First post

[jak210]

I am new here and this is my first post. I have been reading other posts and my heart breaks for all of you. One thing that is clear is the pain you feel from loosing your loves. I am in a different place. Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. My husband of 53 years passed away from Alzheimer's May 13th, 2020. Of course I knew it was coming watching him decline. I have to admit it was partly a relief. I almost couldn't cope and lost a lot of sleep trying to think of more ways to make him comfortable. He was a brilliant engineer who supervised hundreds of people. At the end he was nothing. He did not understand the pandemic. Maybe that was a blessing. I am coping by frantically cleaning and donating. I have occasional bouts of grief. I have gone from a houseful of people-caretakers, nurses, hospice, etc to no one and being isolated like so many of us are. My family and children are supportive but they are busy and also coping with the loss and the pandemic and their children and jobs. I have also gone through the first birthdays alone and what would have been our 54th anniversary. There are a few more "first holidays" to come. I appreciate your honest posts and see how strong you are. Blessings to you all.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I want to correct one thing, he was not "nothing," although I know what you mean.  My mom died of dementia and it was hard watching her brain deteriorate over the years.  He was no longer able to do the things he'd done in his life, but I'm sure he was very valuable to you & the rest of his family.  Yes those special days are very hard to go through, the first year was tough for me to face...he died on Father's Day, then I went through 4th of July, Labor Day (a biggie in my family), my birthday, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, and when Easter came along, I couldn't take another!  I told my kids I was not doing Easter, they said they understood.  I stayed home from church and treated it like any other day.  The next weekend I had them up for a big meal but we didn't mention Easter.  We do what we have to do to get through this.

I want to leave you with an article I wrote of the things I've learned over the years (it's been 15 years since he died), hoping something is of help to you either now or later on.  I'm glad you found this place, it helps to express yourself and know that others get it and understand, we do.  (((hugs)))  And thank you for the blessings, I think we all need them!

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[jmmosley53]

Jak210,

I know Alzheimer/Dementia, that horrible disease takes your loved one away little by little.  When the worst happens and your loved one passes you do have a sense of relief.  Because you no longer have to worry if they have eaten or had their bath and got dressed and such thing, there is less that you need to worry about concerning their well being..  But that does not diminish the loss at all.  You love them when it is easy and when it is hard.  You grieve no less because you lost someone who was ill.  I hope you find a way to go through the holidays with as little pain as possible whatever you decide to do id fine, and perfectly okay.

[KayC]

On 10/16/2020 at 9:15 AM, jmmosley53 said:

Because you no longer have to worry if they have eaten or had their bath and got dressed and such thing, there is less that you need to worry about concerning their well being.

Spoken from someone who sounds like they well know, and so true!  We have anticipatory grief with dementia, but the finality still hits when they die.  I still miss my mom even though her brain was largely diminished, and even though I'm relieved that she's not going through the insanity that exists today.

How are you doing, @jak210 today?

[jak210]

Thank you for your warm and encouraging thoughts! They are really helpful, knowing that there are others who understand. KayC-your article was wonderful and so true. I appreciate you sharing it. We know, if we are in a long term relationship, that eventually one of will go on but you are never completly prepared. even though they are going through the process of letting go. It is the same for anyone who is in a loving relationship, long or short. My birthday was last week, a first, and on top of that I was not feeling well. I missed the care and support of my husband. I guess there are lots of things we realize as we go along. They kind of sneak up on us.

[KayC]

Happy belated birthday, mine was the 7th...I remember my first birthday after he died, I cried myself to sleep.  No one remembered, a stark contrast to when he was alive, he always made a big deal of it.  It's the feeling you no longer matter that much to anyone, very hard to absorb.

[Gail 8588]

On 10/17/2020 at 4:19 PM, jak210 said:

. . .  I missed the care and support of my husband. I guess there are lots of things we realize as we go along. They kind of sneak up on us.

Jak210, 

I agree, there are so many little things that remind me of his absence.   I'll struggle to open a new jar of pickles and burst into tears when I can't do it. Often when I am fixing a meal, I'll just feel so sad preparing one plate, as I know there will be no conversation or laughter.  In this time of covid-19 the isolation is particularly hard. 

We were married for 38 years and together for 2 years before we married.  I am so grateful for the 40 years we had together, but even after 3 and a half years, his absence is very apparent dozens of times each day.  

Gail

 

[KayC]

Today would be 19 years we were married...you never forget, we should be celebrating our anniversary, instead it's a day of sadness for me.

[Gail 8588]

He would be with you if he could.  Hugs

Gail.