Lost mom on Mother’s Day 2019

[KTdogs]

I lost my mom 3 days after her dr.’s at SCCA said she would be just fine. 3 days later fell on Mother’s Day of 2019. Since it was just me and her, and no other really close family I was there for her at every appointment and had tried to be her support as she found out of her prognosis right after her retirement as a social worker. I made all of her favorites for Mother’s Day, spaghetti with 7 hr bolognaise, steak with blue cheese compound butter and asparagus and yellow cake with chocolate frosting decorated with little rosettes that I had stayed up until 2am the previous night decorating...and had been 20 min late to her house loading all of it up in my car to take it over to her. When I got there she was unresponsive and I started cpr. After screaming and crying I was still shocked to hear later that I had gotten her on the ground and started compressions with 911 on the line within a minute. I became calm when they arrived...it’s wasn’t until they told me they were on their 3rd round of compressions/shock that I started wrenching and screaming and crying. I remember going outside and sitting in the trunk of my car as all the food and gofts I got the woman that meant the most dear to me lay in the living room with 15 emts tried to revive her. And as I screamed a couple in high school passed looking and smiling oblivious as they were presumably making there way to meet the family first time as a couple. Or other neighbors asked the police what had happened and being turned away...or being told how good my food smelled as I sat screaming and crying and shaking in back of that trunk. It was all because of that stupid food. Now I can’t seem to cook anymore just eat...at first for a month I couldn’t eat anything l. I just the chicken broth I packed with me to work, pedialyte my family forced me to drink. Now it seems that’s all I can do is just eat...it’s been almost a year and a half and we’re now in the month of my moms and my birthday and I am 70 pounds heavier than that day...I keep getting asked about me baby or when I’m due and I keep making humor related off topic remarks to compensate but I know that I just can’t stop. I don’t want to yet. I just want to  sleep 24hrs a day, eat, and retreat in the comfort of my bed but that’s not realistic. I just can’t seem to stop and I’m not sure how to fix it anymore without her

[reader]

Dear KTdogs,

(((hugs)))) I'm so sorry for your deep pain and sorrow. I know you miss your mom a lot and its so hard. From everything you've said about that difficult day, you did everything you could. The shock and grief is a lot go to through and even though it's been a year I know it weighs on you heavily.

There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. It's hard to take those baby steps but I want you to feel supported. Have you considered talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group even via Zoom or Facebook? I found this website Grief in Common very helpful and it offers some counselling and group support as well.

About the weight don't be hard on yourself. Take your time and if you want to slowly take some new steps to lose the weight, I know you will.

Please know we are thinking of you.

 

[Zee24]

Dear KT, it sounds very traumatic and painful. If it helps to talk about it, talk about it with people who understand. Or get therapy. Dont dwell. Know we are here with you. Keep writing back. Hugs