Can’t “go there”

[BernieJean]

About an hour ago I was watching a movie and lost it. Started screaming WHY and sobbing I MISS YOU at the top of my lungs in this huge empty house. It scared me and I had to step back fast! Thought I was going off the ledge and it hits me like that still after 10 months?! I just can’t go there! Seriously thought would hyperventilate or have a heart attack.

[Diane R. E.]

I just had a similar episode. It's only been a month since my husband passed away, so pretty fresh. Still, it scared me that it suddenly hit so hard as I was driving back from the store. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[widower2]

Those "waves" (or land mines, if you prefer...) are unpredictable. I've had my share. They should diminish over time, though. "Time heals all wounds" is a crock...but it does help

[jmmosley53]

BernieJean,

I have had a similar experience.  I'd be going about my business and suddenly over whelming emotion flood my brain and I have a meltdown.  I don't know from where or why this happens. When it does, I am filled with such sorrow my tears flow and I sob till I can hardly breath.  I wish I could scream, but at the same time I am afraid that if I give in to the emotion and start screaming, I'll go insane.  Then the emotions pass and I am left feeling weak and empty.

Maybe I suppress feeling and they just boil over.  I don't know but, I do hope that someday I can think of Richard and have only happy thoughts.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, BernieJean said:

About an hour ago I was watching a movie and lost it. Started screaming WHY and sobbing I MISS YOU at the top of my lungs in this huge empty house. It scared me and I had to step back fast! Thought I was going off the ledge and it hits me like that still after 10 months?! I just can’t go there! Seriously thought would hyperventilate or have a heart attack.

I am so sorry for your loss.  Welcome here, I wish none of us had cause to think about death and grief and aloneness, but it's ours, unbidden but here.  I realize you're at ten months and have already gone through or considered much of this, but I want to leave it anyway...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[PeterSteel]

Hi I'm new here and am sharing in a recent loss. 8 months ago I lost my estranged ex-wife and I was/am unprepared for the emotions that followed and are still with me. 

I am familiar with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and to make a long story short, on the subject of emotions, all feelings/emotions are limited in duration. They will pass eventually and it's up to us on how we deal with them. I cannot/willnot listen to certain songs as they remind me of things and rehash the emotions that I am not ready for, maybe I never will be. The point is to ground yourself as much as possible before feeling distress and to also have plans to deal with that distress once it happens. I think that like me, you can continue to expect the unexpected reminders and for them to get to you in ways that you don't expect, knowing that you can plan for your response once the unexpected happens. I would suggest looking into some support, I've seen a number of free phone numbers that you can text and get some trained support. 

We are in this together. 

[confused_father]

It's coming up 4 year since I lost the love of my life and I still have these episodes. Anything can bring it on, a song, scene in a film, when our daughter does something to make me proud.

 

[KayC]

@PeterSteel  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I would have a hard time if my kids' dad passed, even though the marriage was not great because we spent 23 years together, were a family, and I do care about him.  People don't seem to recognize loss of exes, here's an article on  disenfranchised grief:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/disenfranchised-grief-when-ex-spouse.html