my cat died in my arms

[catawampus]

I've been through loss before, some of it posted here over the years, but it never gets easier. I lost my dear sweet kitty Fifi Friday night and I cannot seem to deal with the loss. She had kidney disease and so I knew her time was coming sooner rather than later. I knew we wouldn't have much time together. I fostered her anyway believing that I could at least make her last years happy and loved. She would have been euthanized otherwise had I not taken her. Caring for her was not easy and along with my other ill foster cats there were times when my frustration and impatience showed. I relive those moments on a loop now and hate myself for them. 

She also had anemia and had been through a transfusion once before. Three days ago she had stopped eating and I noticed her gums were very pale. So I took her to the vet right away. She required another transfusion. All went well it seemed. I picked her up late Friday night. She was crying in her carrier which was a good sign. She was ready to go home. But when I arrived home and opened the carrier she wasn't moving. When I took her out she tried to stand and fell. She then had a seizure, her mouth wide and gasping for air, frantically pawing at the empty air. I instantly panicked and thought to take her back to the vet but suddenly she was still, barely breathing. I knew it was her time, this is what end-stage kidney failure looks like. If I had taken her back to the vet she may have died on the way or they would have euthanized her. But I wanted her to pass at home with me. I lay down and placed her body on mine where she could feel my heart beat and feel me breathing. Our faces nearly touched. I stroked her fur and told her over and over how much I loved her and that it was okay for her to sleep now. That she would no longer have to suffer. That I would be okay. I lay there for nearly three hours while she drifted away from me. She was still breathing when I fell asleep. Why did I fall asleep?! I hate myself for that. When I woke she was still and rigid. Why couldn't I have stayed awake for her? I agonize over that. I can't escape the look of her wide eyes and gaping mouth or of the little movements and struggles she would make as her body was slowly shutting down.

I keep replaying all the things that went wrong, the things I could have done differently, done better. If I had picked her up a little earlier in the evening I could have had more time with her. She would have known she was home, she could have laid in my lap (her favorite place). But I don't even know she was aware she was home. Was she even aware I was with her at the end? I want to believe she was but I just don't know. That kills me. Like with my Biscuit Boy, her last memories were at the vet surrounded by strangers. The pain that causes is unrelenting.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, catawampus said:

I stroked her fur and told her over and over how much I loved her and that it was okay for her to sleep now. That she would no longer have to suffer. That I would be okay.

I am so sorry that you are once again facing this.  I guess the price for loving is losing, but I still wouldn't trade my time with my husband, Arlie, Kitty, or any of the others I've lost over the years, no matter the pain I live with now.  I know with your caring heart you've undoubtedly lost many and will again, but those of us who love our furry family members, we realize this is part of it.  I, too, told my Kitty the same things as her kidneys and liver had shut down, so I had her euthanized...she'd stopped having quality of life the 12 days prior, but I thought she'd recover from whatever was wrong, she always did...until this time.

I'm so glad she got you for her parent, she lucked out there. 

20 hours ago, catawampus said:

I keep replaying all the things that went wrong, the things I could have done differently, done better.

We do this, it's part of grief, it doesn't make you guilty of anything, it's just our way of trying to find some possible other outcome, this one is too hard to accept.
You may have seen these already, but a refresher might help:

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm

[catawampus]

On 11/2/2020 at 8:51 AM, KayC said:

I thought she'd recover from whatever was wrong, she always did...until this time.

Thanks, KayC. You always know the right things to say. There was every indication from the vet her transfusion was successful and she was doing well. I could not imagine that the second I arrived home and took her from the carrier that she would instantly have a seizure. My only solace is that she was home with me and not at the vet. Not much, but it is something I can at least be grateful for and cling to.

You've lost so many loves through the years and yet you remain strong and hopeful. I often think how I will possibly be able to handle another loss. Yet I somehow do. We are resilient that way I guess. Thank you for always being so thoughtful and wise. I'm so sorry for your losses and wish none of us had to go through this.

[KayC]

You've given your pets the best life you could and you can be consoled by that and that she is not suffering.  I truly believe they're in their next place and we'll be with them again.

[AJWCat]

I am so so sorry to read this about Fifi.  I know you're so devastated and struggling with the timing of everything.

Who knows what she knew at the end. But you at least you know it was as peaceful as these things can be. You were there (asleep or not) and she was safe to pass over. 

It's so rare that anyone here has a "perfect passing" of their pet- most of the time there's panic, fear, even horror... or their pet is at the vet alone. So while we always want it to be better, it definitely was her time as sick as she was - thank you for all you do for the cats you care for.    

[Redeemed]

I'm sorry for your loss.  When I lost my dog two weeks ago, I went through the worst case scenario imaginable, taking her to the vet to be put out of her misery from violent seizures to breathing issues.  I always wondered how I could ever put my own down and know it was the right thing to do.  Well, with what she was going through, it was the right thing.

 

In your case, at least you had this happen in the comfort of your home rather than the vet.  I would have paid untold sums of money just to have that happen in my case.  I hope you can see some positivity in that.