Counselor

[BBB]

About a half year in now and my counselor says that I have not accepted her death. Not sure how you get to the point where you accept it. Just wake up one day and a switch gets flipped? 

[DMB]

I'd tell your counselor to go pound sand. Once you've lost a loved one, is that not acceptance enough?  At 6 months!?  They're gone for Chris sake and we are still walking, and talking to you, counselor, ain't helping!!!!!

 

BBB, it is my feeling that the acceptance of carrying on without them, comes in your own due time.  Sounds to me like you are dealing with some feelings and that's OK.  Counselor is handing you a step stool to boost you up to that switch.  If you fall off, or not ready to get on it, that's OK too.

[jmmosley53]

I dislike the word accept when applied to the loss of a loved one.  Do any of the dictionary definitions apply for you?  For me perhaps 3c applies,  I can not deny he is gone.  That has nothing to do with how I feel or react.

1 a: to receive (something offered) willingly accept a gift

   b: to be able or designed to take or hold (something applied or added)a surface that will not accept ink

2 : to give admittance or approval to accept her as one of the group

3 a: to endure without protest or reaction accept poor living conditions

   b: to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable an idea that is widely accepted

   c: to recognize as true : BELIEVE refused to accept the explanation

4 a: to make a favorable response to accept an offer

   b: to agree to undertake (a responsibility)accept a job

5: to assume an obligation to pay also : to take in payment we don't accept personal checks

6: of a deliberative body : to receive (a legislative report) officially: to receive favorably something offered

 

[foreverhis]

I too am not thrilled with "acceptance."  I accept that he is gone from this world because that is the reality in front of me.  It took time to even get to that point.  But overall I prefer "living with the reality" or anything that doesn't relate to "acceptance" as agreeing that his death was right or fair or just--It wasn't and it never will be.

At 6 months, no one should expect you to "accept" anything other than that you are living in a new reality.  If that's what your counselor means, then I'd ask him or her to use a different word.  If your counselor means more than that, then you may need to think about finding a new counselor--unless you like this one overall.  In that case, you might ask, "What do you mean by accept?  I know she is not here."  That might start a good conversation.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

I dislike the word accept when applied to the loss of a loved one.

Me too.  You don't HAVE to "accept" anything!  It's enough to realize it and that's tough enough to deal with.

[MODArtemis2019]

I'm curious if your counselor said this simply as an observation, or was something more intended? A good counselor isn't judging your grief, so I hope it was just an observation. 

At the one year mark, I made a conscious choice to work on acceptance, mainly because non-acceptance was so painful and not helping me to feel better. It really started earlier, with reading and exploring ideas related to Buddhism, in which acceptance of reality is a key principle. I realized how much non-acceptance had been a general feature of my life, and of many people's lives. And a huge feature of my reaction to my husband's death. 

I started to practice brief periods of acceptance along with mindfulness and I found it brought me some peace. I had a period of a few months in the summer when I felt overall more peaceful. Not that I didn't still grieve every day. But instead of saying "Why?" as I had before so many times, I said, "I accept the pain, I accept the grief." 

Recently I've had a hard time with acceptance once again. Who knows why? Grief isn't linear, I guess that's the reason.

10 hours ago, BBB said:

Not sure how you get to the point where you accept it. Just wake up one day and a switch gets flipped? 

Not a switch getting flipped. It's more like a series of many small events over time. And your own decision that you are ready to try to accept. Acceptance isn't endorsement and doesn't mean you didn't love your partner greatly, as I know you did and still do. It's more like you allow your brain to stop fighting to reverse what happened. 

[BBB]

Ahh there's the key, "allowing your brain to stop fighting to reverse what happened". That's a great point. Exactly what my brain tries to do