Son missing and presumed dead

[Beauteous87]

My son has been a "traveler" since he as 16. That is when he first ran away from home. He defined a traveler as someone without a permanent home who goes from place to place as he choses so he was homeless by choice. Sometimes he had a place to stay for a while; a friends a couch, a small apartment or a shared house. Sometimes he slept on the street. He spent most of his time in Portland, Oregon though he would visit other places when the mood and opportunity hit him.

His grandparents paid for a studio apartment one winter, hoping having a steady place to stay would help him stabilize and settle in one place. He stayed until they stopped paying then left. He didn't even thank them.

It wasn't uncommon for me not to hear from him for months. I tried paying for a cell phone for him so I could be sure to contact him whenever I wanted but after he lost the third one days after I gave it to him, I gave up.

The last time I talked to him was around Thanksgiving 2013. He was in Pittsburg, Pennsylvania. He called me to tell me he was living in a house rent free in exchange for working on it. It needed a lot of work. It didn't even have a working heating system at the time. He asked for warm things to deal with the very cold winter, something he had never experienced before. Winters in Oregon are fairly mild.

I told him I'd send him some things but I need a mailing address. He said he didn't know the exact address so he would let me know. I got some warm things together for him; thick socks, thermal underwear and a hat and gloves; and waited to hear from him. That call never came.

I figured he had decided to move on and I'd hear from him when he got back to Portland or where ever he ended up. I never heard from him again.

After a year, I started to worry; well, worry more than my usual level of concern for him, but I didn't know what I could do to find him. He was 24 years old. He could chose not to contact me if he wanted. He could be anywhere in the world that he wanted. 

Every year on his birthday, whether he was in contact or not, I celebrated his birthday with cake and candles. We always took pictures and posted them on Facebook. I wanted him to know I hadn't forgotten it was his birthday even if I couldn't be with him. I've kept that up every year. My other kids join in and love to help decorate the cake.

Each year that passes, his birthday has been harder for me than the last. At first it was just the day, then it was a week leading up to it. Now it's the whole month of October. I feel generally sad and cry easily. I talk about him a lot to anyone who will listen. I even told my new physical therapist. lol.

Almost three years ago my mother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. I was understandable upset about that but I got a little jolt of hope over finding my son because she said she wanted the family to put an effort into finding him. I thought with the combined efforts of my family we had a chance. It didn't really pan out to anything and there was no results. 

Last year, I learned about ambiguous grief, when you can't completely grieve because you don't know if they are really gone. I realized I needed to accept he was gone and I wasn't going to see him again.  I started talking about having a memorial for him. Most people responded to that idea by insisting he might still contact me again someday. Some people even suggested he was alive and well and just not calling me. I know they were trying to help but I didn't find that more comforting. I found it hurtful.

With my mom not doing well this year and my niece also having stage four cancer, I felt like maybe I shouldn't ask my family to join me in memorializing my son. My brother even got angry at the thought that I was giving up and considering this. My sister insisted we should do something and came up with a plan. She even created a Facebook event and invited all the family to participate in their own homes.

When it  got close, my mom wasn't doing well. I got the call that it was time for her to pass. I rushed to her bedside and she passed the day before my son's birthday.

Once again I felt it wasn't the right time to memorialize my son. Our mother had just passed, the reality of that hadn't set in yet. Once again my sister insisted we should do it. I was able to be with more family for it. It was very nice.

Now I am home, working on grieving for my son and my mom. Life takes most of my time but whenever there is a quiet moment the tears come. I miss them both but I know they are together now. I find comfort in the fact that Mom isn't in pain and my son is safe and warm.

 

[Mason’s Mom]

6 hours ago, Beauteous87 said:

My son has been a "traveler" since he as 16. That is when he first ran away from home. He defined a traveler as someone without a permanent home who goes from place to place as he choses so he was homeless by choice. Sometimes he had a place to stay for a while; a friends a couch, a small apartment or a shared house. Sometimes he slept on the street. He spent most of his time in Portland, Oregon though he would visit other places when the mood and opportunity hit him.

His grandparents paid for a studio apartment one winter, hoping having a steady place to stay would help him stabilize and settle in one place. He stayed until they stopped paying then left. He didn't even thank them.

It wasn't uncommon for me not to hear from him for months. I tried paying for a cell phone for him so I could be sure to contact him whenever I wanted but after he lost the third one days after I gave it to him, I gave up.

The last time I talked to him was around Thanksgiving 2013. He was in Pittsburg, Pennsylvania. He called me to tell me he was living in a house rent free in exchange for working on it. It needed a lot of work. It didn't even have a working heating system at the time. He asked for warm things to deal with the very cold winter, something he had never experienced before. Winters in Oregon are fairly mild.

I told him I'd send him some things but I need a mailing address. He said he didn't know the exact address so he would let me know. I got some warm things together for him; thick socks, thermal underwear and a hat and gloves; and waited to hear from him. That call never came.

I figured he had decided to move on and I'd hear from him when he got back to Portland or where ever he ended up. I never heard from him again.

After a year, I started to worry; well, worry more than my usual level of concern for him, but I didn't know what I could do to find him. He was 24 years old. He could chose not to contact me if he wanted. He could be anywhere in the world that he wanted. 

Every year on his birthday, whether he was in contact or not, I celebrated his birthday with cake and candles. We always took pictures and posted them on Facebook. I wanted him to know I hadn't forgotten it was his birthday even if I couldn't be with him. I've kept that up every year. My other kids join in and love to help decorate the cake.

Each year that passes, his birthday has been harder for me than the last. At first it was just the day, then it was a week leading up to it. Now it's the whole month of October. I feel generally sad and cry easily. I talk about him a lot to anyone who will listen. I even told my new physical therapist. lol.

Almost three years ago my mother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. I was understandable upset about that but I got a little jolt of hope over finding my son because she said she wanted the family to put an effort into finding him. I thought with the combined efforts of my family we had a chance. It didn't really pan out to anything and there was no results. 

Last year, I learned about ambiguous grief, when you can't completely grieve because you don't know if they are really gone. I realized I needed to accept he was gone and I wasn't going to see him again.  I started talking about having a memorial for him. Most people responded to that idea by insisting he might still contact me again someday. Some people even suggested he was alive and well and just not calling me. I know they were trying to help but I didn't find that more comforting. I found it hurtful.

With my mom not doing well this year and my niece also having stage four cancer, I felt like maybe I shouldn't ask my family to join me in memorializing my son. My brother even got angry at the thought that I was giving up and considering this. My sister insisted we should do something and came up with a plan. She even created a Facebook event and invited all the family to participate in their own homes.

When it  got close, my mom wasn't doing well. I got the call that it was time for her to pass. I rushed to her bedside and she passed the day before my son's birthday.

Once again I felt it wasn't the right time to memorialize my son. Our mother had just passed, the reality of that hadn't set in yet. Once again my sister insisted we should do it. I was able to be with more family for it. It was very nice.

Now I am home, working on grieving for my son and my mom. Life takes most of my time but whenever there is a quiet moment the tears come. I miss them both but I know they are together now. I find comfort in the fact that Mom isn't in pain and my son is safe and warm.

 

I can't imagine not knowing and being in limbo for all those years.  I know you have most likely heard it would be better if you have closure. I can honestly say I won't ever have closure from the lose of my son. It is with me every day and it is close to 3 years for us. Losing a parent is difficult and hope you find peace. Let yourself grieve and seek help if needed by a good councilor. 

[twink]

Beauteous, first, am so sorry to hear about the passing of your mother. I don't want to over step here but have you contacted Pittsburg PA police and asked if they have any 'unsolved' deaths from around that time period and/or 'unknown' in the city morgue? Please excuse me if this upsets you but am trying to approach this in a logical way that might help you determine if he just moved on from that city and all was well there. As gruesome sounding as it is, maybe fearing the worst revolving around that city and time period, you could find out if there are or are not any unsolved/unknown John Doe's for that time period. Please excuse me if this suggestion is upsetting, I understand you have great pain over his absence and silence, it might help to at least rule out 'the worst' for that location and time period. I pray he reaches out to you soon, I can't imagine how painful this is for you, am so sorry...

[Beauteous87]

Twink,

Thank you for the suggestion. Several people in my life have recently suggested this. I think I may be getting a message here.

I know I should do this. I'm not sure why I drag my feet. Maybe it's the final confirmation that I fear or maybe just looking foolish to these officers that I am asking after so many year.

I know I should get on it soon.

 

Thank you Valerie,

I appreciate the reminder. I do pray for comfort regularly. That is what has led me to concluding that I need to mourn him and let go.

Thank you also for adding to the caring people who tell me to follow up with missing persons.

[Laura Ann]

Dear Beauteous,

Im so sorry about losing your mom and son.   Although my situation is not as severe as yours, my daughter has stopped communication with me as well.   Its been almost 2 years, although I do know where she lives so thats different also. But this is on top of losing my son to cancer in 2004, so its overwhelming.   And I dont understand why shes being so hurtful with this “shunning”.   

I agree with the other replies that you should contact Pittsburgh police, if you havent already.

Much love and peace to you