Question

[BBB]

Like I normally do, I have a really odd question. This is still all very new and very raw to me as my wife died this year. For several of you, your significant other has been gone years so in a way, this question is geared more towards them but this is a forum where everyone here is free to share their thoughts. My question is - do any of you feel that if you begin to accept the death or "get over it", that in a way you are lessening the relationship? Here's what I mean, I sort of feel that if I get to the point where I'm not devastated by her loss that maybe people will think we weren't as close as I have been saying. Weird? In a way, I don't want to accept her loss and get on with my life because I feel that it sorts of cheapens the relationship. Maybe it's just me.

[Gail 8588]

I have not thought that. But I was with my love for 40 years, so there is a strong presumption by society that we were devoted to each other.  This may be more of a concern for people who had a shorter time with their love.

I am not saying the amount of time actually correlates to the depth of grief.  When you find your true love there is a connection that is made that is binding like no other.  Death of such a partner at 4 month or 4 years or 40 years is devastating.  I am just saying society may not always treat the bereaved the same.

Just my thoughts on the question.

Gail

 

 

 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, BBB said:

do any of you feel that if you begin to accept the death or "get over it", that in a way you are lessening the relationship?

NO!  Although I think that's a common feeling we wonder in the beginning.  IT IS NOT OUR GRIEF THAT BINDS US TO THEM, BUT OUR LOVE, AND THAT CONTINUES STILL!

Our relationship was and always will be the most beautiful of my life.  Nothing can take that away from us, not even death.

There is no getting over him, only learning to adjust to the changes it's meant for my life. 

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am just saying society may not always treat the bereaved the same.

To me it doesn't matter what society does, they can go blow a foghorn for all I care.  "Society" is ill informed and does not get what we're going through, they're not educated in how to be with the bereaved and they mess up continually.  There are exceptions, thankfully.  But society has little bearing on my relationship with George, my memories, my adjustments.

[jmmosley53]

Hello BBB,

I know what you mean sort of.  I have been watching a program on TV and glance over at the photo of my husband and a little wave of guilt comes over me for not crying my eye out every minute of the day.  Like maybe my husband is sitting in heaven watching me and saying 'so are you forgetting me already'.  I know darn well that I will never forget and I know my husband would never want me crying every minute of the day.  I am the one putting pressure on myself to behave one way or the other.  Pooh on anyone else's  opinion on the status of my grief.  It is between me and my husband.  In life he worked hard to make sure I was happy, he would do the same in death.  Having said all that...there are times I believe it and times I don't.  I guess I have to cut myself a little more slack.

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, BBB said:

My question is - do any of you feel that if you begin to accept the death or "get over it", that in a way you are lessening the relationship?

Well, as you know, I am of the mind that we never do "get over it" or "move on."  We do come to accept the reality in front of us and most of us try to move forward carrying our love and our grief with us.  But I do not accept that my husband's death was fair, right, or just; not for him, not for me, and not for our girls, family, and friends.

I do not intend to get over his death because that is impossible for me.  I have taken small steps into trying to find a life I can manage to live without him.  At first, yes, every smile, every small chuckle, and every moment I didn't feel my world collapsed on itself felt like a betrayal.  Still, I never worried that anyone would think that those times meant our love was less than it was.  In large part, I'm sure that's because everyone who knew us knew who we were together.  They knew we were bonded as imperfect soulmates who found each other in this mysterious and often difficult, painful world. 

Never once did I wonder if others would think less of "us."  I never thought that either, but I did and do have many times when I personally feel any moment of light I have is a betrayal of our love.  Those times are growing less frequent as time goes by and as I learn to live with, instead of living for, my grief and pain.  I doubt they'll go away completely, if only because there are times most days when I think (or even say to him), "You should be here.  You need to come home now.  I miss you and love you.  I'm sorry."

I do not believe that anything on this world or in this universe could lessen what we had and what I try to keep faith we will have again when it's my time.

[BBB]

I guess what I mean is that in my mind, acceptance equals it's ok. It's not ok and will never be ok. Accepting that she's gone is something that I struggle with. 

[KayC]

But that is NOT what the psychology term means.  I do understand how you feel though and that's why I prefer to use the term realize rather than accept.

[Gail 8588]

BBB, 

I think the way Kay expressed it is helpful.  It is not the manifestations of  our grief (crying, being alone, not engaging with others, longing for our loved one) that binds us to them. It is our continuing love for them that is a testament to our enduring relationship. 

You can see it in many of the posts here as people describe their love as the kindest, most generous, talented, funny . . .  person they ever knew. Even when we acknowledge our partners flaws, you can feel the love in their words. 

It is our deep bonds of love that ties us to them.  Others may not always see that, or understand it, but we feel it.  I think we always will, long after our outward signs of grieving end. 

Gail

[KayC]

1,000% agree!

One thing that helps is memorializing them by honoring them in how we live, putting into practice what we've learned from them, doing things in their honor.  Even sharing memories, stories, about them here or somewhere.  I love talking about George still.  My sister  Peggy, will often bring him up and share a memory, and that means a lot.

[Jttalways]

Do you mean that if you dont look sad and devasted all the time that people may think you musnt have loved your partner that much? I understand. I am a very private person. On my social media, I rarely post and when I do its either nature shots or superficial material. I rarely post my son let alone my husband. Because of this I feel people think I'm "over it." I feel guilty sometimes that people may think this. But I'm not like this generation that feels the need to post every single aspect of their personal lives online. I have to remind myself that I dont have to prove anything to anybody. My husband knew the love & loyalty that I had/have for him. There are some days where I feel happy and I feel guilty but then I remember that my husband would want me to be happy.

[BBB]

Right, exactly, people will think you are over it if you're not moping around all the time. They don't understand that I'll never be over it.

 

 

[Jttalways]

@BBB Yes. In addition to being a private person, I am the same way with my feelings. I rarely show emotion, especially crying in public. So I know people probably assume I must be “over it” because I’m not crying all the time. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Jttalways said:

There are some days where I feel happy and I feel guilty but then I remember that my husband would want me to be happy.

It's important to give ourselves permission to smile, read here:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/06/in-grief-feeling-guilty-for-feeling.html

18 hours ago, BBB said:

They don't understand that I'll never be over it.

That's something they don't get, but all of us here sure do!

[Jttalways]

@KayC Thank you for sharing that article. It's true, we can hold 2 opposite feelings in our hearts at the same time. 

 

Yes, we'll never be "over it."  A part of me is always going to be sad, but I am ok with that. 

[foreverhis]

16 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I rarely show emotion, especially crying in public. So I know people probably assume I must be “over it” because I’m not crying all the time. 

I'm the same way.  I have never cried easily in front of people, not even my husband.  On those rare occasions when we'd have a serious argument, I usually ended up crying out of frustration, irritation, or just plain "I'm upset."  I'd do my best to hold it back because it was impossible for my husband to get through a disagreement with his wife weeping and I felt like my point/side/opinion was of less value if I was crying.  Plus, my parents were of the stoic, "I'll give you a reason to cry" generation, so it was drilled into me from a young age.  On top of that, my career was in a field working with scientists, technology experts, military officers, and the occasional astronaut.  I was fine with, happy even, to be seen as a woman, a strong and confident one, but never wanted to slip into "I'll get my way by being whiny."

I do sometimes wonder if the people closest to me think I'm doing better than I am.  OTOH, they've known me either my whole life or a really long time, so they know that part of me that is embarrassed or feels weird about crying in front of them.

[Who am I now]

A few weeks ago I saw a friend I hadn't seen for a while.  She asked me if things are any better.  Just that question was uncomfortable to hear and answer.  I was pensive and my answer was "No" and I paused.  "I don't think it will ever get better.  It's different as days go by but I don't think I will ever be able to say that it is better."  With that question  I realized that my life will never be the same and it shouldn't.  I lost my husband and I will have to live without him.  It will be a different life and the mystery of how to move on changes every day.  My love for my husband is still there but he is not.  I live in a lonely place without him.  My life is different. I know that I will need to adapt to this change.  He wouldn't want me to be sad or feel lonely. I don't know the steps to take to move on but I will take one step at a time. That is all I can do right now.  I will try to adapt to this new life, hopefully in a positive way,  for both of us and for our family.

[KayC]

I think "better" is a relative term but means something different to grievers than the rest of the world...to us it simply means we're not curled up in a ball like day one anymore, but "well?"  Hell no!  To the rest of the world it seems to mean we're okay.  No, we're not, we carry our pain inside of us...the rest of our lives.  We just learn to function in spite of it, to carry our grief but we're "surviving" sometimes rather than "thriving" as we were before when they were with us, alive.