Holiday Season

[ksiemb]

My Love, My Dolly - Another Holiday Season is approaching that I must greet again without you here on Earth with me. Your Chair at the Dining Room Table will be empty once more. When you were here, you enjoyed the Holiday Season so much and always had the apartment decorated so nicely, and made the big Dinners for the occasions. But now, every thing is unadorned, and your chair remains empty. Rest in Peace my beloved, departed Doll‎y. I will always remember you and Love you,  Kenny.
 

[KayC]

I want to post these links for those newly grieving or having a hard time with the holidays approaching...

Holiday Tips
Holidays
Holiday Coping: Suggested Resources 2015
Holiday grief
Holiday Griever
 

[jmmosley53]

Right now, I am planning to decorate my Christmas tree.  This will be my 1st Christmas without my husband and I am dreading it.  My husband was never much into holiday decorating but he would always help me when asked and when I was finished he would tell me it looked nice. 

I see myself sobbing under the tree, but if I do nothing - I see myself sobbing because there is nothing.  I may change my mind 20 times between now and then.  Even though I am not feeling even a little JOY this holiday season, I think if I don't decorate this year, I will never decorate again.

One thing I already miss this holiday season is shopping for a gift for him.  That had always been my biggest challenge each year but I looked forward to him opening his gift on Christmas morning.  

I sort of wish I could just anesthetize myself and wake up the day after New Years.

[KayC]

I wish I could wake up when our world is back to normal, whatever that is.

[DMB]

I don't think I'm putting up a tree.  I may stay home for Thanksgiving too with the current spike in covid cases.

What I still hope to do since I knew I would dread the holidays is go to the beach house I rented back in Aug. on 12/26 to 1/2.  My husband would cook breakfast for family, friends and clients on New Year's.  Will be sad losing this tradition.  I hope is eases my families pain a little by not being here.  Hoping next year will be a little easier.

[BBB]

I also do not think I will be putting up a tree. Maybe next year.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, DMB said:

What I still hope to do since I knew I would dread the holidays is go to the beach house I rented back in Aug. on 12/26 to 1/2.  My husband would cook breakfast for family, friends and clients on New Year's.

II hope you can do that, do whatever brings you the most comfort.  My husband had such a zest for life!  He never wanted to miss anything.  He never got to experience anything before me, I made him his first stocking, bought him his first ornament.  Celebrating with me and my kids was really his first Christmas.  I continue to put up a tree and his stocking and hang his ornaments in a prominent place...for him.  After he died I didn't feel I could do it but my kids wanted to and helped me, now I continue.  I started the tradition of putting a note to him in his stocking.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I made him his first stocking,

Although I didn't make my husband his first stocking, I made him his first and only custom one in the exact same style that my grandma had made for all the kids when we were little.  They're really special with each one having the usual tree strung with beads and sequins, holly, jingle bells on the toe, etc., but also decorated with things specific to each of us.  So on his I sequined on a bass clef (trombones play in bass clef), a trombone patch, a butterfly because he loved them, a bear because I did get him his first teddy bear (a Gund he named Bubba)--I could not believe he'd never had one!, and other decorations that were meaningful to him.  I made one for our daughter the same year with a theme that mattered to her.

I made them in secret and when the time came to put up my beautiful heirloom stocking, his generic one, and our daughter's "little girl" one, I handed them each a present that I said had to be opened right now.  He was so touched he nearly cried.  And so our family's Christmas traditions were complete. 

Our daughter has hers, of course, but ours sit in the cedar chest because I can't bear to put them up, at least not yet.

[BBB]

Christmas is going to be really painful, I can already tell with just the lights being up in certain areas. My wife loved Christmas, decorated to the nines. It's just not even close to be the same without her. Still in disbelief.

 

[Gail 8588]

I have put up a tree each year since my love died. This will be my 4th. 

There are moments in the process that are more difficult than others.  He would lay on the floor half under the tree turning it until I was sure we had the best face forward. Then he'd tighten down the screws in the trunk as I confirmed it was straight or advised him it was leaning this way or that. 

It's impossible for me to do that alone. So my trees have been off kilter and possibly not the best side showing. But somehow that seemed true to the occasion these past 3 years. 

This year I am not dreading the holidays as I have in the past.  2020 has been such a hard year, I feel I do want to spread a little joy with the colored lights of my tree shining through the windows, even if it is a bit off kilter. 

Gail

[widower2]

Frankly Christmas has always been hard for me for family reasons long before I lost the love of my life, but of course much harder after that. Typically the best I can hope for is to not go back to my home town and just be here alone which sucks but at least it's easy...going "home" it's good to see people in a way, but my family is not close so going there just drives that home, plus it's a long lonely drive etc etc. I haven't ever put up a tree since I lost her and we did one together; just a few knick knacks and a wreath on the door. It's frustrating because under normal circumstances I'd be very into it all, Thanksgiving too but - ugh. Isn't is spring yet    

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

ugh. Isn't is spring yet 

My sentiments, wanting COVID over, winter has just begun and it's hard, esp. alone.  Holidays can be disappointing, to say the least, without our mates.  One day at a time.  We all choose how to best handle them for ourselves, I've chosen to include George by putting up his stocking, ornaments, etc, kind of a tribute to him in a way since he was really into every special day, be it holidays or birthdays!  He had so much zest for life.  It rings hollow in comparison to my times with him but then again, I try not to go there, comparisons are a real joy killer.  I try to look for whatever good there might be in the day.  Today is Monday, beginning of a new week, I need a fresh start after this last week!

[foreverhis]

16 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I feel I do want to spread a little joy with the colored lights of my tree shining through the windows, even if it is a bit off kilter.

Well, the year 2020 has been so far off kilter that I think that's entirely appropriate!  Besides, it's a little nod to your husband that things aren't ever quite right without him.  What matters is how it makes you feel and the memories it brings to you both sweet and sad.  I think it's a good idea to spread that joy, especially this year, which is the whole point of the holiday.  It's wonderful that you want to do that for yourself, for him, and to brighten the lives of others.

My husband used to do the same with our trees.  I would always let him pick which one because it was something he loved.  He'd look around and then home in on the one that caught his eye.  We had a tree skirt that had been in his family and that we gave to our daughter when she moved out on her own.  From then on we used one that I had tucked away.  We'd get everything together and he'd turn the tree until it was just right before tightening it into place.  Then we'd do the lights and stranded tinsel (until we got a cat; then we bought the kind that wraps and can be reused) before starting on the ornaments.  That always took a while because we'd look at them and talk about the memories to go with them.  Every year we each got a new ornament in our stockings.  We ended up with so many that we gave our daughter not just her own, but a whole box of traditional ones to have for her own tree.  And then finally, he would help our daughter place our angel tree topper.  The process took most of an afternoon and early evening with carols playing, hot cocoa to drink (even if we were having a late season warm spell), and memories so thick they filled the air and our hearts.

When it was just us, we did a smaller tree, outdoor lights, and some decorations (though nothing like when our daughter was growing up).  Our last several years, we really didn't do that much, so it's not as hard for me because we had changed our holiday traditions and simplified them. 

My first Christmas I was still pretty numb.  Last year, friends invited me over for the afternoon and dinner with them and his sister.  It was really nice, easy, and I only had to walk across the street and down a couple of houses.  We had a big storm that night, so walking home just that far I got soaking wet.  I laughed and said, "Honey, couldn't the heavy rain have waited another hour?"  This year?  I'll be on my own again and I'm no longer numb, so I'm not sure how I'll feel or what I'll do.  We all know that the holidays will never seem quite right no matter how many years pass by.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm not sure how I'll feel or what I'll do.  We all know that the holidays will never seem quite right no matter how many years pass by.

You and me both. 

 

[jmmosley53]

I was wrapping a few Christmas gifts for my sisters when the sudden realization that for the 1st time in my 67 years I will wake up Christmas morning alone.  I know I am feeling sorry for myself.  There are people in the world who have serious problems and I am weeping because no one will be here to have morning coffee and gifts with me.  I know I'll see some family later on during Christmas Day, but it is not going to be the joyful day it usually is. I read that I should find something to do to help others in order to ward off my sorrow.  However I think that I could be in the middle of the biggest crowd and still feel all alone.  I don't want to impose myself on my family.  They deserve to spend happy times with their children and grandchildren.  Has anyone come up with anything to ease the pain of 1st holiday alone?

[Yoli]

I will be with people but I feel I won't be present, disconnected sort of. It will probably be the only way I can get through the day.

[KayC]

My first one without George I was fortunate to have my grown children with me, but when my son married he no longer came here for holidays and I usually feel pressure to drive there when the roads are bad/icy and sometimes it's snowing and I can't, I've been alone some holidays, don't enjoy that, it's hard.  My daughter goes where we are but also can't always brave the roads.

[foreverhis]

On 11/22/2020 at 12:55 PM, jmmosley53 said:

I know I am feeling sorry for myself.  There are people in the world who have serious problems and I am weeping because no one will be here to have morning coffee and gifts with me. 

Please, I'm urging you not to minimize your pain just because others have worse problems.  I had this talk with my sister recently.  She was saying that she didn't think she "deserved" to feel depressed or angry or frustrated during COVID because her husband has been able to work from home and makes a good living (tech in the bay area), she is the only one in her office right now so it's safe for her to go there 3 days a week, and they haven't been hurt financially.  She has a nice, if not fancy, roof over her head, decent cars to drive, bikes to ride in the often nice weather even now, access and money to buy good food and wine, and a husband and dog who adore her.  So she was feeling as if she was being a selfish cry-baby on days when things really got to her, especially because she knows how much harder it has been for me.

I pointed out that it doesn't have to and shouldn't be a contest of "Who has it worst?" and only that person should get our sympathy and understanding.  Her pain over not seeing friends and family, cancelling two trips to visit old friends, not doing most of the activities she enjoys, and so forth is not cancelled out because of my grief, frustration, and pain.

While it is good, always, to consider our blessings and share when we can, it's not wrong to admit that our grief is valid, real, and devastating.  My sister mentioned that the times she and her husband have ordered in, they've wildly overtipped because they want to help the economy.  They've donated more to charities this year.  She's been very mindful of calling and emailing with family and friends.  My husband and I always gave charitable donations, even if they had to be small and no matter our circumstances because it's a way to acknowledge both what we have and that others have less.

Being alone on Christmas morning for the first time in 67 years is a huge deal.  Your pain and grief are no less important than anyone else's troubles. ((HUGS))

[BBB]

" I know I am feeling sorry for myself.  There are people in the world who have serious problems and I am weeping because no one will be here to have morning coffee and gifts with me."

 

Given my current state of grief and how painful it is, I would say that you lost your partner of 67 years IS a serious problem.

 

[foreverhis]

On 11/22/2020 at 12:55 PM, jmmosley53 said:

I read that I should find something to do to help others in order to ward off my sorrow.  However I think that I could be in the middle of the biggest crowd and still feel all alone.

Well, I don't think anything can ward off our sorrow, especially the first year.  So while people mean well, they simply don't understand that it won't make a difference and sometimes makes things worse.  I was still pretty numb the first Christmas.  I guess I must have gotten through the day by simply putting one foot in front of the other, talking to my husband, crying, and just breathing.  I do remember that I talked to friends and family.  I think in a weird way the thing that helped the most was being alone so that I didn't have to put on a smile and pretend about anything.

Yes, I'm afraid that even surrounded by people who love you, you will feel alone right now because half of you is missing.  That's one of the big differences between losing our soulmates and any other loss.  The person we could rely on for comfort, compassion, love, companionship, and just everything, the one we would go to if we were feeling bad, is the one who is gone from us.

I wish I had better advice for you, but I'm afraid that there isn't any.

[Missy1]

No tree, no decorations, nothing...I will not celebrate, We had NEVER spent a. Holiday apart, ever in 30 years. like many here it doesn’t feel right...

[SSC]

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, a meal with family, time off from work and no expectations of gifts.  It’s difficult enough spending a holiday without my husband but thanks to covid, I will be alone this year.  Even my daughter who lives less than 5 miles away is “following Covid rules” and only having dinner with her small family.  We were all going to travel to California and stay with my daughter there, but California is all but in lockdown right now so we canceled our plans last week.  If my husband was here he’d be excited to “have” to stay home so he could eat and watch football!

I actually find Christmas stressful and I don’t really like it.  I enjoyed it when my kids were very small but I haven’t liked  Christmas for a long time now.  I’ve been known to take the Christmas tree down and put decorations away Christmas night...yeah, I can be a real Scrooge.  But now, my big Christmas decoration is the fake Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  That’s it.  And the only reason I’ll do this is if my daughter and her fiancé come stay with me for the holidays.

I will never decorate for holidays anymore.  It’s just too much work, emotionally.

[KayC]

All of the responses here are valid.  Our lives are changed forever.  Even if we were surrounded by people and full of blessings, it would not negate missing the one that we wish were here.

[BBB]

Well said. I try to tell my friends and family that all of the time.

 

[Stellasmom]

I don't think I'm going to decorate.  I don't have the will to do it.  I just don't feel like celebrating.  We always enjoyed buying surprises for each other and it is so difficult to think that there will be no presents this year.  It makes me so sad.  

[Mulelady]

On 11/22/2020 at 3:55 PM, jmmosley53 said:

 I know I am feeling sorry for myself.  There are people in the world who have serious problems and I am weeping because no one will be here to have morning coffee and gifts with me.

I feel guilty every day over my feelings....knowing many have real serious problems to deal with.  " coffee " was a trigger word....as Nick never ever missed his coffee ....we started every day with a cup ...and connecting about our plans for the day.  Maybe that's why I still can't " make plans " ......that ....and Covid.

[KayC]

Our feelings are valid and so is our way of getting through this the best way we can.  Never invalidate your feelings, nothing to apologize for, our feelings are very valid!

[KayC]

Thinking of you all today, I know this day is hard.  I hope you aren't alone unless that's where you wish to be.

[Maria_PI]

Yesterday was my birthday and Thanksgiving and 6 months since I lost my soulmate. I dreaded the approach of this milestone, mostly because I thought I would just crash receiving a ton of "Happy Birthday" wishes on FB from people who wouldn't have a clue about my state of mind. How "happy" can my birthday be?! So I removed the birthday reminder from my FB (locked the date to "myself only" setting). Oh, what a relief! No fake wishes and pretend "friends"! Only my mom and my closest people who actually knew my birthday, and of course they don't have to put this on FB, they called me and actually listened to me. This also helped me to focus on being thankful for the day off on my birthday so I could wake up and feel what I want to do and when I want to do it, not abide by any timelines or deadlines. And ALWAYS with my Love on my mind - what he would have loved to do together on this day. So I went for a walk on the beach - this is by far the most calming and uplifting thing that one can do to relieve stress, anxiety and even grief. It combines the "grounding" as in relieving the static electricity accumulated in the body from all the computer, phone and TV staring all the time, exercise and looking at the horizon. That last one I just learned from a neuroscientist that it a powerful and handy technique in relieving stress and anxiety. What a beautiful day it was to be Thankful about! 

So I am not as anxious about the other upcoming holidays any more. I know everything is within my control. I feel I could even gather some strength to decorate for Christmas, mostly for the neighborhood, whether my sister and her family manage to come visit or not. New Year's - well that  one I will really celebrate, even alone! In the end, I will never be alone when I have my Love in my heart!

Can't wait to say "good riddance" to 2020!

[jmmosley53]

I'm glad Thanksgiving is over with.  Sure there are things I am grateful for but they seem over shadowed by my grief right now.  I am blessed to have been able to spend Thanksgiving with my sister.  She is very sensitive to my feelings and she went out of her way to make the day as comfortable as she could.  I got through Thanksgiving because she was there for me.  I wish everyone had someone like my sister, she gently helped get me through a day I was dreading.  

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

I am not as anxious about the other upcoming holidays any more. I know everything is within my control.

Good for you!  And I'm glad you recognized and took action on your FB to do your day YOUR way, it really is all about what brings US the most comfort or delivers us the least pain.

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

I am blessed to have been able to spend Thanksgiving with my sister. 

I was fortunate that first Thanksgiving because of my sisters too.  Of course, it's completely different this year, but then our sister-by-choice, who always hosted an open house, called to basically beg me to take the train up (4 hours) to them.  She promised it would just be immediate family that year.  I knew that the people who would be there were the ones who I could stand to be around and who had already shown that they "get it" as much as anyone can who hasn't yet "been there" themselves.  I'm really glad I screwed up the courage, got on the train, and spent the weekend in the place where my love and I always were and with the people who were missing him the most as well.  I didn't have to pretend, not for one moment, that everything was fine.  It helped.

 

[widow2020]

Thanksgiving was difficult this year, my first without my husband.  His birthday sometimes falls on Thanksgiving, but not this year.  We used to be the hosts for the Thanksgiving lunch.  We weren't able the last 2 years because of his illness, but we always spent the day together.  This year I was invited to my son in law's gathering, a very small group.  It was nice to be included and I enjoyed those around me.  At the end of the day, I still went home to my home alone. Yes, I was sad and struggling.  The next day my sister (who's husband is battling cancer now) said well it looks like you had a great Thanksgiving after seeing pictures my daughter posted, almost as wanting me to feel guilty for making the best of a very difficult day.  She chose to stay home and not have anyone near because her husband is taking chemo.  I really felt she was doing what was best for her situation.  Oh, it was a difficult day.  I couldn't do the same traditions that my husband and I hosted in the past.  I think I'm leaving town for Christmas.

[Mulelady]

Widow2020: it seems you and I both had a long caregiver period ( mine was exactly 2 years, with some frightening surgeries & recovery  ) .  Long or short....I know we all feel the same loss when they are gone.  On the one hand....I understand why some tend to say things sounding like " all it well " ....we're "moving on"...or they hope we would...and maybe a little envy in your case......but they are misguided if believing that will make the pain go away.  IF I have any moment of appearance of " joy " ....it is either temporary or encouraged so as not to drag others down....and maybe not get invited again. Maybe it will be easier for me in a few years.....but for now.....I'm sadly aware of my loss every minute of the day....and especially during holidays or lonely nights....or when I have something I need his help with ....and no one is there. 

Further ,  any family from Nick's side live about 4 states away .....don't travel at all ...and this year for the first time ....none are getting together due to recent storm damage in La. and Covid .  I was very lucky this year to have a brief thanksgiving with my son....( default because his father was having more people than he was comfortable with this year) .....but they have been abundantly clear they are uncomfortable with any sign of loss ( tears or talk ) .....and it wasn't his father so not his personal loss.  

We always went somewhere for Christmas spirit in December....usually a bus trip...which would have been something for me to consider...as being alone would be less of an issue ? But....thanks to Covid....that option is bankrupt and closed .  None of my out of state friends want guests with Covid....as is definitely wise ....so I compromised and scheduled a drive trip South.  I'm not expecting to have " fun "....but getting out of the house....and see a lot of beautiful lights . Hoping for the best.......

[KayC]

It was a very hard day for me as well, no matter how many years go by, we still know who is missing, and nothing in our life is the same after they're gone.  No matter what we do.

3 hours ago, Mulelady said:

they have been abundantly clear they are uncomfortable with any sign of loss ( tears or talk ) .....and it wasn't his father so not his personal loss.  

Yeah, I get it, George was stepdad to my kids too, but there own father doesn't have a whole lot to do with them and George and my son were best of friends.  No one brings it up anymore except my sister Peggy, her and I can talk about anything.  This was her first holiday without her husband.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, Mulelady said:

I'm sadly aware of my loss every minute of the day....and especially during holidays or lonely nights....or when I have something I need his help with ....and no one is there. 

Hi Mulelady.  Indeed it sounds as if your rural situation is even more so than mine.  We have about 10,000 in our coastal community with another 10,000 across the bay/estuary about 8 miles.  What we call town is a small college/tech/agricultural city of about 45,000 and 12 miles inland.  The two-lane undivided road between can be dangerous because of stupid drivers.  We're from the bay area, where I grew up and he spent most of his teen and adult life.  It was a real change for me when we moved here, but he grew up in a small town in New York and quickly re-adapted to small town living.  I'm at a point now where I can't imagine moving back to the hustle and bustle.  Truth be told though, the one time I wished we were still there was when he was diagnosed.  I think his cancer would have been caught sooner, though his urologist and oncologist down here both referred him to one of the top surgeons in the United States at Stanford.  It looked like he had a good chance, but over those 14-15 months of fighting, it became clearer that he might not make it this time.  He'd had prostate cancer 15 years earlier, had surgery and mild radiation, and made a full recovery.  I am so thankful for those years, but am angry to this day (and probably forever) that I, we, and the doctors didn't take things seriously sooner 3-1/2 years ago.

I do know what you mean about leaving for a while when your love was in hospice.  Mine was in and out of the hospital, rehab, and home for the last 5 months of his fight.  I spent many, many nights at the hospital sleeping in a reclining chair (or sometimes just a chair) and stayed with him as much as possible at rehab.  When I wasn't there, he would get very upset to the point where, on the nights I was home, I often picked up the phone in the middle of the night to hear his anguished and later confused voice.  I'd dress, grab my always packed backpack and drive in to be with him.  No one in my life knows about all of those nights, not really.  How can I possibly describe them?  They are my images and memories, and mine alone to bear.

I miss my love every minute of every day.  I always will.  But over time, I have been able to start remembering all that was good, happy, and loving, not just those last unbearably painful months.  My missing him is not always front and center of every moment, which I consider a huge step forward.  The nights are still difficult.  I can't really even just "go to bed" in our bed, even though I try from time to time.  Holidays are strange to me.  The first year I was alone on Christmas and New Year's Eve.  Christmas is mostly a blur, but I vividly remember thinking that it was only the second time we'd been apart for those two holidays in 35 years.  And the only other time was when he was with our daughter and granddaughter in Seattle and I couldn't get there due to weather.  So on New Year's Eve, after talking to family and friends, I looked at his picture and his handsome leather cylinder on the entertainment center and said, "I can't believe I have to start this year without you and I can't bear that it will always be this way."  I drank a bit more than usual, took my medication later on, and went to sleep on the sofa as I had done most nights since the first time I came home truly alone.  I don't imagine I'll ever want to "celebrate" New Year's Eve ever again, so I'd rather be alone than around even the people who know and love us best.

Every time I have to do something by myself that either he would have done with me as his trusty assistant or that we would have done together, I feel a terrible pain in my heart.  I have a hard time asking for help, even though we have neighbors who are also good friends and who want to help.  I hate having to hire out jobs that he would have done, but that I can't do alone.

I don't think it ever gets easier or better, but I am learning to cope better, to keep living in "today" as much as possible, and can see and grasp some pieces of light and hope.  And every night I believe it is one day closer to the time we'll be together again.

[KayC]

Hearing you describe his last months, that must have been truly hard.  

I feel as you about hiring out things he'd have done.  Right now the back of my garage needs replaced, it's rotten under the shingles and all of the supporting structure ready to collapse.  I have no idea how many thousands it will cost or how I'll pay for it.  George would have tackled it.