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Does anyone else feel this way?


Redeemed

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I found this forum after losing my dog Heather two days ago.  My dog lived with me for 14 years.  She was having issues with urinating and kept dribbling around the house.  I took her to the vet and we tried several medications and they didn't work.  They finally went and did an ultrasound and found out she was full of urine and that the reason she was going everywhere was due to the fact she was full and just spilling out.

The poor girl was walking around with a constant full bladder and the discomfort must have been difficult.  This was almost exactly a year ago.  I was then told that she would have to have her bladder manually expressed 3-4 times a day.  I then made the decision that I would do whatever it takes to keep her around.  Also, during this time, she would get frequent UTIs.  After being on antibiotics, she would be fine for about a month until it would just come right back.

I then asked the vet if I could just keep her on long-term antibiotics and she said that would be fine.  So from December of 2019 up until this past week, she has been on Doxycycline every day for over 9 months straight.  I didn't think she would make it through January 2020.  Then, that passed.  I didn't think she would make it through March, and then she kept on keeping on.   Meanwhile, I learned how to express her bladder so she could go.

Every month passed and I was shocked at how long she was still alive.  I knew she was still dealing with a raging infection but I continued the antibiotics and was grateful for every day.  I knew she couldn't last forever like this but she kept doing well.  Up until the afternoon of last Friday, she was doing ok.  Then, around early afternoon, to my horror I heard something and looked down and she was having a severe seizure.

I looked at her whole body violently shake and foam started to come out of her mouth.  This lasted for less than two minutes.  Then she came out of it and for the next two hours, she was ok.  Then, it started again and she would come out of it only to go right back in.  I knew this was probably going to be it for her.  I finally made the painful decision to relieve her of her suffering and took her to the hospital.

My vet told me the next day that most owners would have euthanized their pet a year ago when they found out they would have to be manually expressed to urinate.  I was happy to provide her with as much joy as possible and for as long as possible.  Now, I am stuck with the horror of seeing her go like that and it plays over and over in my mind.  I still have another dog and they were "my babies".  Now that plurality has dropped off.

I find it difficult around meal time to feed only one girl and not two.  The same goes for handing out treats as I always doubled what I took out for one because if one got treats the other got the same amount.  I stare at her bed and cannot remotely think of moving that or anything else around the house.  I've done this three other times in the past 20 years to where my pets had to be put down.  It's gotten to the point that I don't know if I can get another dog ever again.

They say it's better to love than...

I get that but ever since my dogs get into their golden years, I constantly get concerned and preoccupied with trying to deal with their upcoming departure.  I pray they just go in their sleep in my home but that has never happened.  I do not think I can go through this again.  The pain is so unbearable and I question whether it is worth it any more. 

 

 

 

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I am so sorry for your loss.  You are indeed a loving dedicated pet parent...my Arlie had acute chronic Colitis and I had to cook for him.  That was no easy feat because he was a big boy, he got up to 140 lbs.  Then he got inoperable cancer, his liver shut down.  I provided hospice myself and put him on CBD oil, maximum strength, and SAMe, and liver supplements, he was already on probiotics.  It was one of the hardest journeys I've been on.

11 hours ago, Redeemed said:

I find it difficult around meal time to feed only one girl and not two.

All of those daily rituals we did with them now become a trigger in their absence, for quite a while, until we reach the point it's sunk in and we no longer expect it as part of our daily routine.  Then even the fact we've grown accustomed to that is in itself painful.  Grief sucks, it's so hard to go through!  But I want you to know that the intensity lessens eventually, I'm still grieving my Arlie and it's been over 14 months, I realize that this is for the rest of my life, he was my soul dog.

11 hours ago, Redeemed said:

The pain is so unbearable and I question whether it is worth it any more. 

I would hate to cut out love in my life for the FEAR of losing them.  I lost my soulmate husband 15+ years ago, he was barely 51, it was unexpected, a shock.  I would not have missed the time I had with him for anything in the world, no matter how much pain it's cost me in the years since.  And the same goes with Arlie.  I treasury every day I had with him, every memory, my life with him was rich.  

It's too soon to determine how you will feel later on down the road, it takes much time to process our grief, let alone adjust to their absence.

My heart goes out to you, I know how horribly painful this is in the meantime.  (((hugs)))

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Thanks KayC.  I've been through this like I said 3 times but this time is immensely more difficult due to the attachment.  I'm sorry about your husband.  I understand about not trading that time away.  I guess I get too consumed with "how long will my new pet last"?  I literally get a new puppy and then instantly get overwhelmingly concerned about knowing some day I will have to face his/her end.

This is due to the fact that every single time, I have had to drive to the vet to have them put down.   Knowing that another puppy will too someday perhaps face an end in possible tragedy has me guarded from now on.

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After the horrible passing of my cat 3 years ago I was terrified to have to face it again. But, we got a 2 yr. old cat a few months after.

For 2 reasons: life for me is NOT as good without a pet (in my case, a cat.) And, too many animals need homes desperately. They can pass because they were never adopted at a shelter, put down due to over-crowding. Or people who like us have the means, space, and ability can go through the pain of loss but give a sweet innocent dog or cat a good life and a nice warm home with lots of love. I can't say no to that.   

Life is precious because it ends. It's a sad irony. I know it's hard.  

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22 hours ago, Redeemed said:

I guess I get too consumed with "how long will my new pet last"?

That nagging thought was in my mind the whole time I had Arlie, our bond was so great!  I tried my best to take care of him, hoping he'd make it to 14, but alas it was not to be, he was 11 1/2 when he died, and who knows how long he suffered?  He was diagnosed AFTER it had spread and his liver shut down, this in spite of regular physicals, one just two week prior to diagnosis.  If I hadn't taken him in for teeth cleaning, I wouldn't have found out when I did!  I only got him 2 months ten days after diagnosis.

With my new puppy, Kodie, he could potentially live 16 years, which takes me to age 83.  I'll be ready to go any time after that.  I want to last for him, after that, I don't want to.

All we can do is live in the moment, taking it one day at a time when it's hard (such as grieving), fully appreciating the good that still is.  This is what I learned following the death of my husband.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Great write-up KayC, thank you.  When I got back home after taking her to the vet one last time, I brought the bed in the house and set it in the living room.  I buried my face in it when I would walk by the next day crying like I couldn't stand the absence any longer.  I then felt the bedroom spot was too bare and put her bed back.

I get choked up when its treat time for my current dog and can no longer get hers out.   I walk over to her bed and make a simplistic motion to give some treats. The same goes for meal time.  I no longer come home and hear both of them barking.  I no longer pick her up and take her with me into the other room when I eat dinner.  I bought a tiny heater to take the edge off in the bedroom in the evening and I have to turn it on at night anyway even though it is no longer needed.

The last day of suddenly seeing your dog's whole body convulsing with non-stop seizures was a horror that keeps playing in my mind over and over.  I thought I would start to see a decline in water drinking or other factors that would tip me to the time fast approaching.  But no, it was sudden and violent.  It's one thing to say your goodbyes and another when your pet is going through a great duress to where you wonder if she even heard you.

It's very difficult to concentrate on the good times and I have gone back on my PC and pulled all my videos and pictures into one folder and viewed them for a long time.  It's nice to be reminded of how they really used to be.  But an ending like that clouds the water so to speak.  Then you picture your pet afterwards lying still in the hospital and you start to have a mini panic attack that you want to drive down there and grab her and bring her home where she should be-but of course you don't.

I realize that everything I have said is something that everyone goes through and my pain isn't any more special or more traumatic than others. I loved my other dogs I had to put down but this one devastates me.  Ive been through the mourning process several times but not like this. 

 

 

 

 

 

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On 10/27/2020 at 9:00 AM, Redeemed said:

I loved my other dogs I had to put down but this one devastates me

Yep, I so understand, that's how it was for me with Arlie.  :(

 

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The hardest part is how perfect most pets can be.  They just think you are the world and treat you like that every day for life.  It gives us humans a lot to live up to.

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Collettesweetbear

Redeemed, I’m so sorry. I know this unbearable pain we are all feeling. It’s so awful, I could barely stand another minute. But, it’s been 10 months for me and I am trying to keep my chin up and carry on. In the beginning, most of the time I just wanted to die. But, in time I have finally released a lot of pain through grieving and just time. I hope you feel better soon. You’re in my prayers. KayC, wow! Your paper you wrote about grief and loss is amazing. I got emotional reading it 🥺 and could feel every word. Thank you for that. Very special.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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