Dealing with people who won't allow you to grieve the way you need.

[Life35]

Recently I loss the love of my life.  A year ago I loss my brother which I was never given the space to properly grieve because I had to be strong supportive for my mom.  I got a counselor for myself.  I thought I knew pain but this has taken the very life out of me.  I've found quiet and therapy to be the only thing keeping me sane. I hurt everyday and I give people the right to not understand because maybe they are not emotional people or have never known that kind of love or pain.  Yet,  I'm allowed the space I need to be where I need to be without some taking my silence personal the lack of access or me not being what they want me to be for them even in my own grief.  Including my own mother.  I communicate via text because emotionally talking has been too much.  I have health issues from my emotions and had cancer before.  So I'm trying to redirect my limitations. But I have been told by my mother I'm being hurtful to her.  I am not intending to hurt anyone I just need time and space and silence but because I can't give her what she needs I'm a bad horrible person.  I'm a grown woman BTW. She'll bring up things from the past that have no relevance to now.  But it's like she hasn't let go of them and then makes things about how she is feeling she has even brought up my brother.  She can't just let me be where I'm at without making it about what she wants and needs.  I love my mother but what i do or my way doesn't suit her.  It makes it impossible for me to even want to connect because right now I have nothing in me.  My loss is my Soulmate and the person who poured into my brokenness with so much love.  He has always been my person and the fabric of my heart. And even though we were not together that love remained. We had a fairytale relationship.  You know how you know there is one person who knows you better than anyone and loves you wholly in this world... and then suddenly they are not here.   My brain can't even process this as reality without shutting down. I wanted to end myself when I was told and one friend showed up on my doorstep having heard the news and I don't know what have happened if she didn't.  I'm broken in a million pieces of pain in a way that only those who knew what we shared can understand.  My mom can't and that's ok. All I want is the space to grieve peacefully without someone trying to make me feel guilty for it. If others do it.  I can say we'll let them fall by the side.  But with my mom she doesn't hear.  I tried to explain this to her as well but she doesn't really hear me because it always goes back to how she feels.  I don't know what to do.  All I know is I'm in so much pain and have no energy for anything. 

In love and grief. 

[reader]

Dear Life35,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I know many of us feel the same way. 

[Kraquin]

My loss sounds very similar to yours.

I couldn't be physically with them either but they were near. My love for her was complete and has been a thread through my life for over 40 years.

It's hard for me to find the time and space to grieve as well because I am married and have to keep up this facade of being the person who isn't phased by anything. When it gets really bad I visit her grave but even that is limited as no one can know.

As for your mother. Mine was similar as well but she passed away last year so it's no longer an issue. While she was alive I kept her at arms length, provided her with little to no information about myself and by all means did not let her rattle me as that would entice her to try harder. She was the classic narcissist. 

 

 

 

[Life35]

On 12/10/2022 at 9:47 AM, Kraquin said:

My loss sounds very similar to yours.

I couldn't be physically with them either but they were near. My love for her was complete and has been a thread through my life for over 40 years.

It's hard for me to find the time and space to grieve as well because I am married and have to keep up this facade of being the person who isn't phased by anything. When it gets really bad I visit her grave but even that is limited as no one can know.

As for your mother. Mine was similar as well but she passed away last year so it's no longer an issue. While she was alive I kept her at arms length, provided her with little to no information about myself and by all means did not let her rattle me as that would entice her to try harder. She was the classic narcissist. 

 

Thank you for sharing your heart.  I am glad to know you do have someone by your side. It's just unfortunate your spouse may not emotionally be what you nee.

How did you deal with narcissist mom? Even when I put up boundaries it's like that makes her GO HARDER.  She thinks my life is supposed to revolve around her and because she ran from many of her responsibilities including my elder dad I have taken over. I ask her for nothing because I know she will use it later to saw "I owe her" expecting me to do whatever she wants. 

 

 

 

 

[Kraquin]

21 hours ago, Life35 said:

How did you deal with narcissist mom? 

No information. If they have no information they have nothing to use. Answers to questions were vague or not at all. Yes, it frustrates them and they'll get upset because you're not complying but  don't feed them.

[Life35]

53 minutes ago, Kraquin said:

No information. If they have no information they have nothing to use. Answers to questions were vague or not at all. Yes, it frustrates them and they'll get upset because you're not complying but  don't feed them.

Thank you so much! I will do just that. Sending you love and good thoughts. Praying you are well.  

[KayC]

I also had a narcissist mom, she was also paranoid among other things.  I have an ebook I can send to anyone who messages me their email address.