit about my experience so far.

I drove home from work on an otherwise average day to find my husband colapsed in the yard from a stroke, and my life was changed forever. Like you,  I experienced an unexpected catastrophe.

 The entire first year and half I was a zombie. I felt no connection at all to this world. It was as if I was dead too and a robotic shell of me was awkwardly trying to go through the motions of my prior life. 

I retired from work and moved to be closer to one of my sons, as he and his wife were expecting their first child. The second year and half, I slowly came out of my numb, detached state and was racked with guilt, despair, fear, loneliness. I could not see any path to a new life for myself. But I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that countless numbers of others had suffered losses as great as mine and they did find their way back to life. So I just kept going. 

At year 3, I did feel a change. I felt more connected to the world.  I wanted to engage in life again. The pandemic has made that path more challenging than I ever could have imagined. But I can say, most of the time now, I do feel connected to life. I feel joy and sorrow about things around me (no longer just about the loss of my love).

Your path to finding your way back to life will be different from mine, and yours may be a much shorter path.  My point is not that it has taken me nearly 4 years to find my way, but rather that I feel like I have found my way back to life. 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don't despair that you can't see your way out of the dark abyss of grief. Know that others have found their way back to life and you can too.

Keep going, one day at a time. 

Gail

[Meloncholy]

Meloncholy, 
I am so sorry for your loss.  It may take quite awhile for the shock of losing your husband to subside.  Everyone's grief journey is different based on their own life experiences and situation.  I'll tell you a bit about my experience so far.
I drove home from work on an otherwise average day to find my husband colapsed in the yard from a stroke, and my life was changed forever. Like you,  I experienced an unexpected catastrophe.
 The entire first year and half I was a zombie. I felt no connection at all to this world. It was as if I was dead too and a robotic shell of me was awkwardly trying to go through the motions of my prior life. 
I retired from work and moved to be closer to one of my sons, as he and his wife were expecting their first child. The second year and half, I slowly came out of my numb, detached state and was racked with guilt, despair, fear, loneliness. I could not see any path to a new life for myself. But I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that countless numbers of others had suffered losses as great as mine and they did find their way back to life. So I just kept going. 
At year 3, I did feel a change. I felt more connected to the world.  I wanted to engage in life again. The pandemic has made that path more challenging than I ever could have imagined. But I can say, most of the time now, I do feel connected to life. I feel joy and sorrow about things around me (no longer just about the loss of my love).
Your path to finding your way back to life will be different from mine, and yours may be a much shorter path.  My point is not that it has taken me nearly 4 years to find my way, but rather that I feel like I have found my way back to life. 
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don't despair that you can't see your way out of the dark abyss of grief. Know that others have found their way back to life and you can too.
Keep going, one day at a time. 
Gail

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It makes you feel connected when you can share with someone who has traveled through that dark tunnel and seen the light on the other side. God bless you!


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[Gail 8588]

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers. 

Hugs

Gail

[KayC]

I am glad you found your way here although I wish you did not have reason to be...I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband's death was sudden/unexpected too, we'd met in our mid-40s and he had just turned 51 when he suddenly died.  To say it was a shock is an understatement. He was in every way my soulmate, the love of my life, my best friend.  I didn't see how I could live a week without him, but here I am, 15 1/2 years later.  In my family we live into our 90s, so I'm growing old alone.

It took me years to process his death, years more to find purpose, and years more yet to build a life I could live...the pandemic has pretty much shot all that down though.  I'm employing every survivor technique I've learned over the years...my daily motto is ONE DAY AT A TIME!  It has helped me to not look at the whole "rest of my life" (and I'm a planner so this was a new concept to me) and just do today.  Yes I have to plan for my budget, will, etc. but other than that I pretty much focus on today.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Coldhands]

I lost my husband suddenly in July, the day before we were leaving on vacation. I also was at work, my son found him in the yard.  The change of weather has been hard for me.  Life is going on, but it's not.  I read an article that said life is the anomaly, death is the norm.  Celebrate the life there was; helps at times. I read the responses, here. Very nice but I can't imagine feeling like this for years, that makes me more depressed. This is the first group I actually posted in because usually they make me cry. But your story is so similar to mine, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and maybe that is something.

[Meloncholy]

I lost my husband suddenly in July, the day before we were leaving on vacation. I also was at work, my son found him in the yard.  The change of weather has been hard for me.  Life is going on, but it's not.  I read an article that said life is the anomaly, death is the norm.  Celebrate the life there was; helps at times. I read the responses, here. Very nice but I can't imagine feeling like this for years, that makes me more depressed. This is the first group I actually posted in because usually they make me cry. But your story is so similar to mine, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and maybe that is something.

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I too have not posted elsewhere and reading the stories about finally feeling some normalcy in 4-5 years scares me to death. I don’t know how I could endure feeling like this for years. This was my second marriage and we had been together for 23 years and have a 20 year old son, I had when I was 43. It just feels better to talk to someone who knows my pain[emoji22]


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[KayC]

@Coldhands  Welcome to our site, I really hope you'll be back to read/post here, it helps to get it out and express it.  I'm very sorry for your loss; please don't feel it's like this for years, it is to an extent but it evolves and changes too, we couldn't handle this intensity for years, we get better at adjusting/coping as we go along.  The journey is the rest of our lives but it doesn't stay the same.  It's been 15 1/2 years for me, I still think of him every day, still love him and miss him, but when it first happened, it was a shock, I didn't know where to start.

[foreverhis]

On 11/19/2020 at 8:44 AM, Coldhands said:

This is the first group I actually posted in because usually they make me cry.

Welcome.  I am very sorry you are here with us, if that makes sense.  I have to tell you honestly that one of the things that helps me when I'm here is that there are times I do cry.  Sometimes it's reading another member's story or what they're going through; sometimes it's when I'm writing a response or starting a thread myself; sometimes it's just thinking about how hard this is for all of us.  Of course, I do think of myself specifically and about how unfair and wrong it was for me to lose my love.

The thing is that I don't find it to be a bad thing if I cry when I'm here.  I know if we were all in person, this would be the one place where everyone would understand with sympathy and comfort, not platitudes, pity, or impatience.

Please do keep coming here.  Read threads.  Post when it feels right for you.  When you're able, we want to hear more about you.  We will never judge or tell you what you should or should not do, think, or feel.  We will listen, comfort as we can, and give advice if asked.  This is a really good place to be.  The members here have helped me immensely as I've gone through my first 2 years without my husband.

[foreverhis]

On 11/18/2020 at 7:12 PM, Meloncholy said:

I just need feedback on how to move forward and actually look forward to the days ahead.

Hello.  My heart goes out to you.  These early days, weeks, and months often seem insurmountable.  One of the things I think it's important to know is that this grief journey is not short or easy.  I urge you to not think too much about moving forward or wondering about how to look forward to life down the road.  It's very important, IMO, to focus as much as you can on now, today, and getting through each day, one at a time.  It's a cliche, but it's also true. 

I also urge you not to spend too much time trying to keep busy.  I've found it is a good thing to have small goals and distractions, but it's so important to simply allow yourself to "be" with your grief.  There is nothing easy about this journey and you are at a place where most of us have had a really hard time.  The immediate shock has worn off.  (Even when losing our soulmate wasn't sudden, the final moments are still a shock.)  The "must do" legal and other tasks are usually handled, at least mostly.  People who love us and comfort us have drifted back to their own lives, so we feel alone and adrift.  I hate to use the word "normal" because that really loses meaning for most of us, so I guess typical is the closest to what I mean.

I'm glad you found us.  We are each on our unique path, but we are walking the road together.  Here, we are not ever alone.  The members here almost literally saved my life when I was wandering hopeless and wondering if life was even worth living. 

[KayC]

I had to go back to work two weeks after he died, I actually had to go in and do payroll five days after he died!  It was hard going back to work but everyone was wonderful to me...unfortunately, the place went under a few months after he died and I had to look for work out of town, that was hard.  But trying to focus and hold it together during the day was hard, when I came home I had to let down, cry, he was ever on my mind!  I don't know how I functioned back then, I didn't get much sleep.  I wish I'd accepted my doctor's offer of sleeping pills because I don't know how I survived but I think I made it all the harder on myself trying to function without sleep.

12 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I also urge you not to spend too much time trying to keep busy.  I've found it is a good thing to have small goals and distractions, but it's so important to simply allow yourself to "be" with your grief.

Reminds me of this article: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html

[surfer]

> We are each on our unique path, but we are walking the road together.  Here, we are not ever alone.  The members here almost literally saved my life when I was wandering hopeless and wondering if life was even worth living. 

This is sooo true! I do not usually write  but I come to this site almost every day to read. It just helps me tremendously! Thank you Kay, thank you foreverhis and many others  for all your great words... You probably help more people than you can imagine! God bless you!

[KayC]

10 hours ago, surfer said:

The members here almost literally saved my life when I was wandering hopeless and wondering if life was even worth living. 

Me too.  That's why I'm here all these years later, I want no one to go through this alone, I want people to know that although their loss has forever changed them, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and they will begin to adjust eventually to even these changes, and the intensity of pain will not stay at the same level the rest of their lives.  A certain amount of it we do learn to carry with us.

I'm so glad you found this place, no one should have to walk alone, feeling no one gets it.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

That's why I'm here all these years later, I want no one to go through this alone,

Although it's been just over 2 years for me, I stay for the same reason and also because it still helps me during confusing, frustrating, and more painful times.

[Missy1]

It’s all very surreal, I can’t accept it, no way! I know deep inside he is physically not here but know he is near me and can’t speak to me the same way. He is trying hard, I must be open and look and listen.