Grieving Alone

[MyHonkeyTonkAngel]

   No body told me my mom was sick. I feel stupid for not catching on. The once stylish, energetic perfectionist was always sleeping and always in her comfy robe. She was only 47. For me it was sudden. I was too blinded by my own problems to notice hers. She on the other hand worried about everyone else except herself. I found out she needed to get blood transfusions that she never attended. She always said people go to the hospital to die. It was her self-made prophecy. I feel like we all failed her. She looked out for all of us and noone looked out for her. Did she feel that way too? Did she feel like she wasnt loved enoughed? Is that why she neglected her health? I hope she didnt feel like she didnt matter. Now that shes gone i feel like i dont matter and its painful. She was in alot of pain and i hope that wasnt a part of it.

          I didnt know i would find out how much i meant to my mom after she passed away. All she did was sing my praises to anyone who would listen. I thought i was a disappointment, but all she could talk about is how proud she was of me. I didnt know she would be the only one there for me durring my greif of her passing. Yes, i found out how much i meant to her, but i also found out how much i meant to everyone else in my life.

            My sisters made it clear that i was not invited to grieve with them. My brother and i had made some choices that my family did not understand, nor did they want to. So we were excluded from alot of the funeral arranging. See my brother and i are addicts. I chose recovery and my brother chose jail, and institutions. Infact i caught him taking money from my car at the funeral. The only in the family who understood me betrayed me at the worst time possible. I turned to my best friend since the 3rd grade now at 27 she knew me well and i just knew she would be supportive, and she was... For a couple days. She started to call my (future) mother in law and disclose everything i was telling her. I assumed she would be my confidante. I was wrong. See i disclosed to my bff that she was the only support i had. My sisters my brother, and exspecially my fiance. We were fighting alot, and when i told him i didnt need the fighting he replied "just because your mom died doesnt mean were going to stop fighting" so the fighting contined and since i was crying alot, it got worse. So i got an earful from my mother in law and the "even worst" fighting with my fiance escalated even more. When i confronted dmy bff, she told me i shouldn't tell people about my home life and that was something i needed to learn. I felt so betrayed. I thought these people would be there for me. I felt like i was drowning and the people i thought would help me out the water started to throw rocks at me. I made one last stitch effort to find comfort in my fiance. I told him i felt like noone was here for me and it was painful. He asked me what made me think i deserved empathy. I wanted to say because i was human. But what if im wrong? What if i dont deserve a support system? What would make me qualify for a support system? He obviously wasnt the only one who deemed me unworthy of such. 

           I turned to the one person who thought i was worthy, my mom. But i wish she was still here in the way she was before, in life. I decorated her grave for her birthday but when i came back a week later to see her, i found out from the front desk of the cemetary that my family threw away everything i put on her grave. Which reminded me again how unloved i am by the people i thought loved me. It makes me feel selfish for foucusing on my own pain. Did my mom feel that way? Did she focus on everyone elses pain because she believed her pain didnt matter? I hope not because she left the world with my heart. The only love i feel is from an angel and i cant wait to be with her.

[reader]

Dear Angel,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your beloved mom. Family relationships are never easy and I'm sorry your family's lack of support and compassion and empathy is adding to your pain and sorrow. No one deserves that. We all should be loved and supported and comforted by family bonds. That was very hurtful of your family to throw away your decorations. 

I don't know anything for sure but based on everything you have written, I am sure your mom knew you loved her.

If you want, there are lots of good supports in the community and through church. I wanted to share these websites that could offer you more support.

Grief in Common

Grief Share

Grief Healing Blog.

Thinking of you.