Loss of my lovely wife

[steveb]

My wife Yun committed suicide on 31 July 20.  I found her.  The shock shook me to my core.  Thnk God my children came from out of state and south Florida and arrived the same day at my home to comfort me. Yun had RA for years amongst other health issues, but she still maintained a good attitude, went to church, walked for 1 hour a day, etc. She took a new and very strong prescription for osteoporosis, which I believe made everything worse and altered her mental state.  I miss her so much that sometime the pain floors me, but I know that I can't deny hte grieveing process,and must be there for my children.  Family and friends have been very supportive, but at the end of the day, I'm at my home alone with my dog Sky.  I very much appreciate the opportunity to post on this site.  

[jmmosley53]

Hello steveb,

I am very sorry for your loss.  I find this site to be very helpful in many ways.  It give you the opportunity to post when you're upset, to read about other people's experiences, and know that some of what you feel is almost universal when it comes to the loss of a spouse.  Sometimes there are wonderful tips on how to deal with events and feelings.  I am so sorry you are here but very glad you found us.

[widower2]

I'm terribly sorry for your loss, I can't imagine such a thing. I'm glad you have family and friends who will be huge helping you along the way. This is a stupid cliche maybe but it's true: one day at a time. This site does have great people who will listen. Each of our losses are unique of course but they have some more general commonalities, so if only in a ballpark way, we "get" the nightmare, the intense pain etc that come with such a loss that people who haven't suffered such a loss cannot. I hope you find the site helpful. 

[KayC]

@steveb  I am so sorry!  I'm sure you do feel great shock!  I hope your family/friends are good support but I know what you mean, at the end of the day you're alone with your dog, I'm glad you have Sky.  I hope you'll also check out the suicide section here as well, losing someone to suicide has to be really hard, but I too can't help but wonder about any new Rx contributing, we all hear the warnings they state real fast on t.v.  Sometimes I think the doctors/pharmacies gloss over them too much.

I hope you'll continue to come here, it helps to read/post.  My husband's death was also sudden/unexpected.  Very hard to process, let alone figure out how to go from here.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[steveb]

Thanks for the responses guys.  KayC, I have already printed your tips.  They are vey insightful.  God bless you.